Text 1829, 72 rader
Skriven 2005-04-24 12:12:18 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: New Year's Resolutions
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J     Not to proposition for sex a woman who's either wearing a police
badge or selling mace.

J     To stop eating fudge, after just these 15 more pieces. Maybe 16.

J     To clean the cat litter box *before* the humane society sends a cease
and desist letter.

J     To pay greater attention to my spelling and grammer.

J     After the success of last year's sheep resolution, this year I
resolve to give goats a try, as well.

J     To exceed the Office Annual Fitness Goal by striving to be 7.63%
funnier, thus wresting away the good parking spot from that kiss-ass
"Slack" Sharkey bastard.

J     To finally get that flatulence-emission reduction surgery. Again.

J     This year I will make a concerted effort to take my five best friends
in the world and finally meet them face to face.

J     To remember this time that voting for the NDP is the sound of one
hand clapping.

J     To stop basing all my personal decisions on things I learn from the
Cathy comic strip.

J     To stop obsessing over celebrity women I can never have, like Elisha
Cuthbert or Cameron Diaz. Instead, I'm going to focus on more attainable
women, like Tawny at the local strip club.

J     To appear on COPS again, this time wearing a shirt.

J     To give a little more to Charity, thus ensuring her continued silence
to the wife.

J     I know you. You carefully record our resolutions, then 12 months from
now you ridicule those who couldn't maintain their resolution. Well, I'm
outsmarting you this time. My resolution is "chastity." Let's see you make
fun of me if I happen to get lucky.

J     To close ALL my parenthetical statements. (Doesn't it drive you crazy
when people don't do that? I know it does me.)

J     To never, ever, EVER go back to Neverland without my mom and dad.

J     To give more to charity, especially donating 15 percent of my total
bill to needy Hooter's waitresses.

J     No more Carrot Top jokes. Nah, screw it, the guy's sometimes pretty
cool.

J     To consider all people worthy of equal attention, no matter how
distant they may be. Including that hottie on the 18th floor of the
apartment building three blocks away who never uses curtains, especially
now that I got a telescope for Christmas.

J     Remember to use the phrase "I work on daily writing projects with Pat
Sajak" when making dinner reservations.

J     To do a better job of keeping the Five Commandments.

J     To pay less attention to the voices in my head and more attention to
the SWAT team surrounding the building.

J     To be a more caring and attentive father to little What's-His-Ass
over there.
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