Text 1373, 330 rader
Skriven 2005-03-19 20:27:12 av George Pope (1:153/307.11)
Ärende: from Batsheva
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Some jokes from the previous moderator:

She can be reached at drybones@optonline.net




 Isn't it redundant to put a
yarmulke on a toupee?

 Yiddish word for Today: PULKES (PUHL-kees) THIGHS note: this word has been tra

 There are some English words that when said by someone with a Yiddish accent,

 The only really good advice that your Jewish mother ever gave you was:
 "Go! You might meet somebody!"

 You know you're a Jew if:
 You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night, and your parents laughed out loud

 You spent your entire childhood thinking everyone called pot roast "brisket."
======================================================
NEW BORN BABE

Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break.
One  turns  to  the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73  years old and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you are  about  my  age. How do
you feel?


Slim says, " I feel just like a new  born babe."



Rather  amazed  his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a
question, "Really? A new  born  babe???"


"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, no hair, and I think I just wet my
pants.

THE NEW PASTOR

[If you know the Bible at all, you'll find this story really brilliant and funn

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it see

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card ha

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laugh

Revelations 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I wa

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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF HYPOCRISY AND AMBIGUITY:


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

9. Is there another word for synonym?

10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

=======================================================
 HOW'S YOUR YIDDISH, COUNCILOR?                       NS                  DAN



In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have diffi



The plaintiffs' attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with a motion that coul



UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT -
DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS


MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff, v.  SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al., Defendants.



Take note of:



Civ. No. 87-2799-T PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT AND SCANDALOUS MATT


Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f) of



1. For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected t



2. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defen



3. Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons:  First,

yeshiva [TORAH SCHOOL]  bochurs, [ BOYS] defendants should not have assumed tha



WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishugoss [FOOLISHN


THE WEALTHY LAWYER



One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to st

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer sa

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under th

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as th

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the
grass is almost a foot high!"

EXCUSE NOTES FROM PARENTS


These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
 collected by schools from all over USA.

 "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
 execute him."

 "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

 "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
 and also 33."

 "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

 Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
 tree and misplaced his hip."

 "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

 "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very cl


 "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."


 "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

 "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."


 "I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
 don't know what size she wear."


 "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
 funeral."


 "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang over."

 "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, head

 "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
 Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sun



A JEWISH KID IN A CATHOLIC SCHOOL



Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tr



After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his f



 His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.  He quietly laid it on th



Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.



"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, th



Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when

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====================================================r

RED PRINT JOKES

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WALKING THE DOG


> Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
> the block?"
>
> Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."  "What's that mean?" asked
> the child.
>
> "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
> for a walk around the block?
>
> I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you!"
>
> Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
>
> He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's
> backside with it and said,
>
> "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but
> keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
>
> The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog
> on the leash.
>
> Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
>
> The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the
> block, so another dog is pushing her home."

==============================================================



THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

 (Royal and Ancient Chelsea Public Golf Course):

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

 3. Keep your head down.

 4. Avoid a quick back swing.

 5. Stay out of the water.

 6. Try not to hit anyone.

 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

 8. Do not stand directly in front of others.

 9. Quiet please .. while others are preparing to go.

 10. Do not take extra strokes. Well done.
*
*
*
Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!



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