Text 1360, 179 rader
Skriven 2005-03-17 10:34:40 av George Pope (1:153/307.11)
Ärende: St Paddy's
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  ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

Rob Reuter Editor, The American Jerk

  St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.


Leg 1: 7a.m. to 9a.m.

  Rise and shine early.

  Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume,
cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 5 p.m., you will
be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper
preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
fraternity carpet.

  The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.

  Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will
easily be able to find them in an impaired condition. (We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since
that's where you'll probably end up):

    1 quart spring water
    1 bottle aspirin
    5 pairs Depends undergarment
    1 bottle Percocet
    1 gram morphine sulfate
    1 oz. human adrenaline extract
    1 recharged electric defibrillator
    4 Cardiac needles
    1 trauma surgeon

  Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9oz. Jameson Irish whiskey and drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day.

  There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you
ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of
St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

  Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m.

  We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is
no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken
state, when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk
on your behalf.


Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

  Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar,
if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best, since 'Boston'
in Gaelic means 'West Kilarney'. However, almost every city in America
has bars called 'The Blarney Stone', 'McSomethings', or 'The Dirty
Mick' (Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by
Koreans).

  Secure a barstool, and do not leave it under any circumstances.

  The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not
wait in line for drinks-- no matter what the consequences. While we do
recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells,
it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with
spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely
overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

  We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
stimulant level; however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream
and a cherry, and some guy named Shamus will call you a yuppie poseur
while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey
and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will
add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.


Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

  It's lunchtime!

  You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because
like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, and
don't eat-- he is going to die."

  If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated
feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options:
popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give
you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both
have names that are hard to slur.

  If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most
frightening phrase in the English language on St.Patrick's Day besides
"I'm pregnant": "You're cut off".

  By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer.

  You have only one option here: Guinness stout.

  You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't
always turn green because of food coloring.


Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

  By now, the bar is definitely crowded, as people take long lunches and
bail out of work early to tie one on.

  If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three
times as crowded as it really is.

  By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since
the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance.

  Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are:

    Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about
it than you are about your wife or husband. .

    ..AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should
be lined up and kicked into the Liffey.

  If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory
names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.

  You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although
you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become
irregular.


The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

    Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at
closing time.

  This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually
equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

  The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time
with honor is to be hauled away by the police.

  Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any
sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since
your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it
doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.

  Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons.

  The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being
dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink
with you.

  You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar
should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you
out.


  By following these simple guidelines, your St.Patrick's Day experience
would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and
biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.

  Tune in next month for our next self-help guide: The Pros and Cons of
Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster


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