Text 1380, 192 rader
Skriven 2005-03-19 21:22:18 av George Pope (1:153/307.11)
Kommentar till en text av Cindy Haglund (1:124/6308.20)
Ärende: Dogs and Cats
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On (18 Mar 05) Cindy Haglund wrote to George Pope...
>>> Originating Area: WHAT'S_HOT!
CH> CH> I think the warning label stuff has gone overboard though. It's
Check this collection out:
From the Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition:
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its
wonderful idiocy:
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't
made up.
- Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
- Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
- On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one
cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so
incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you
night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion,
unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your
nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
- On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the
photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
Okay, those were made-up ones, but here's a set of ACTUAL
product warnings:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Label Warnings
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common
household products.
>From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the
cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not
Enable Wearer To Fly".
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>From a Pop-Tart box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot
When Heated"
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>From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has
determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on
cigarette packages"
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>From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet:
"Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping"
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On the package for Top Cog fan belts (automotive use), the
first step of the instructions tells you not to change the belt
while the engine is running.
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>From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave,
describing ways to "beat the heat."
"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
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Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator
sealant: "Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
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Written on the back of one of cardboard shields to put in
your car windshield on sunny days when you park to keep
your dash from melting:
DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>From the Indigo Owners Manual p 6-9
Hardware Dos and Don'ts ...
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
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Speaking of injury and death, I recently bought a radial arm
saw, admittedly a genuinely dangerous product. Of course the
manual had two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers,
and arms being cut off. The one that really surprised me was
the warning on one page about cutting your *leg* off. It took
me quite a few days of pondering to figure out how that could
be accomplished, but I haven't tried it yet. I even figured out
one way that you could cut your *head* off, and there wasn't
even a warning about that!
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Back in the good old days when TRS-80s were king, one of the
TRS-80 line printers had a wonderfully ambiguous warning
sticker:
"Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer."
I always wondered what was meant by "personal objects", and
what sort of person you'd have to be to put a "personal object"
into one.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The package of "Kitty Litter Brand Cat Box Liners" warns
"Not recommended for food storage."
Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
My Preferred Netmail address is: 1:153/307.11
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(I am the Bishop of ROM!)
--- PPoint 1.76
* Origin: Cyberpope pointing via the Milky Way! (1:153/307.11)
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