Text 1779, 185 rader
Skriven 2005-04-20 08:39:10 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Story
=================
 GP> On (18 Apr 05) Greg Sears wrote to George Pope...

 GS>        <<< recent patented inventions >>>
   > * toilet lid lock (patent #3477070) to prevent unauthorized access
   >   to toilet bowl.

Funny

 -=[19-Apr-2005 10:59, George Pope replied IN a message to Greg Sears]=-

 GP> So far the only unauthorized access attempts are by my cat, and my
   > simply closing the lid keeps her out just fine!

  G-day George Pope, good to hear you are one of the ~new-age~ jokers that
                     drop the lid when you zip your flap for a female! '-)

 GS> * whisper seat (patent #3593345) toilet seat with acoustical liner to
   >   prevent sounds from being heard.

 GP> Hey, what if sometimes you're PROUD of your toilet sounds and you WANT
   > them to be heard?  (then those times you're worried, just run the tap
   > in the sink before sitting!)

  G-day George Pope, cool- that may work in north-america Mate. Down-under
                           the  shitter*room  is a different room from the
                           bath, shower & sink-room! '-)

 GS> * eyeglass frame with adjustable rearview mirrors (patent #3423150)

 GP> Okay, I need a pair!

  G-day George Pope, damn- sorry the last pair the I C E-man owned were
                           lost on the tenth hole at QE-par-three course!
                           Guess that's no help for you eh? '-)

 GS> * fluid-operated zipper (pat.#3517423)

 GP> Except I usually want the zipper open BEFORE there's fluid in the
   > region!

  G-day George Pope, ok- this is an aussie thing used to prevent the ewes
                         can not figure  out what is just about to happen
                         to them from behind eh! '-)

 GS> * power-operated pool cue stick (patent #3495826)

 GP> "8-ball in the corner pocket of JOE'S pool hall, across town!"

  G-day George Pope, ok- yer on the next time the I C E-man is North! '-)

 GS> * carry-all hat (patent #3496575) a hat with a cavity for carrying
   >   cosmetics, jewelry, and the like.

 GP> Oh, fuck, like she don't have enough packed into her PURSE!!!

  G-day George Pope, ok- another aussie thing if on the stroll in King's
                         cross <pervert-alley> Sydney AU. '-)

 GS> * simulated firearm with pivot-mounted whiskey glass (patent #3450403)
   >   pulling the trigger pivots the glass towards a person's mouth.

 GP> What's next, a cannon that lighting the fuse pivots a pint mug of beer
   > to your mouth?

  G-day George Pope, nope- not for the I C E-man Mate. '-)

 GS> * electronic snore depressor (#3552388) snore is detected and the
   > snorer is electrically shocked.

 GP> The manually-operated (non-powered) method of holding a pillow over
   > their face until the snoring stops is more permanent!

  G-day George Pope, an idea that was stopped by a silly law the cops have
                     been told to  enforce  when not on the roads with the
                     speed guns collecting ~tax~ money? '-(

 GP> And let's not forget the greatest invention of all time. . .
   > The UNIVERSE!!!

  G-day George Pope, as invention was it! Ok- patent pending! Most Gods
                     have applied you think! Like the new Pope!! '-)



> OBjoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

  Yesterday, while I was out driving, I got stuck behind a Line
Painting Truck.  This wasn't one of the usual small jobs I'd
seen before -- the thing was the size of a cement mixer, and
had a couple of monstrous pressurized paint containers onboard.
The traffic was backed up because they were doing the double-
yellow center lines (which effectively blocked off half the
street.  Eventually, I turned onto a side road to take a detour.
As I continued home, I saw freshly painted lines everywhere...
those guys had been busy.  (With paint canisters that big, I
guess you can stay out a long time!)

I also saw a dead animal lying in the center of the road, which
isn't all that unusual.  It might have been a groundhog or a
racoon -- when it's flattened out, it gets kinda tough to tell.
But this animal had one unusual distinguising characteristic...
  ...two bright yellow lines running straight across his back!


> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

  Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground
if Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...

  Bell: Mr. Watson, come here; I want you.
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like
to leave a message for Watson, press 2 now ...

  The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing
and receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years.
These days everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a
slew of other telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and
last number redial are fine, but here are some options that can't be
far behind:

ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15
seconds, a digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey!
Remember me? I don't have all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak
if it's being played.

CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call
Schmoozing activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like
you and repeats, "Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party
babbles on. They think you're hanging on every word, when you're
actually getting some work done.

CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts,
trades pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends
by saying, "You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."

GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to
selected voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip
translates into increased productivity.

CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just
by dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with
poor confrontation skills.

NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in
the company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice-
activated tape recorder stores the call so you can review it later and
hear what people say about you.

SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you
_really_ don't want to speak with. When they dial your number, your
phone transmits a mild electric shock through their receivers.

CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car
phone within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as
though it's about to fall off.

CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in
your telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone
automatically calls them and relays heartfelt sentiments in a
digitized voice resembling yours.

CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button
on your phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you
have an emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.

SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays
subliminal messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and
"Increase my department's budget."

CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance
call to the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too
closely at their phone bills.


+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+
|  /\_/\   "I think, ||    Gregory W. Sears      ||[ YOUR  COMPANY ]|
|  |o -|   I'll open ||  gwsears@hotmail.com     ||[  SLOGAN HERE  ]|
|=(__*__)=  another  ||                          ||[    FOR ONLY   ]|
| ,' U ',   message" ||     ---Cheers!---        ||[ $1000 A MONTH!]|
+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+

... George Pope. . . . Said that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2?

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