Text 3178, 195 rader
Skriven 2005-12-04 11:03:26 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Cock Sucks
======================
-=> George Pope wrote to all <=-
GP> Why it sucks to be a cock:
I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you
wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says,
"Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the
work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
> OBX-mas: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
Seasons Greetings
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons
greetings has been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward
corporate downsizing.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market
share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the
profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business
School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited
and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not
be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when
he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes luxury which an no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every
goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays!
> OBX-mas for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")
THE TEX-MEX VERSION OF "THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS"
Jim and Nita Lee (Dec. 1972)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature ws stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pijamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!
-=- -=-
(\ _ /) (\ _ /)
( \( )/ ) I C E-man ( \( )/ )
( ) Wishes You ( )
`> <' Seasons Greetings `> <'
/ \ 09 December 05 / \
`-._.-' `-._.-'
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* Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)
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