Text 169, 123 rader
Skriven 2004-09-19 22:15:48 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek
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  10. Noisy doors.

     You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or
     screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors.
     They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person
     walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would
     snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry  Scotty, the IEEE has revoked
     your membership until you learn to master WD-40.

  9. The Federation.

     This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs
     everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV.
     Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a
     Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation
     dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex
     uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see
     them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If
     money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

  8. Reversing the Polarity.

     For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It
     might work once in a  while, but usually it just screws things up. I
     have it on good authority that the technicians  at Starbase 12. HATE
     that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup,
     they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What
     happened to the toilet in  Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed
     up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."
     Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity
     reversing  trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just
     spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

  7. Seatbelts.

     Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time
     an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the
     captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone  would say,
     "You know, we might think of inventing some futuristic restraining
     device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make
     something like that for the second  Enterprise (the  first one blew up
     due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's
     locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners.
     "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's
     torso!"

  6. No fuses.

     Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various
     stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their
     seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to
     stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go
     shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses.
     And while he's shopping, he could stop at an inter- galactic IKEA and
     pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put
     me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you
     could do is let me sit down.

  5. Rule by committee.

     Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV
     last year:

     Star Trek:

     Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
     Riker:  "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
     Troi:   "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting
             feelings about this! And, it appears that
             you're a 'fraidy cat."
     Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I
             thought I should say something."
     Worf:   "Captain, can I push the button? This is
             giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
     Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the
             polarity on them first."
     Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my
             stateroom and look pensive."

     Firefly:

     Captain: "Let's shoot them."
     Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
     Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is?
              It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until
              you realize who's in command."
     Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

  4. A Star Trek quiz:

     Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which
     one isn't coming back?

  3. Technobabble.

     The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem
     by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power
     through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift
     in the space-time continuum, which created a Quantum tunnelling effect
     that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car.
     Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice
     Channel for free.

  2. The Holodeck.

     I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would
     use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons?
     Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also
     know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegee
     the holodeck clean.

  1. The Prime Directive.

     How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow
     up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs
     Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well,
     in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a
     room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking
     through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until
     the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.
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