Text 1444, 156 rader
Skriven 2005-03-28 00:53:06 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: Your New Computer
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Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2100 Multimedia Personal
Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful
service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a
special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner',
'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine
Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless
diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now
ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!

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Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which
means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If
your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling
or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and
can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2100 is configured to use the
80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on
variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance
policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat
build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom
shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents.
(WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this
will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their
original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a
replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the
box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and
conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has
been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should
include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious DeGauss button;
keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and
cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual'
of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the
Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners
Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are
Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers,
notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of
cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test.
Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional
power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to
acquire an Anthrax 2100 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory
capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for
the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator
and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet
acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.
Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power
offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G);
plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an
extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel
audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most
likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional
meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as
follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live
neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to
a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing
happens, the items sent to you may have been mislabelled. Please try
plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please
contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A
(marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press
Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small
spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After
installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number.
Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified
User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification
Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified
User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have
your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support
staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1
in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen.
(Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in
Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the
installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the
Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error
message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger
disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked
'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other
disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that
says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting
'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On
the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage
and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When
installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone
socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press
'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize,
'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your
name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other
commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should
see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly
normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure
to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately.
Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.


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You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to
get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you
know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours'
followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are
about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As',
Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write
it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life
of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send
anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My
computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the
computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with
exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set.
**

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been
discontinued.
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