Text 2986, 85 rader
Skriven 2005-11-15 21:05:03 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Gilette -- the best(?) a man can get!
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Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades - The Onion

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
February 18, 2004




Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shavin
in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy
came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit bac
with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe
strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you
what happened - the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around wit
our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no,
suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

James M. Kilts CEO and President, The Gillette Company


Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like th
logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the
next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip
and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know
why: Because we're a business, that's why!
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're
the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can
get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades
is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever
existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by
clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances.
Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to
wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent - I tell them. And I'm
telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the
blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they
have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut
the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razo
history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen
and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the
board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take
risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor
becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they
said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?"
Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on
fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not
on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day
leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there
with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than
five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be
so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be
so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief
under it."
I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what
will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the
price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever
shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.
Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds
cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put
another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips,
and make the second one lather. You heard me - the second strip lathers. It's a
whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just
key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge - the
razor's edge - and I feel like dancing. - The Onion



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