Text 3999, 216 rader
Skriven 2006-08-01 22:58:00 av JIM WELLER (1:123/140)
     Kommentar till en text av DAVE DRUM
Ärende: French Armies
=====================
Well let's see:

The Complete Military History of France....

    - Gallic Wars

        - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of
        French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
        Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman -ed.]

    - Hundred Years War

        - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
        inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
        "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
        Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars

        - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
        two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion

        - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War

        - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get
        invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
        other participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution

        - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War

        - Tied

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
    War

        - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
        deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the
        height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession

        - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a
        Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution

        - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans,
        France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
        more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
        leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins
        when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution

        - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars

        - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to
        leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
        British footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War

        - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to
        France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I

        - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
        States

    - World War II

        - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
        Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina

        - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien
        Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion

        - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a
        Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
        First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
        This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
        Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
        Esquimaux.

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided
the following losses:

    Norse invasions, 841-911.

        After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse
        are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!)
        who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to
        become just about the only positive military bonus in France's
        [favour] for next 500 years.

    Mexico, 1863-1864.

        France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following
        its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of
        Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish
        itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by
        definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little
        over a year after arrival.

    Panama jungles 1881-1890.

        No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is
        eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

    Napoleonic Wars.

        Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed
        of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities
        and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better
        than the French on many occasions.

    Haiti, 1791-1804.

        French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to
        yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in
        doubt, send an ally.

    India, 1673-1813.

        British were far more charming than French, ended up victors.
        Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the
        French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad
        teeth in England.

    Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.

        Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in
        Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone.
        America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli").
        [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

    1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.

        French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping.
        U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave;
        sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

    Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.

        Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a
        hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide
        behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

    French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories
    too, just to be fair):

    1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.

        When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful,
        response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson:
        French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and
        children.

    St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.

        Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

    Third Crusade.

        Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for
        Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

    Seventh Crusade.

        St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly
        crushed.

    [Eighth] Crusade.

        St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh
        Crusade.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

    Seven year War 1756-1763

        Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia
        (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off
        for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a
        hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France
        kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at
        Plassey).
        
With thanks to: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

Hell of a track record!    


Cheers

Jim, in Yellowknife    

... Saddam hates America, loves mistresses and wears a beret. He's French!
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