Text 9079, 86 rader
Skriven 2007-12-30 12:01:24 av Ward Dossche (2:292/854)
     Kommentar till en text av David Drummond
Ärende: Re: Cats
================
DD>BF> Tell that to the hunters that have either being killed or injured by
DD>BF> bears here this past year.
 
DD> How many were killed on the roads there this year?
 
People do not get killed in Sweden by cars, didn't you know?
 
They have now chips in everything. In people, in dogs, in cat, in moose, in
cars, in potatoes, in beer .... everything.
 
All of it is continuously controlled by a giant computer from a guy's garage in
Saeve.
 
The computer knows exactly who is doing what and where and when. That
information is relayed to a switching-unit in the neighbourhood where the
individual is and will be used to monitor the speed and brakes of cars in that
vicinity so that before an individual has left the house, the cars already will
have stopped.
 
Chips in animals serve the same purpose. Female moose in the wild have been
trained to come to a special moose-chip-implant-facility when they are about to
give birth to a baby-moose to get the thing installed immediately. For humans
this is not necessary, Swedes have a 24th chromosome which controls the natural
growth of such a chip. There is a differance between men and women though. The
chips that grow in men are a shiny metal colour while those in women are a
flashy pink, some yellow. This is cause for a number of "dumb yellow chip
women" jokes.
 
The chips in food do not digest but in fact stay functional throughout the
whole digestive system. It is used to monitor digestion, see how much shit that
can be expected, observe methane production and various things.
 
The methane-production is monitored to make certain that Swedes do not fart
anymore. When there's too much build-up the central computer will trigger an
alarm and the special MRU, "Methane Response Unit", will come rushing with a
truck and a crew which will push a tube up that particular Swedes ass to suck
all methane from that person's bowels. This has made Sweden famous in the world
as "the country where not a single fart is lost".
 
As for the chips in shit. It allows the central computer to monitor the
progress and quality of the shit through any Swede's intestines. When
crapping-time approaches the central computer will send a signal to the "TPDU",
the Toilet Paper Dispenser Unit, which will release 3 sheets. If that is not
enough, there is an emergency button which when pressed will release one extra
sheet of toiletpaper but not more as that would endanger that person's annual
quotum on toilet paper which, of course, is also monitored by the central
computer.
 
At the same moment a message is also flashed to the community's "MSRS", the
Municipal Shit Retrieval System, which is not a toilet but a conveyor belt
system reaching into every Swedish house and location where one otherwise would
expect a "TOILET", that is a toilet. From early age on Swedes are taught how to
defecate properly onto the conveyor belt so that not a single ounce of shit
becomes lost. It requires a special position and narrowing of the eyes when the
necessary pressure is exerted, this often makes the Swedes look like Chinese,
except for the colour that is. This is the start of the popular story in Europe
that "If China wouldn't have had any Chinese, the Swedes would have invented
them".
 
Anyway, I'm deviating too much, the conveor belt collects all shit from Sweden
and transports it via an ingenious system of larger conveyor belts to a secret
location somewhere in the country where nobody ever goes. During long winter
nights grandfathers have been known to tell horror stories to little children
gathered around them in front of earthfires about people who ventured into that
misterious land and were automatically detected by the central computer to be
changed into some brown muck otherwise know as "SHIT" ... Swedish High
Intensity Turf.
 
Anyway, little is it known that this whole system has been designed by a madman
from his garage somewhere near Saeve with the sole intention of finally getting
into the Guinness Book of World Records in the category "highest mountain of
crap" but little does he know he will never reach that goal as the biggest pile
of that substance alreadyy resides in Las Brisas, Texas.
 
Anyway, I could tell horror stories about chips in Swedish beer, which explains
its awful taste BTW, and how they are used by the computer in Saeve to monitor
to flow of liquids through the body to pre-program all Swedish penises so they
pee in the toilet and not beside it, how it influences the "TSCM" (the Toilet
Seat Closing Mechanism), but I will not go that far.
 
.....
 
:-)

--- D'Bridge 2.94
 * Origin: Many Glacier -o=O=o- Preserve - Protect - Conserve (2:292/854)