Text 1519, 132 rader
Skriven 2005-04-03 23:42:36 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: Some Blimps Are Better Off -----Dead
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The Horror of Blimps

By Scylla

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that
they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big
balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the
bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you
have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75 at
Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at
home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we
put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft
diameter. We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the
propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral
buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by
itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey
Mouse helium voices for my daughter. My three year old girl loved it. We
flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish
tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the
blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to
bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I
have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in
at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a
career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the
blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living
and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then
entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible
and tiny air currents it approached the bed. In spite of its noiseless
passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it
properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly
tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you. That
still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large
levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent
through the malignant darkness. Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of
the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things
floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my
eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back
to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual. On
this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence
approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it
was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM,
AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security
outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet
up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his
peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING
FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me and he pulled every panic switch and hit
every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was
dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful
sleep mode" to HOLY @#%$! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a
nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about
240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and
science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our
alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and
monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of
time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do
when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all
at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation. Without
volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound
a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd
know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over
at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch
the living @#%$ out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the
night terror produces. Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan
which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at
the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a
nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp,
and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually
feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack. On quivering legs I went
to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking
uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the
incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I
went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived
the incident. I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where
it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I
closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years
later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware
that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that it was now
floating around the walk-in closet that she approached. The dynamic between
the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening
the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil
Sinister Menace flying straight towards her. This time the blimp did not
survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very
angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the
closet for her to find at 7 am. I can order replacement balloons on the
Internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.
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