Text 43693, 308 rader
Skriven 2006-12-05 14:03:08 av Ward Dossche (2:292/854)
Ärende: Clues for tourists intending to visit the Netherlands
=============================================================
1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It 
reminds him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word 
for Germans and other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a 
Hollander or a Nederlander. 
 
2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in 
Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a 
splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a 
single word of what you are trying to say (which also tells 
something about the intelligence of the people). Foreigners 
are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking 
gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they can't 
make a report to the police. 
 
Speaking English foreigners will frequently be understood by 
the Nederlanders, but most probably will not understand a 
single word uttered by the Nederlanders themselves who 
seem to be under the delusion that they can speak other 
languages in an understandable voice. 
 
3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that 
only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: 
black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and 
earwax. Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the 
revolting stuff. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the 
faces of foreigners who are tricked into believing it is edible. 
 
4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on 
you. which is of course the main reason for selling them to 
you in the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be 
found dead in them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to 
be found dead at all, but this feeling is not necessarily shared 
by the inhabitants of the neighbouring countries).  
 
5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only 
frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to 
death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free 
however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a 
few good laughs from the natives. 
 
6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in 
the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If 
ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that 
he is absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. 
This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner 
you can't be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also 
cannot be right. Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. 
At this point you may want to stand back and watch him try 
to strangle himself with a tulip. 
 
7. Windmills are unavoidable. 
 
8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, 
wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you 
came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, 
the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are 
easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French 
tourist (see items 19 & 20) 
 
9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is 
merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about 
everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or 
lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a 
policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, 
whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 
final!". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well 
the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small 
country like Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-
de-blah. 
 
10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. 
If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a 
policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide 
to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen 
represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any 
authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of 
Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking 
the job. 
 
11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut 
off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if 
you give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an 
exception) This might explain the success of MacDonald's in 
Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two 
Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true. 
 
12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put 
inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because 
it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain 
those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and 
Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every opportunity to 
point out to you that the nation has accomplished great 
things, despite of it being so small (but thanks to their 
southern neighbours who fled northwards at a certain point 
in history). A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's 
imperialistic past. Wich brings us, rather nicely, to item 13. 
 
13. If you wish to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you 
will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now 
immediately start running for your life. He'll want to prove to 
you that he is a peace loving person and he won't stop 
proving this until your intestines are scattered all over the 
floor. However, mentioning a supposedly imperialistic past 
considering Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a 
Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for 
forgiveness 
 
14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. 
They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and 
hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners 
to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by. 
 
15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. 
Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the 
lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you 
left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is 
open 365 days a year. Have fun. 
 
16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small 
vicious looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a 
"kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-
through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an 
invention made by a Nederlander. Never cut cheese with a 
knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself. Another peculiar 
dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which literally means 
"bottle-licker", but is best translated by "yoghurt-scraper". 
Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or 
for your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles 
of yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The 
Nederlanders wants to use absolutely every millilitre of the 
yoghurt or "vla" he bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly 
well eat all of it. 
 
17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is 
doing quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of 
extensive negotiating between parties like the unions, the 
employers and the government. They even have a name for 
this: The 'polder model'. Foreigners are made to believe that 
this polder model is the key to a healthy economy and if 
others should follow this polder model, their economy's will 
also improve dramatically. This is utter nonsense. Hollanders 
just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling all this talking 
negotiations only gives them a sense of doing something 
useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland. 
 
18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of 
mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags (a delightful habit 
they stole from their southern neighbours and made 
distasteful by adding their own local flavour to it). This is 
called "een patatje met". One of these bags can sustain life 
over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it is the sort 
of life worth living. 
 
19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for mainly 
French tourists. As soon as they cross the border between 
Belgium and Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by 
young men in fast cars. These young people wish to point out 
to the French tourist where the more interesting touristy 
places in Holland can be found. Strangely enough they always 
seem to end up in a coffee shop (which is the main if not only 
reason most tourists come to Holland anyway, see item 20). 
Funny people those French. 
 
20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete 
fool of yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a 
cappuccino. Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell 
coffee. You can however get a good number of other 
stimulating drugs there. For some unknown reason coffee 
shops are extremely popular with French tourists. 
 
21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in 
the north of the country in a province all for himself. He is 
fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of 
euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to 
non-Fries Hollanders that they are -indeed-not Fries. The rest 
of the Hollanders look upon this behaviour with the good 
natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an 
obstinate child. 
 
22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to 
Holland, I can recommend the following: The complete works 
of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the 
Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my 
experience these two books have just about the right weight 
for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without 
leaving any marks. After hitting you might want to drop the 
book you were carrying at that moment for a more speedy 
retreat. Bring plenty of books. 
 
23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more 
bikes than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not 
something you will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams 
are measured in miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams 
are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the more 
persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The 
sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be 
quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. You may 
want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through 
open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth 
watching. 
 
24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your 
mother-in-law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. 
Tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own 
hands. 
 
25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, 
god of all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run 
into a church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. 
Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, 
ways of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only 
reason for there being so many different churches, sects and 
cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about 
anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone 
who thinks different than him can jolly well bugger off and 
start his own church. 
 
26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her 
husband is no king but a prince, but he's dead now. The 
queen doesn't rule the country well, not much anyway- but 
she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other 
countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her 
son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops 
queening (nice word eh?). Now his wife won't be a queen but 
she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small 
for a king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th it's 
Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the 
birthday of princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to 
be the queen). It is no wonder that more and more 
Nederlanders wish to make Holland a republic. Queen's Day, 
by the way, has nothing to do with royal festivities. It's just a 
Hollander's excuse to drink large quantities of their socalled 
beer. On Queen's Day Hollanders also sell garbage in the 
streets. 
 
27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. 
No, the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge 
amount of ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can 
however lead to mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road 
that you wish to drive your car on during a rainstorm, may in 
fact not be a road at all. 
 
28. The Holland art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be 
famous only after they have died. That is a very sensible 
arrangement from the publics point of view. Not only do you 
get large quantities of paintings - a man has got to eat, right? 
- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers The 
painters themselves do not share this view at all but are 
unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the 
frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear. 
 
29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday 
party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, 
because it can only be compared to taking place on a wooden 
chair which has a sharp nail driven through the underside of 
the seat, and not being able to move for a month. More than 
one foreigner has been driven to the brink of insanity in just 
one evening. A Hollandse birthday party consists of sitting in 
a chair, talking to other Hollanders about your work, your car, 
foreigners and politics. You are expected to leave at 11 pm 
and you'll gladly do so. 
 
30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the 
famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days 
some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list 
of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a 
problem, "More than half of our patients for open heart 
surgery never even show up anyway" they say. Some 
Nederlandse patients who have become desperate, move to a 
country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare 
is infinitely better. 
 
31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. 
This used to be so that the neighbours could always check if 
your family didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a 
precaution against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the 
family car, parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate 
side effect that you can watch Hollanders in their natural 
surroundings, in front of the television, watching soaps. 
 
32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. Like 
..erm...Well, it has!! 
 
33. Hollands beer has made quite a reputation for itself over 
the years. Some people even drink it, though they usually lack 
any sense of taste (these are the same people who think they 
can eat things coming out of a Hollandse kitchen and go 
unpunished). Brewing is indeed one of the things Hollanders 
traditionaly do. Holland never used to be a country with 
anything more interesting to do than to drink oneself blind in 
new and interesting ways or make paintings. This made the 
beer industry very popular. Hollandse experts seem to believe 
that once you have drank Hollands beer like Heineken, 
Grolsch or Amstel, all other beers taste like the tapwater in a 
Rotterdam hotel. Unfortunately they do not have real beer to 
compare it with.   
 
34. For tourists it might even be wise and it certainly is safer 
to drink tapwater in Holland. This is quite remarkable 
considering that most drinking water comes from poluted 
rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the 
riverwater, so that fish like salmon will return to Hollandse 
rivers to spawn, can count on strong resistance from the 
Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals having sex 
in their drinking water.

--- D'Bridge 2.55
 * Origin: Many Glacier -o=O=o- Preserve - Protect - Conserve (2:292/854)