Text 1240, 76 rader
Skriven 2005-02-27 23:38:16 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: Presents
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Christmas is coming... You might want to print out several copies of
this and leave them where he'll find them -- like, taped to the front of
the TV, wrapped around the remote, glued over this month's Playboy
centerfold...

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that
is going to make "housework" easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster,
a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything
but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only appliance
allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who
Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin
cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on
it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening.

In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure
it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have. ( how about a cloths-
dryer )

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., "Honey, I got you that large box of
Tide you've been wanting!" ... "This Windex should last you a while" ...
"I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All
I can say is, be prepared to run.

One more thing: A Chia Pet is *not* a romantic gift.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices,
or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a
weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on
your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey,
I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By
then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole
into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a
lame gift... unless, of course, she's into tools -- in which case, buy
the darned drill *she* wants, not the drill *you* want.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a
trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character
nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy
woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from
Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6. No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de
Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom or your dirty socks. If
you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.( Saks,
Nordstrom, etc... )

7. Any type of cubic zirconium jewelry you see on the Home Shopping
Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that
fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it.

8. Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute
you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if
you're a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say
it's beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath,
"Where the heck would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for
bad taste?" An additional hint: Plaids do not go with stripes (even
though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It's a known fact
to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers.
Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the
correct response to "Do these pants make me look fat?" A better
alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer
to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout
stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string.
I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or "funny"
novelty books like "How Not to Be a B*tch Monday Through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the
person who bought it -- and just may stand up in court of law as grounds
for justifiable homicide.
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