Text 2922, 103 rader
Skriven 2005-10-27 08:12:54 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: B O O
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                                Gimme Candy
                                by Joe Lavin

Well, Halloween is quickly approaching. I know this because someone let
Elvira out of the Has Been Home for a few days. You'll see her wandering
through the streets occasionally.

"Hi. I starred in a movie once."

It's really sad.

"And beer commercials."

At any rate, since Halloween is almost here, many people --

"I also hosted Friday Night Videos."

Yes, thank you, Elvira. I have a column to write. Please be quiet. So as
I was saying, many people have asked me what costumes they should wear
this year when they go out trick or treating. Well, actually I'm lying.
No one was stupid enough to ask me that, but reader Ann Halsell did
write in to ask what type of Halloween column I had cooked up, and this
gimmick was the best I could come up with. Honest.

The Dorky Guy in the Corner without a Costume -- This is the costume I
choose most years, and it's a great conversation starter.

"What? You forgot to get a costume?"

"No. You see, this *is* my costume. I came as a Dorky Guy in the Corner
without a Costume. Pretty clever, huh?"

"That's nice. I have to go talk to someone else now."

I also recommend the Dorky Guy Hiding in His Apartment with the Lights
Out Because He Forgot To Buy Candy. This is not to be confused with the
Fat Guy Hiding in His Apartment with the Lights Out Because He Ate All
the Candy. Both are excellent costumes.

The David Hasselhoff -- This scares me, just thinking about it. For
extra effectiveness, try singing Trick or Treat at the door.

Speaking of David Hasselhoff, which I conveniently seem to be doing, I
came across one of his albums in a used CD shop ($6, very overpriced.)
After looking at his CD, I have decided not to be so harsh on him. He
is, after all, a man of love. I know this because of the twelve songs on
the album, five included the word love. There is "Fallin' in Love," "Do
You Believe in Love?," "Days of our Love," "Miracle of Love," and "Those
Lovin' Eyes." To round out the collection, he also sings, "Dark Side of
my Heart," "Save the World," and "The Best is Yet to Come," which rather
fittingly comes towards the end of the CD.

The Elvira -- Look, Elvira, I'm warning you. Stay out of the column.

The Bob Dole -- This is bound to scare anyone.

"Er, er, Bob Dole says trick or treat. Gimme some candy. Bob Dole
deserves candy. Bob Dole's earned it. Bob Dole was in Congress
thirty-six years. Bob Dole was in WW2. Gimme some candy. Er."

The Bob Dole Dressed as Elvira -- Now, that's just plain silly. I'm
sorry.

The John Tesh -- Don't forget the horns and pitchfork to make this
really scary. I know you're already scared of John Tesh, but now there
are new reasons to be scared of him. Apparently, in addition to being
evil incarnate, he is also an alien. At least, this is what the
Anti-Tesh Action Society believes. The Anti-Tesh Action Society is an
actual organization (well, mainly two brothers from Detroit) that
follows John Tesh around the country trying to prove that John Tesh is
in fact an alien. Apparently, one of their major pieces of evidence is
that he was the host of a show called ET. Entertainment Tonight.
Extra-Terrestrial. Coincidence? They think not.

I suppose I should do some research to learn more about this, but I
haven't for several reasons.

1. I'm not a real reporter,

2. I don't really want to meet the two brothers, nor John Tesh for that
   matter, and

3. I heard all this on a wacky morning radio show, so it must be true.
   Right?

At any rate, now that you know John Tesh may be an alien, he'll make an
even scarier costume. Or maybe not. Maybe John Tesh is less scary now
that we know why he is here (namely, to weaken the human race through
crappy music in preparation for the coming alien invasion) than before
when we just plain didn't know.


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