Text 26012, 130 rader
Skriven 2015-07-04 12:22:54 av Torbjorn Mohn (2:211/37)
Ärende: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix
'-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk
of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

--- BBBS/NT v4.10 Dada-1
 * Origin: Circle Of Protection (2:211/37)