Text 1799, 125 rader
Skriven 2005-04-24 14:06:59 av ceri@twmba.net
Ärende: SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
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From: "Rai" <ceri@twmba.net>
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I think we should all be alert for these danger signs, and admit that
many of us have a problem. 

SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS 

How many of these apply to you? 

  1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
  2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
  3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
  4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
  5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter
     without being seen.
  6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
     novels.
  7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
     speak.
  8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book
     nearby.
  9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would
     otherwise
     avoid.
 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I
     have finished a novel.
 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of
     reading.
 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I
     read.
 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
 19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control. 

If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a
serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to
newv levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased
college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number
of literature abusers is currently at record levels. 

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE 

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading
in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances,
they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. 

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of
English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this
disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of
nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability. 

HEREDITY 

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable
role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often
beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses
of an abuser become abusers themselves. 


OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS 

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction
readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate
in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening. 

PREVENTION 

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should
seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to
seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection. 


DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR 

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs
to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges.  Parents should look for signs that their
children are taking the wrong path -- don't expect your teenager to
approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you
visit her dorm room and find the secet stash of the Paris Review, it
may already be too late. 

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major: 

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
    you won't abandon her -- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand
    to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either.
    But remember that he may not be able to make a decision without
    help; perhaps he has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of
    arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in
    your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard
    question -- Who is this Count Vronsky?
3. Show him another way. Move the television set into his room.
    Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up his library card. Make her stop
    signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force him to take a math class, or minor
	  in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college. 

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of
the following applies: 

  * He can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
  * She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
  * Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
    Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District. 

Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself
or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American
Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory. 

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