Text 3057, 239 rader
Skriven 2005-11-21 04:39:50 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Fashion
===================
-=> 19-Nov-2005 21:38, George Pope wrote in a message to Cindy Haglund <=-
GP> What can we say about fashion/fads/style?
PAUL BOMBOY will explain in.................
Death of a Cucumber
===================
I awoke one morning
with murder on my mind.
Thoughts of doing killings
of the most hideous kind.
My hands were badly shaking.
My face was cold and pallid.
I woke with an incessant urge
to have a freshly made salad!
I went into my kitchen
and took Butcher-Knife in hand,
and headed for the garden
with a demented maniacal plan.
First I'd pull up the lettuce,
then make SURE that it was dead
by taking my sharpened Butcher-Knife
and thrusting it through it's head!
Very soon my blood-lust
was taking further hold.
My twisted and demented plan
was growing oh so bold.
I gingerly took a tomato
and plucked it from it's vine.
I hacked it with my Butcher-Knife.
my victim lay supine.
My eyes were all glazed over
while looking for my prey.
I knew the deaths would be MANY
and MULTITUDINOUS today!
Slowly I stalked the corn.
Then I shifted gears.
I leapt while swinging madly
and deftly removed it's ears.
With the visions of the slayings
still fresh in my head.
I looked upon the veggies
and seeing all were dead.
A primal urge then gripped me.
I couldn't hardly bear it!
I swung the Butcher-Knife again,
and took the top off of a carrot.
Finally, I looked upon my hands
covered with sap and gore.
I knew this grip of death-dealing
had left me evermore...
And as I sit here weeping,
torn by my disease.
I wished to God that SOMEONE
would have brought me some Bleu Cheese!
> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
NEW SOFTWARE ANNOUNCEMENT
PC WIFE for Dos and Windows
For the truly lonely and scandalously ugly men with no chance of
ever finding the real thing.
NOTICE! This is not Freeware!
Manual and Quick Reference Guide
From the time you load this software, you are required to cash your
paycheck and send the entire amount to the address listed. We will send
back the money we think you will need each week.
Before installing, read all instructions in this manual and make
several back up copies of the original disks. This software has caused
hardware damage in some machines with short-tempered users.
This software, like many others, is claimed to work with Windows. It
might. It might not. If it doesn't, it is your fault. Buy a better
computer next time!
RUNNING PC WIFE
Okay you lovebirds, dim the lights and open that bottle of champagne.
Insert the install disk (disk 1) into one of the floppy drives(A or B).
At the C: prompt, type A: or B: install. You will notice a faint smell
of perfume, a soft moaning sound, and the room may feel warm. You may
feel slight dizziness and a lack of good judgement. Don't worry. This is
normal.
At this point an introduction screen will appear on the monitor. Press
enter. You will now be asked a few simple questions like those listed
below. Please consider your answers carefully.
1. Are you married?
2. Do you have any children?
3. Have you been married before?
4. How much money do you make? Alot?
5. Do you want to have children?
6. What time do you get home from work?
No answer is wrong. Remember, this is for losers. The program will ad-
just for any combination of answers. Once you have answered all 2,486
questions, the program will automatically begin. The computer must
remain on at all times. An Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) would be
a good addition to your equipment for full enjoyment.
HOW IT WORKS
There are several programs and files that are used in the operation of
PC WIFE. Do not delete any of these files.
README.DOC- Who does? You might want to read this six months from now.
PISS.EXE- Timed program, runs every afternoon.
MOAN.DAT- Data file used with PISS.EXE.
PMS.COM- Program runs once a month, however, can also run at any
time, or not at all. (Do whatever it instructs!)
WENCH.EXE- Program runs when requested. You may have to request this
several times to get it to run. Begging may help.
BITCH.EXE- Program will run sooner or later. Be patient. Negative
feedback aggravates the program.
Note: Runs more frequently if you drink or are late from
work, or if you are late in complying with any
PC WIFE request.
BITCH.DAT- Data file used with BITCH.EXE.
CLEAN.EXE- Merely a reminder program with a handy "clean the house"
pop-up menu. Failure to follow instructions given
carefully will result in more frequent executions of
BITCH.EXE. Frequent running of BITCH.EXE could cause more
frequent action of PMS.COM. This is not a preferred
situation.
MIL.EXE- A mother-in-law simulation program creates a noise similar
to a parrot with its foot hung. Running of other programs
in PC WIFE not complying with requests in a timely manner
will determine duration and volume of program execution.
DINNER.EXE- A handy reminder program consisting of phone numbers for
pizza delivery (or fine dining establishments).
SECRET FILES
There are many hidden files in PC WIFE. If you are lucky, and blessed
with quick reflexes, you will not endure the wrath of these files.
REMINDER
Sign the enclosed Warranty Death Beneficiary Registration Card before
installing this software. Mail card and first paycheck 10 days before
installation of program.
REMOVING PC WIFE
Once PC WIFE has been running five minutes, it will be in complete con-
trol of your house, car, and life. If for any reason you are unhappy
with your PC WIFE, there is only one way to loosen its hold on you.
Upon receipt of all deeds, bank account holdings and titles, legally
signed over to our company, we will gladly terminate 90% of PC WIFE
functions. If at any time a check for 75% of your earnings is more than
five days late in arriving, PC WIFE will be reinstated with all hidden
files on activated status.
DISCLAIMER
The makers of PC WIFE hold no responsibility for damage, medical costs,
loss of sanity, financial ruin, or any other potentially adverse
effects from running this software.
Thank you very much for your purchase and continued support.
Till Death Do Us Part Software, Inc.
> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
AND DON'T MISS OUR LATEST CREATION
PC CHILD!
THE PERFECT ADDITION TO PC WIFE!
A mere nine months after installation of software, a heady perfume of
ammonia and manure will permeate your home. Yes! For one entire year,
your house will not only smell like a baby lives there, but it will
sound like you are the proud father of triplets! Shrieks, screams and
giggles will emit at random times from your SoundBlaster. Fool
neighbors and friends with 2 am feeding wails and gurgles that last
well past dawn!
As if that wasn't enough, slimy drool and vile-smelling, green glop
will spurt from your floppy drives many times during the next 18 years.
Yes, 18 YEARS! Amaze your friends! (A keyboard condom will be included
in your purchase.)
You want MORE?? We've GOT more! Hard drive fevers in the middle of the
night! Simulated trips to hospital emergency rooms! Report cards!
Calls from the principal! PTA meetings! And when your PC CHILD turns 16
years old, you'd better buy a new car, because your child will be DRIV-
ING! Yes, DRIVING! AND getting in car wrecks on the average of twice a
month! Watch your insurance rates climb!
And the fun goes on and on and on. We can't tell you everything. That
wouldn't be any fun, would it? But we suggest you start bugging your
computer retailer now for PC CHILD. Your PC WIFE will want one every
two or three years, and you don't want to make her angry! Trust us.
Salutations from --Christchurch-+
ICE-man in /\ | \ | / Mountains, Sunshine
New Zealand / \/\ | /\ -- O -- Forestry, Farming
-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^/ \!!ii,,..@-/==\---^-^-^-^-^ Beaches and Surfing
... "Janet!", "Dr. Scott!", "Janet!", "Brad!", "Rocky!", "Bullwinkle!"
--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
* Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)
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