Text 164, 99 rader
Skriven 2004-09-15 10:19:20 av mark lewis (1:3634/12)
Ärende: the tazer
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Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled on
the History Channel in the near future.

Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that
tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it
is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to
safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
goggle-eyed,muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never
seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too
cool!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we
don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
particular model would not create an arch between the prongs.  How
disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a
whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee...
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', not Gracie)
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong
to think that?

Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and
a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another.  The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust
me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of
you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil'
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision
after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate
that?).

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY CRAP!
AaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front
door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet
eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you
ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent
thrashing about on the floor.  Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of
the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A------ that hurt!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By
the way, has anyone seen my testicles?

 * Origin: (1:3634/12)