Text 1719, 107 rader
Skriven 2005-04-15 12:41:08 av George Pope (1:153/307.11)
Ärende: Party School Ranking
============================
Date:    Wed, 9 Oct 2002 08:03:16 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit (via UGA HUMOR letserv)
Subject: Party School Ranking

'Playboy' Campus Attracts B-list Applicants
       by Jon Miller


Despite fears that enrollment would decrease because of "Playboy's" No. 2
party school ranking last week, Chico State University is beginning to
attract high-profile applicants, including the Olsen twins, Lauren Bush and
all future offspring of Charlie Sheen.

"When we heard that Chico State was still in the top five, we knew we were
meant to be Wildcats," said Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, simultaneously.
"These "Playboy" rankings mean a lot to us, especially since we will turn
18 in 621 days. And you know what that means! Centerfold, baby!"

The twins have yet to be accepted to the university, reportedly for poor
SAT scores (a combined 1435 between the two).

Jenna Bush, the daughter of President George W. Bush, also expressed
interest in a transfer to Chico State after the rankings were posted. The
first daughter currently attends the University of Texas, where she majors
in political science and binge drinking.

"Well I tell ya, Chico sounds like the place for me. Y'all know how to
throw a proper hoedown, and none of them fake IDs are needed, neither,"
Bush said. "Here at Texas, Daddy made sure I didn't have to take any tests
if I didn't want to. But I hear all the kids are like that in Chico!"

Bush later added, "Beer me!"

President Bush did not comment on the "Playboy" rankings, but he did say
this about his daughter's interest in transferring to Chico State:
"My fellow Americans, I am fighting to protect our way of life, the Chico
way of life. Now Jenna can't spell to save her life, but she is a weapon, a
weapon of mass intoxication, and I couldn't be prouder."

The president later added, "Someone git me a beer!"

Hollywood playboy Charlie Sheen has already signed a letter of intent for
all his future offspring to attend Chico State. The actor is famous for
"Major League," "Major League 2," and a cocaine habit that puts the Bush
family to shame.

"To be honest Jon, a productive social life has been a cornerstone of my
life," said Sheen last week on the set of his autobiographical film
"Blizzard Face." "I want my children to have as much fun as possible in
college. And Chico State will be that college."

Despite this new enrollment interest in Chico State, university officials
are complaining that "Playboy's" rankings are attracting "losers" and
"alcoholics," with the exception of the Olsen twins.

"God, they are so cute. I just want to take them home," said psychology
professor P. D. File.

President Esteban expressed immediate protest after reading his monthly
subscription of "Playboy."

"As soon as I took it out of the mailbox, I knew this was bad for the
university," Esteban said. "I can't believe "Playboy" would do this. I read
the magazine every month and I am, frankly, shocked at these rankings. I
mean, we party way harder than Arizona State.

"Being number two only attracts losers, and this campus is not for losers,"
Esteban said. "If we were number one, like in 1987, we would attract only
the finest partyers, not second-tier hacks from Danville."

Esteban announced that he would retire this year, but may institute several
new policies to regain the No. 1 ranking. Inside sources say that the
enrollment office will now favor all prospective students of Irish descent.
Also, he is encouraging all seniors to stay "just one more year."

"I didn't tell my parents I was studying to be a doctor for nothing," said
seventh-year senior Ryan Supposedto. "If 'Playboy' thinks I drank my life
away to be number two, then they are wrong, dead-drunken wrong. I'll be
back for one more year to make sure we do this right."

Supposedto later added, "Besides, the Olsen twins will be here. Mary Kate's
sexy."


(c) The Orion
The Orion Online: http://orion-online.net
California State University, Chico


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