Text 2123, 222 rader
Skriven 2005-06-14 11:10:00 av George Pope
Kommentar till en text av GREG SEARS
Ärende: Re: F unny
==================
GS> G-day Sean Dennis, happy to give you something you can use, instead of
GS> just crap-jokes, stories, puns, and such! ;-)
You callin' my jokes, puns,storis, etc. CRAP?? :(
SHIT HAPPENS
in Literature
--------------
Herman Melville:
Call me shit.
Edgar Allan Poe:
The telltale shit.
Oscar Wilde: The Importance of Being Shit.
Milan Kundera: The Unbearable Lightness of Shit.
Arthur Miller: Shit of a Salesman.
Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.
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Anarchist: Government plots cause **** to happen
Feminism: It's because of men that **** happens.
Hare Krishnas: This **** happened before.
Islamics: If **** happens, take a hostage.
Judaism: Why does **** always happen to me?
Lawyers View: If **** Happens, SUE!
Liberal: It's society's failure that caused your **** to
Happen.
Libertarian: Don't tax MY **** when it Happens!
Scientists view: If **** Happens, record and analyze it.
Scientists view: If **** Happens, record and analyze it.
Athiest: **** happens because mankind caused it.
Catholicism: **** happens because we deserve it.
Protestantism: **** wouldn't happen if I worked harder.
Confucianism: Confucius say, **** happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****!
Reincarnationism: This **** has been happening over and over...
Athiesim: There is no ****.
Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
Pentecostalism: Praise the ****!
Independents: If **** happens, we quit!
Legislators: Open their mouths and the **** happens...
Plumbers: The **** happens, then it overflows...
Accountants: Miss a penny and the **** happens...
Teachers: The little ****S happen...
News Reporter: We get paid well when the **** happens...
Dietitian: **** happens if you eat regularly.
Taoism: **** Happens
Confucianism: Confucius say "**** Happens"
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of **** happening?
Hinduism: This **** happened before
Islam: If **** happens, it is the Will of Allah
Judaism: Why is **** always happening to us?
Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else
Catholicism: If **** happens, then you deserve it
New Age: I affirm **** does not happen to me
Unitarianism: **** anywhere you want
Rastafarianism: Let's roll up that **** and smoke it
Optimist: **** only happens once
Pessimist: **** happens forever
Fatalist: I knew this **** would happen again
Yuppie: It's my ****, all MINE. Isn't it WONDERFUL.
Agnostic: I'm not 100% sure whether of not **** happens
Capitalist: **** happens & it'll cost you.
Discordian: **** happens because God is a crazy woman.
Jehoviah's Witnesses: Knock, Knock, **** happens!
Satanism: Let's go make more **** happen!
Muslim: If **** happems, take a hostage!
7th day adventists: **** happens, on Sunday.
Branch Davidians: Whoa! I guess **** happened!
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Subject: Special High Intensity Training
Attention,
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
I suggest that the IMG form an adjunct Human Engineering and
Development Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal
implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?
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Have you ever wanted to know what kinda shit just came out of your ass?
Well to find out we look to...
THE GREAT DATABASE OF SHIT TYPES!
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This is a text file that lists all the different kinds of shit.
It's sick, twisted, rude, disgusting and funny! All in one!
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I know you just want me to gone on rather than wasting time with all this
crap that I'm typing in well, TOO BAD! Just joking, here you go:
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GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit coming out, but there is
nothing in the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, you see it in the toilet, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET SHIT: Where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels wet so
you put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
POP-A-VEIN-IN- You strain so much to get it out, you almost get a stroke
YOUR-FOREHEAD-
SHIT:
LINCOLN LOG The kind that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without
SHIT: first breaking it into smaller pieces with a stick.
GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy, everyone nearby is giggling, and you try to
cover it up by singing or whistling.
DRINKER SHIT: The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom
of the toilet.
CORN SHIT: (Self-explanatory)
GEE-I-WISH-I The kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on
COULD-SHIT SHIT:the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT:The kind where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it
was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT:The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, that your butt
gets splashed with water. (aka Power Dump)
LIQUID SHIT: The kind where reddish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt
and splashes all over the bowl.
MEXICAN SHIT: The kind where it smells so bad, your nose burns.
UPPER-CLASS The kind of shit that doesn't smell.
SHIT:
OOPS SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you're sure your about
to fart but OOPS! SHIT!
DANGLING SHIT: The shit that refuses to drop in the toilet even though you
done. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
BUNNY BULLET: When you are sure you just pinched a major loaf but when you
look in the toilet, all you see is a pellet the size of a
rabbit dropping.
GREAT DUST BOWL This is a kind of shit that is so dry it stops half way out
SHIT: and will not go any further in any direction.
QUASIMODO SHIT: The kind of shit that makes you strain so hard, your face
becomes permanetely disfigured.
BATMAN SHIT: This is a combination of the Wet and the Liquid Shits but
with the added embarrassment that you don't find a lot of it
until you lift the toilet seat and see it hanging upside down
CINDER BLOCK The kind that you can feel scratching the four corners of
SHIT: your butt all the way out and then clangs as it hits the
water and nearly breaks the toilet bowl.
NUCLEAR WASTE This one smells so bad, it sends everyone running out of the
DUMP SHIT: house for fresh air and the bathroom has to be sealed for
24 hrs. to allow for decontamination and for the air to be
safe to breathe again.
ERNEST & JULIO You turn purple and push so hard, you have hanging
GALLO SHIT: hemorrhoids that looks like grape clusters.
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Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
|<+]::-) ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)
... nfx v3.1
--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
* Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC, 604-532-4367 (1:153/307)
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