Text 2206, 104 rader
Skriven 2005-06-24 08:40:02 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Ärende: Bone
============
.  o  _   From the Desk of Greg Sears AREA: F-UNNY
. Q\_|_)   --=[ I C E-man's FUNNY BONE Collection Book for ALL ]=--
. T> III                     Page: 10

         .-'--.
       .'      '.                   To: All Employees
      /     _    `-.              From: Management
     /      .\-     \,  ,      Subject: Retirement and Training Policies
    ;       .-|-'    \####,
    |,       .-|-'    ;####
   ,##         `     ,|###"    As a result of the reduction of money
#,####, "#,        ,#|^;#     budgeted for departmental areas, we have
`######  `#####,|##" |`)|     been forced to cut down on our number of
  `#####    ```o\`\o_.| ;\     personnel.  Under a new plan, older em-
   (-`\#,    .-'` |`  : `;     ployees will be asked to go on an early
   `\ ;\#,         \   \-'     retirement, thus permitting the retention
     )( \#    C,_   \   ;      of younger people who will represent our
     (_,  \  /   `'./   |      future plans.  Therefore, a program to
       \  / | .-`'--'`. |      phase out older personnel by the end of
   jgs  | ( \   ,  /_,  |      the current fiscal year, via retirement,
        \    `   ``     /      will be placed into effect immediately.
         '-.__     // .'       The program will be known as RAPE
              `'`.__.'         (Retire Aged People Early).

  Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other
  jobs outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPEd, they
  can request a review of their employment records before actual retire-
  ment takes place.  This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey
  of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

  All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with
  upper management.  This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Author-
  ity Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, employ-
  ees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the
  company deems appropriate.

  If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled
  to receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
  As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
  HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company.

  In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who re-
  main on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that
  employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training
  (SHIT).  The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
  receive.  We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company
  in the area.  If any employee feels he, or she, does not receive enough
  SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor
  is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

  Employees who don't voluntarily take SHIT will nonetheless be placed on
  the SHIT list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation Pro-
  grams (DEEP-SHIT).  Those who fail to take DEEP-SHIT seriously will have
  to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT-SHIT).  Since our managers took
  SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and
  are full of SHIT already.  If an employee is unable to grasp the concepts
  of SHIT, he or she will be put on the Opportunities Halted probationary
  list. (OH-SHIT)

  If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a  job training others.
  We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULL-SHIT).
  Those who are full of BULL-SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for
  promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP-SHIT).

  There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us
  Giving Hell (TOUGH-SHIT).  If you have further questions, please direct
  them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT-SHIT).
  For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
  consulting, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational
  Research Education (MORE-SHIT).  This course has its emphasis on how to
  manage MORE-SHIT.

  If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the SHIT that is
  given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as
  Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (CRAP).  You too can be a member
  of management.  Simply take all the SHIT you can and you can look for-
  ward to additional CRAP when you reach the top.  Any employee who has
  the initiative and drive to take both SHIT and CRAP can count on being
  one of the elite.

  Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for
  you, the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling
  Our Loyal Employees (ASSHOLE).  So work hard and you will find that the
  more SHIT you take and the more CRAP you can handle may qualify you as
  an ASSHOLE and, one day, maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming
  (DIP-SHIT).

  Thank you,

  Boss in General,
  Special High Intensity Training (BIG-SHIT)

  Copy to:
  Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating
  Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCKOF-SHIT)

         _                                                 _
        (_'------Suggest The Funny Bone To A Friend-------'_)
        (_.===============================================._)

 

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