Text 25598, 185 rader
Skriven 2012-06-01 14:39:00 av DAVE DRUM (1:261/1381)
     Kommentar till en text av JIM WELLER
Ärende: Albert Ross
===================
-=> JIM WELLER wrote to DALE SHIPP <=-

 DS> I never cease to wonder at the large flocks of seagulls that
 DS> congregate on shopping center parking lots, far from any open water.
 DS> They don't seem to be feeding

 JW> There's lots of food around malls, mostly fast food litter (and
 JW> dumpsters behind the fast food places with the lids sometimes open.)
 JW> In the country they also like freshly plowed fields where they find
 JW> grubs and worms.

 JW> No gull recipes are forthcoming. I promise.

Now you know that a promise like that is a challenge:

MMMMM----- Recipe via Meal-Master (tm) v8.06

      Title: Spaghetti con Seagull & Piseli - Part One
 Categories: Game, Pasta, Vegetables, Pork, Wine
      Yield: 18 Servings

           White flour
      1 lg Egg
    1/2 c  Water
     24 l  Olive Oil 
      1 lg Carrot
     10 kg Ripe tomatoes
      5 kg Tinned tomatoes
      2 kg Tomato paste
      2 kg Garlic; (15 heads)
      2 lg Onions
      2    Seagulls
      2 sl (thin) Proscuitto
    1/2 c  Peas
      1 c  Dried black olives
    1/2 c  Porcini mushrooms
     10 l  Red wine
           Rind of 1 orange
      1 bn Basil; fresh
      1 bn Rosemary
      2    Bay leaves

  Seagull Spaghetti w/Peas - A traditional Calabrese dish
  provided by Nonna Spirelli.

  Spaghetti con Seagull and Pisceli was handed down from her
  mother. Her own mother learned it from Nonna's
  grandmother, and she learned it from her own mother. Her
  mother learned it from her mother, and her mother stole it
  from the back pocket of some hairy-arsed Genovase
  fisherman while he was giving her a seeing to against the
  back fence in some ally. A right slut apparently.

  The interesting thing about this dish is that unlike most
  recipes from this region which tend to focus on fish,
  meats and various peasant vegetarian staples, this
  utilises seagulls, a form of poultry absent from every
  other coastal cuisine. It remains the only seagull recipe
  ever recorded in history. Enjoy!

  To make this, you will need to begin by donning the same
  black mourning dress that you'd worn everyday since your
  great grandfather died in 1956.

  The first step is to collect your good walking stick and
  gather a large wicker basket of firewood from the nearest
  forest. Best if you mumble complaints as you go. Ignore
  anyone milling around wells since they are mostly likely
  gossiping about you.

  Make a fire in the mud brick oven that you’ve constructed
  by hand in the backyard the night before. Be sure to start
  the fire only on the morning of the previous night where
  there was a full moon.

  Once you've said 28 rounds of the Rosary the fire should
  be right to begin. If you've used hardwood, you may need
  some extra Hail Marys.

  Take the olive oil, dab your finger in it and make the
  sign of the cross. Pour a glass and drink it to keep your
  skin looking healthy. Finally pour a litre or three into a
  large stock pot. Look into the pot and add another litre.

  Take a large sharp knife and threaten to cut the throat of
  your grandson's new girlfriend, the one that isn't
  Catholic and has short hair. Cut the carrot into small
  cubes, then slice the onions. Vow to the saints that
  you'll make that little tart cry like the onions are
  making you cry. Peel and cut the garlic, giving thanks to
  god. Sautee the carrots, unions and garlic till brown and
  take off heat. Place colander between knees and shell peas
  while watching World Championship Wrestling. Pour yourself
  a glass of the red wine for your blood. Not that shit that
  Louey made last year and not fit to use as vinegar, some
  of the good stuff. Drain the olives, slice the prosciutto,
  and prepare the mushrooms.

  Take the seagulls and the wine and move the front porch
  where you can keep on eye on that bitch from Number 27.
  Pluck seagulls thoroughly and singe with blow torch or gas
  stove to remove any remaining feathers. Keep neck and head
  attached. Gut the gulls and cut into pieces. Keep the
  feet.

  Take flour, eggs, water, and salt to the good house next
  door and make the pasta. Be sure to give your ungrateful
  grandson a crashing backhander to the head on your way.
  Threaten with a rolling pin if there is one handy. Leave
  pasta to dry out the back.

  Cut a loaf of Vienna bread in two, place a whole
  mozzarella and some salami inside and eat with half litre
  of wine for lunch.

  CONTINUED TO PART TWO

  Posted by Nino Spirelli 

  From: http://www.forumosa.com

  Uncle Dirty Dave's Archives

MMMMM
MMMMM----- Recipe via Meal-Master (tm) v8.06

      Title: Spaghetti con Seagull & Piseli - Part Two
 Categories: Game, Pasta, Vegetables, Pork, Wine
      Yield: 18 Servings

           Directions Continue

  Hang crucifix above stove. Return the pot with the sauteed
  vegetables to heat, place in gull pieces and cook until
  brown. Add 6 litres of red wine, all of the tomatoes, the
  olives, mushroom, prosciutto, rind and herbs. Place a
  fresh log on the fire, say a prayer to St. Anthony and add
  more garlic and tomatoes.

  Simmer on low heat for nine hours. In the meantime you
  may, while half pissed, lecture the dog on how easy you
  children have it compared to what it was like in village
  during the war. Gloss over the part about the lost
  infantryman and the barn.

  Get the spaghetti from the good house next door. Curse the
  ungrateful greedy widow three doors down that refuses to
  sell her house to you. Cook and drain the pasta, and add
  to the pot. Stir through while secretly pretending to be a
  witch. Make a note for your next confessional.

  Take the pot to the table. Make sure the table is in the
  garage, next to the industrial deep freezer and the
  plastic wine tank. If not, under a carport will do.

  Serve in portions of no less than 5KG each.

  Garnish the plates of the guests of honour by sticking in
  two legs, as if the gulls had buried themselves in the
  steaming pasta.

  Say grace and eat.

  Best served after a large horsemeat steak.

  If anyone fails to finish their second plate ask why they
  don't like it. After that ask why it isn't good enough for
  then. Following this, ask if they'd like an omelette.
  Regardless of what they say, get up and make them that
  omelette. You should be muttering under your breath
  various exclaimations as to how it couldn't be good
  enough. Finally start banging on about how much you've
  suffered over the years. 

  Posted by Nino Spirelli 

  From: http://www.forumosa.com

  Uncle Dirty Dave's Archives

MMMMM

... The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
--- MultiMail/Win32 v0.49
 * Origin: www.holo.homeip.net:   -telnet://holo.homeip.net (1:261/1381)