Text 1057, 270 rader
Skriven 2005-02-03 15:46:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av CINDY HAGLUND
Ärende: Dave type_F unnys.....
==============================
CH>  Joke: you slipped up on this one. I decided since the vast majoirty
CH> of jokes here are male sexist I may as well attempt to balance it a
CH> bit for fun so stay tuned! I'll go do my homework now.
CH>
CH> Joke: men.

You've not been here too long then -- the vast majority of the jokes here, as
well as in Hallmark, et al, are misandrist!

Like these, then just one or two to provide SOME balance, but us guys, unlike
the gals, aren't filled with hatred towards our 'fellow' but oppositely-sexed
humans!


1. How many honest, intelligent, caring  men in the world does it take to 
do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

4. Why does it take 1  million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

5. How does a man show that he is planning for the  future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the  difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can  remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of  toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

9. Why  is it difficult to find ! men who are sensitive, caring and 
goodlooking?
They all already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A  widow.

11. When do you care for a man's company?
When he  owns it.

12. Why are married women heavier than single  women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to  bed.  Married 
women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

13. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the  remote control between his toes.

14. What is the one thing that all  men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

15. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so  beautiful?"
God says:" So you would love her."  "But God," the  man says, "why did you 
make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love  you."


  Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
  A: Trustworthy.

  Q: Why are men like commercials?
  A: You can't believe a word they say.

  Q: Why are men like popcorn?
  A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

  Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
  A: Sex.

  Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
  A: When the power goes off.

  Q: What do men and women have in common?
  A: They both distrust men.

  Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
       guilt gifts?
  A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

  Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
  A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

  Q: How is a man like the weather?
  A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

  Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
  A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
       the other is giving birth.

  Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
       single 40-year-old man?
  A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man
       thinks often about dating them.

  Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating
       hunger.  What do men dream of?
  A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

  Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
  A: Slow.

  Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
  A: They're married.

  Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
  A: An insurance company.

  Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
  A: Because they don't have any.

  Q: How are men like noodles?
  A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

  Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
  A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

  Q: Why is food better than men?
  A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

  Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
  A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or
       5000 miles, whichever came first.

  Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
  A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

  Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
  A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

  Q: How do you grow your own dope?
  A: Plant a man.

  Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
  A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a
       second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies
       about it.

  Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
  A: He moved there.

  Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
  A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

  Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
  A: Put the remote control between his toes

  Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
  A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

  Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
  A: Take your foot off his head

  Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
  A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

  Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
  A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

  Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will
       ask for directions.

  Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
  A: He's breathing

  Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
  A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

  Q: What do men consider foreplay?
  A: Half an hour of begging

  Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
  A: Who cares???

  Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  A: 1. No mind.
    2. No business.

  Q: If men got pregnant....
  A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through
       windows.

  Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
       and good-looking?
  A: Because they already have boyfriends.

  Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  A: He had it bronzed.

  Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  A: Two ways to cross a river.

  Q: What is gross stupidity?
  A: 144 men in one room.

  Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A: A padded headboard.

  Q: How do men sort their laundry?
  A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

  Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
  A: Whistle through its pecker!

  Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
     do the dishes?
  A: Both of them.

  Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
  A: A sex-change operation.

  Q: Why did the man cross the road?
  A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

  Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
  A: Because men fake foreplay!

  Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
  A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

  Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

  Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
  A: Who has the time?

  Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
  A: They won't stop to ask directions!

  Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
  A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

  Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
  A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who
     end up playing with them!

  Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
  A: A man's undivided attention.

  Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
  A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

  Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
  A: His brains fall out.

Q: How do you know that it's time to wash the dishes?
A: Check your underwear, if you have a penis, it isn't!

Battered women?  & all these years I've been eating them RAW!!!


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-) ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1                                                                 

--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)