Text 2285, 309 rader
Skriven 2005-07-05 06:35:36 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: F unny
==================
 GS> the black box only to open it and find that all 104 members of the
   > Cirque troupe had wedged themselves inside along with the recording
   > equipment and were alive and well, if not a bit cramped.  "It was

Funny

 -=[04-Jul-2005 03:31, George Pope replied IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-

 GP> The tragedy was that this circus troupe SURVIVED!!!
   > But the captain of the plane is in a better place now (without Cirque
   > du Soleil!)

  G-day George Pope, those French_Canucks know how to survive eh! '-0

 GP> Fly-Bye:

   -- Idiots guide to Holiday Parking --

   (long but oh so true!)

   Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the
road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from
passing.

   Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as
possible.  Diagonal parking is preferred.

   Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and
stop on the line, taking both.

   Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though
and take it from him.

   Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the
other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.

   Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with
your door really hard.

   Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted
lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of
speed.

   Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the
middle of the road.  The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging
passengers.

   Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way
and let the car behind you take it.

   Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular
parking spot.

   Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a
dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive
down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your
spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere elsewhere.

   Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian
cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and
attempt to pass him.

   Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!

   Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit
through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into
traffic, and wait.

   Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way
aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a
parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

   Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.

   Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center
parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including
that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

   Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking
lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

   Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a
spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your
seat, and he radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat
your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what
you just bought.

   Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping
cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into
an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is
flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

   Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center,
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you
are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the
next aisle and do it again.

   Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to
load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT
tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and
signaling for your spot.

   Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers
walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key
chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud  "BLOOP BLEEP"
that scares the crap out of them.

   Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls
parking lot, there isn't any!

   Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with
it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially
effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write,
"There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my
name, address, and phone number! HA HA!


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

Gadzillion Things To Think About music.......

  Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

  Are some instruments in a drum-and-bugle corps purely cymbolic?

  Do you get an A flat minor if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

  How come most car horns and the dial tone on a phone are both in the
key of F?

  How do they get all of those records into that little booth jukebox?

  How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

  If diamond is the hardest substance why do diamond needles on record
players wear down so fast?

  If music be the food of love why don't rabbits sing?

  If you bought a CD entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane" and
enjoyed it can you take it back and demand a refund?

  If you combined country music with rap would you call it 'crap'?

  If you played a blank tape at full blast would it drive a mime nuts?

  In the TV commercials for music albums they give you a choice: 2
cassettes for $29.99 or 2 CDs for $49.99. If the main benefit for CDs is
the fact that you can store more on them why do they need 2 CDs?

  Is it possible that 'Memorex' is the name of an all-mime band and those
tapes aren't blank at all?

  Is it true that the bagpipes were actually invented by the Irish and as
a joke gave them to the Scottish who still haven't learned how to play
them properly?

  Is it true that the difference between a guitar player and a mutual
fund is that when a mutual fund matures IT starts making money?

  Is it true that the reason bagpipe players walk while they play is that
they are trying to get away from the noise?

  Is the problem with reality the fact that there's no background music?

  Is the singer from 'Milli Vanilli' really dead or is he just pretending
again?

  Isn't it true that no opera plot is sensible? After all in sensible
situations people do not sing do they?

  Peoples' senses are supposed to deteriorate as they age so how come
alternative music sounds louder to people the older they get?

  Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn if you painted
them white would it be easier to learn how to play the piano?

  They say that some people march to a different drummer, but how many
people polka?

  Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put
his beer?

  What is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

  What is the purpose of having lyrics to opera music? Has anyone EVER
understood a single word?

  What's the difference between metal and chrome cassettes? Isn't chrome
a metal?

  When the chipmunks inhale helium do they sing in a deep voice?

  When your neighbors are playing loud music should you put some of your
tapes or CDs in their mailbox in the hope that they will play music you
like?

  Where do they get that awful music for ice skating?

  Where does music come from?

  Why are CD packages so hard to open?

  Why do musical genres come (and go) in waves?

  Why do parents always hate whatever their kids listen to? And why did
our parents listen to such crappy music?

  Why do radio stations interrupt "60 minutes of uninterrupted music" to
tell you you're listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

  Why do they call the item used to play a violin or fiddle a 'Bow' when
it obviously doesn't even resemble one?

  Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?

  Why is "easy listening" music so hard to listen to?

  Why is it that you have to make a record to be famous yet you have to
be famous to make a record? Where do you start?

  Wouldn't those who enjoy extra loud music in their car enjoy it so much
more if they rolled their windows up?


> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

Gadzillion Things To Think About sport....


  Do joggers with pump-up trainers have to carry spares?

  Do mountain climbers tie themselves together with ropes just to prevent
the sensible ones from going home?

  Does anyone ever get their third wind?

  How come you never see a jogger that actually looks like they're
enjoying it?

  If a jogger runs at the speed of sound can he still hear his Walkman?

  If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints is that considered
racism?

  If sidewalks were meant for joggers wouldn't they be called 'sidejogs'?

  If you jogged backward would you gain weight?

  If your friend challenged you to a foot race would you rather come in
'Second' or 'Next-to-last'?

  Isn't the trouble with jogging the fact that by the time you realize
you're not in shape for it it's too far to walk back?

  Mountaineers talk about going up Everest the easy way. Is there such a
thing as an EASY way up Everest? Is there an elevator around the back
or something?

  So how many joggers do you think showed up at the Y to sign up for the
2K they've heard so much about?

  They say that Bear Bells provide an element of safety for hikers in
grizzly country but just how do we get them on the bears?

  They say that some runners experience a runner's high from the release
of endorphins in the brain in response to the pain the body endures. If
this is so then why aren't any of them smiling?

  When hiking why does the weight of your pack increase in direct
proportion to the amount of food you consume from it?  And when you run
out of food why does the pack weight keep on increasing?

  Why are there so many magazines about running when the only thing
involved is the rapid placement of one foot ahead of the other?

  Why do joggers jog in traffic when just 2 feet away there is a
perfectly good sidewalk?

  Why do mountain climbers always want to take one more peak?

  Why do people get up take a shower and then go jogging?

  Why is it okay to wear a pair of jogging shorts in public but not a
pair of boxer shorts?

  Why is orienteering considered a sport?

  Wouldn't marathons be a lot more interesting if after the race started,
hungry wild animals were released onto the course? Tigers would be fun,
wouldn't they?


    .------------.
   / I C E-van|[0]\
   |  _       |_ice\ Cheers,
~ ~=-(@)------(@)-=/ I C E-man
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