Text 2712, 192 rader
Skriven 2005-10-04 06:50:06 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: A story
===================
               -=> George Pope wrote a message to all <=-

 GP> A story:

 GP> Craig answered, "a lot you know! I wasn't even HOME last night!"

G-day Mate, did you hear the one about..............................

Moses and Jesus playing golf one day when they came up to a long
hole with a water trap right in the middle of the fairway.  Jesus
teed his ball up and pulled out a two iron.  Moses saw this and said,
"You can't make it over that trap with a two iron." Jesus replied,
"The I C E-man does it all the time.  Sure I can."  So Jesus hit the
ball and sure enough, the ball fell right into the trap.  Moses
walked down, parted the water and retrieved Jesus's ball.  As he
brought it back up to Jesus he said, "See, I told you you would never
make it over that trap.  Your going to need at least a four wood."

Jesus said, "No!  If The I C E-man can do this with a two iron, I
can!"  So he hit the ball again.  Right into the trap it went.  As
Jesus was walking around on the top of the water, looking for his
ball, a golfer walked by and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he
is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "No, he thinks he's The I C E-man...."


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

                  February 17, 1994,  News of the weird;
                            BY Chuck Shepherd

   - In the December Behavioral Neuroscience journal, researchers at
Rotterdam's Erasmus University reported that injecting a certain hormone
into young heterosexual male rats made them attempt to mate with males
each day at dusk but not at other times.

   - In December, Rory Thompson, 57, was granted a patent for a device
that permits viewers to see an ordinary color TV, or computer screen, in
three dimensions. Thompson developed the device in Risdon Prison
Hospital in Hobart, Australia, where he has lived for 10 years. He was
declared insane following a 1984 conviction for killing his wife and
flushing parts of her body down a toilet.

   - In January, several students in Keota, Okla., accused their
industrial arts teacher of forcing them to hold live wires as a way of
learning about electricity.

   - In December, Paul Hernandez, 56, died in Miami from head injuries
suffered 32 years earlier. Hernandez was part of the U.S.-backed "Bay of
Pigs" invasion of Cuba in 1961 and had suffered frequent seizures since
then as a result of a gunshot during an ambush by Cuban soldiers.

   - The Bangkok Post reported in October that several charlatan
physicians had performed at least 100 bogus penis-enlargement operations
recently in Thailand. The procedures involved injections containing a
mixture of olive oil, chalk and various substances to provide bulk. Said
a hospital official in the city of Chiang Mai, "I've even seen (victims'
penises containing) bits of the Bangkok telephone directory."

   - In July, Detroit dermatologist Dr. Duyen Faria told Gannett News
Service that his experimental project could help millions of Americans
with wounds that do not heal quickly enough. Faria transplants foreskins
from circumcized infants onto adult wounds instead of obtaining grafts
of the adults' own skin.

   - In December the Associated Press reported on research conducted by
James M. Dabbs, a psychology professor at Georgia State University, to
determine personality by examining hormones. Dabbs prefers using
hormones found in saliva rather than in blood because it is easier to
get subjects to spit. "Dr. Spit," as Dabbs is known, said he is a
pioneer in the field because other researchers might view working with
spit as "unseemly."

   - Neurologist Dr. Angelika Hahn of the University of Western Ontario
told the Associated Press in November that a genetic cause has been
found for "startle disease," which makes victims overreact when
startled, even to the point of becoming stiff and falling over. Because
victims are unable to break their falls, they are vulnerable to bone
fractures.

   - In July, research entomologist Gene Lamire of Naples, Fla., set up
the nation's first mosquito-trapping program that uses the tantalizing
fragrance of "cow's breath" as the lure. Building on research from
Africa, Lamire installed 42 traps containing the synthetic chemical
Octenol, which mosquitos evidently find irresistible. Within the first
month, "millions" of mosquito carcasses were found in the traps.

   - In a recent medical journal article, five Phoenix, Ariz.,
physicians reported the case of a 34-year-old man who manually forced a
ballpoint pen through his right eye in an apparent suicide attempt so
that only about one inch of it was sticking out. The physicians'
literature search yielded a dozen other cases of "self-inflicted,
nonmissile, penetrating, intracranial injuries," involving nails, a
steel spring, a hook pin and an awl.

   - In January in Montreal, Quebec, Judge Raymonde Verreault sentenced
a 37-year-old man to only 23 months in prison for a series of sexual
assaults from 1989 to 1991 on his stepdaughter, who was 9 years old when
the attacks started. Verreault, who is female, said the mitigating
factor for the light sentence was that the man had "spared the victim."
Said Verreault, because the assaults had been by sodomy and not "normal"
intercourse, "(the victim) retained her virginity, which seems to be a
very important value in their religion (Muslim)."


> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

PUNCHLINES
Compiled by Terry  Kelleher

  Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Ross Perot claims the White House has a
team dedicated to making him go away. I think he has a right to be
angry. This is just another example of the federal government stepping
in where private citizens are doing a fine job all by themselves."

Comedian Mike Sullivan-Irwin: "Convicted murderer Byron De La Beckwith
says he should be set free because he didn't get a speedy trial. Like
the one he gave Medgar Evers."

David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Whoopi Goldberg has
been selected to be the host of the Academy Awards. Congratulations to
Whoopi, although this does take some of the suspense out of who's going
to win for best makeup this year."

Comedian Billy Hine: "It's incredible the amount of money Nancy Kerrigan
is due to make over getting hit once with a club. I bet Rodney King is
sorry he never took skating lessons."

Leno on President Clinton's decision to lift the trade embargo against
Vietnam: "The Vietnamese are thrilled with the news. Now they can
finally get those Jane Fonda exercise videos."

Comedy writer Jeff Jensen: "The Walt Disney Company plans to renovate
the rundown New Amsterdam Theater on 42nd Street and put on live shows.
To suit the location, some of Snow White's dwarfs will be renamed -
Cracky, Alky and Sleazy."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Disney plans to spend $ 30 million on the
renovation - $ 10 million on the theater and $ 20 million for guys to
stand out front going, 'Check it out! Nude mice inside!' "

Comedy writer Vincent Punturieri: "The first live show will be 'Beauty
Does the Beast.' "

Mark Russell, "The Mark Russell Comedy Special": "Gerry Adams was
confined to New York City for 48 hours. The British were hoping he'd use
the subway."

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "Originally the attack
on Nancy Kerrigan was planned for New Year's Eve, but they couldn't find
a hit man who was willing to miss the Howard Stern special."

Comedy writer David Brody: "I'm so glad President Clinton is lifting the
trade embargo against Vietnam. Now Americans will be able to import some
of that country's fine products, such as . . . "

Robin Williams on "Comic Relief VI": "The only people happy about the
Menendez [mistrials] are the people at Court TV: 'They loved the pilot!
We've got a pickup!' "

Dennis Miller on Comedy Central's "State of the Union Undressed":
"Russia - what a sad state. That place is about as stable as Crispin
Glover."

Comedy writer Lori Peters on the State of the Union: "Clinton was the
first president to broadcast his speech with a claptrack."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on Michael Jackson: "If he's going to
spend millions to keep somebody quiet, why couldn't he write a check to
LaToya and help the rest of us out?"

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," on the Jackson
settlement: "Apparently the kid got $ 10 million and three llamas."

Comedy writer Vincent Punturieri: "Mayor Giuliani says community
policing forces cops to play social worker. It could be worse. They
could be forced to play with Andrew."

Comedian Billy Hine: "If John Wayne Bobbitt goes on 'Love Connection,'
what will they say for his marital status - 'unattached'?"



    .------------.
   / I C E-van|[0]\
   |  _       |_ice\ Cheers,
~ ~=-(@)------(@)-=/ I C E-man
##############################

... George Pope. . . . Said that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2?

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