Text 3176, 271 rader
Skriven 2005-12-04 10:58:18 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Catholic Lakeside Follies
=====================================
                   -=> George Pope wrote to all <=-

 GP> A priest, a nun, Little Johnny, and a lawyer are out fishing in the

Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's
Syndrome Source:  North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December
1993
Author:  Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

   On January 2, 1993, Mr. C, an obese, white Caucasian male, who appeared
approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age,
presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized
aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise.  The
patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress,
although his demeanor was jolly.  He attributed these symptoms to being
"not as young as I used to be, Ho! Ho! Ho!", but thought he should have
them checked out.
   The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on
December 25th, to many people worldwide.  He flies in a sleigh pulled by
eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys.  He has performed
this work for as long as he can remember.
   Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have
discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed
medical syndrome related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named
Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.
   Medical History:  Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his
working hours.  However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face
may indicate long-term ethanol abuse.  He has smoked pipe tobacco for many
years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to
cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years.  He has had no
major illnesses or surgeries in the past.  He has no known allergies.
Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
world annually.  He has had all his immunizations, including all available
vaccines for tropical diseases.  He does little exercise and eats large
meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of
calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on
Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).
Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any
relatives.

   Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates:  The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision.
His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein
staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions.  This
appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his
eyes at high velocity during his flights.  He has headaches nearly every
day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress.
   He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls
from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds
(delivered by homeowners mistaking him for a burglar) and bites consistent
with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.  Patches of
leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits
are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during
high-altitude flights.
   He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and
a respiratory rate of 40.  He has had shortness of breath for several
years, which worsens during exertion.  He has no evidence of acute cardiac
or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to
his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with
his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary
heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems.  Blood
tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I
attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished
fireplaces.
   He has experienced chronic back pain for several years.  A neurological
examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1
disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring
bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of
chimneys.
   Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as
scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

   Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates:  Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years.  I do not believe it to be
organic in nature--rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
personal and professional life which cause him distress.
   He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5
years ago.  This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he
experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his
existence.
   Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound
unhappiness.  He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the
widespread commercial use of his likeness and name.  Although he reports
satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic
impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic
tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only
vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his hiring practices
are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming
from his obesity.  The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told
many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a
serious identity crisis if not dealt with.  He reports great stress over
having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt
and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are
"naughty" and "nice".
   Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter
at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor
to his depression.

   Treatment and Counselling:  All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes.  A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.  On
February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer
has been detected as of this writing.  He was counselled to wash soot from
his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable,
and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh.
He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his
uniform.
   He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce
his smoking and drinking.  He has shown success with these lifestyle
changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to
resist the treats left out for him next Christmas.
   He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, Ho!
Ho! Ho!".

   Conclusions:  Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should
seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis.  I encourage
other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions
(e.g. nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to
investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/ psychological
syndromes exist.  The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective
management of these syndromes.

by Kevin Speight

> OBX-mas for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

                           Christmas Carols
                          ------------------
               <Star Trek : The Next Generation Style>

FROM JEAN-LUC PICARD (to the tune of "Let It Snow"):

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go--
Make it so, make it so, make it so!


FROM WILLIAM RIKER (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)


FROM WESLEY CRUSHER, Starfleet Cadet
to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"):

I'm at Starfleet Academy,
And I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day--
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy!


FROM DATA:
to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh--
or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective
and intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun,"
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
yes, sir.


WORF E-MAILED two different greetings.
The first appears to be to the tune of "White Christmas":

I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think they've hidden,
But this one didn't,
And I'm using him as bait.
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame--
And I hope you're wishing me the same!


The second is most easily sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song"
("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"):

Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
Ripping up an airtight hull;
Signs of fear on your enemy's face,
And life-support signs reading null!
Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
Phaser beams set his torso aglow--
He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!
He knows that Worf is on his way!
And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"!
And so I'm offering this simple threat
To Roms, and all Ferengi, too:
You'll be as dead as a life-form can get--
Merry Christmas to you!

Evidence suggests that these last two greetings are samples from a
proposed anthology entitled "Klingon Kristmas Karols," published by the
Federation as an attempt to translate certain aspects of Terran culture
into Klingon terms; further examples from this festive book of holiday
glee would be (to coin a term) fascinating to contemplate.  The reader
will note that Christmas felicitations from Deanna Troi, Beverly
Crusher, Geordi LaForge, Guinan, and M.E.  O'Brien are curiously absent;
perhaps some other user has intercepted these, and will post them for
our continued edification.


> OBX-mas for Mr.  <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

              MERRY CHRISMAS!

You think you got it bad?
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly
socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a
stork,  driving all night in the snow - damn
near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed
off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits
over Albuquerque and you should see my suit.
The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless
I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit.
The only highball I had all night was when I
slipped getting out of my sleigh

My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd my
pants at 20,000 feet and froze my ass to the
seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all
over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

            HO!  HO!  HO!                    X
                                            XXX
      MERRY CHRISTMAS, your ass.           XXXXX
                                          XXXXXXX
                                             |



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