Text 2808, 125 rader
Skriven 2005-10-09 19:14:18 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Letter to America
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JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen
Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will
be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
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Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
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