Text 2028, 367 rader
Skriven 2005-05-20 11:59:02 av George Pope (1:153/307.11)
     Kommentar till en text av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Ärende: BOOK
============
On (18 May 05) Greg Sears wrote to ALL...
 GS> What looks like an elephant, and can fly?
 GS> A flying elephant.

DUMBO!!!!

 GS> How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a grape?
 GS> A grape is purple. How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen?
 GS> Two in in the front, Two in the back, and one in the boot.

Except, in a volkswagon, the boot is in the bonnet!

 GS> What does an elephant do if it breaks a toe?
 GS> Gives up ballet dancing.

I don't believe the elephant was ever ballet dancing -- where would it
get a pachyderm-sized tutu?

 GS> Why does an elephant have four feet?
 GS> He'd look daft with six inches!

That's just what Mrs. Elephant always says!

ObElephantJokes:

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns
blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns
blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute
practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the
   'F' out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on,
coming
   over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5
tons
   tons of bananas,.....

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No?  Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
   wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying
   down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta)       Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back
yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the
   mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of
   your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of
   your car?
A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back
seat
   of your car?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd
   stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.


Q.:  How do you know that your elephant has her period?
A.:  Because your mattress is missing, and there's a quarter on
     your dresser.


>> Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, in
>> that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the
>> doctor told Jack that  the muscles around the base of his penis were
>> damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do
>> for him.
>>
>> However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be
>> applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk.  The treatment
>> consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in
>> Jack's penis.  Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going
>> through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for
>> him to bear.  So, with the assurance that there
>> would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to
>> go for it.  A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green
>> light to use his newly renovated equipment.
>>
>> As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and
>> took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the
>> middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to
>> the point of being extremely painful.  To release the pressure, Jack
>> unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went
>> to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
>>
>> His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her
>> face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"  Jack,
>> with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure that
>> I can fit another roll up my ass."


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