Text 2841, 124 rader
Skriven 2005-10-18 22:20:54 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Proof That Teenage Drug Experimenting was Bad
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Never Touchin' the Taser Again!

 My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something a
in to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this tru
 story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes...

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: K
ep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool f
r my wife.

The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
xtra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip
 For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-let
al stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a
hock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The ef
ects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your as
ailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button
 and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering
 pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you
re truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA bat
eries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
pon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much
to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the p
ongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed
he button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface
that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the pr
ngs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!

Yipeeeeee!

I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her
hat that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn'
 be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul),
eading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I reall
 needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and tho
ght better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to giv
 this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some ass
rance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched & ;d
licately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
he directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assai
ant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodil
 control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on th
 ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
han 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bi
sy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of
ou who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting t
ere alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don'
 do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such ! a tiny lil' ole th
ng couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances
 wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20-20. It is so obvi
us that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at
the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pus
ed the button, and HOLY*********!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up
out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, tes
icles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body i
 the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never he
rd before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do i
 again!"

(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of cau
ion. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a vio
ent thrashing about on the floor.. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge on
 of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** ;that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sa
 up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How
id they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitch
ng. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weig
ed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a
reward. They're round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Mis
 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.


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