Text 3184, 240 rader
Skriven 2005-12-04 23:12:24 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: International-Style
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                -=> George Pope wrote to all <=-

 GP> What Wives from different countries say during sex:

Recently some new revelations from the great Sen. Joe McCarthy about his
view on Santa:


For long time, this has been  MOST SECRET information, but since the
collapse of the Soviet Union, and the breakdown of the Gulag, Sant Claus
for the past seventy years had been working for the communists!

Fact One: What does Santa do? He gives free presents to and only to
Children! How about that as as Sino Soviet attempt to undermine the free
market capitalist system, but not asking the children to pay for their
presents. Also if you want to destroy a system, you target the children!

Fact Three: 'Uncle' Joe Stalin saw the potential for destroying the
world's economy so he did a deal with Santa, he would provide Santa with
slave labor for his factories, if Santa would help him with his 'plan'.
Santa being the good businessman that he was jumped at the opportunity. So
now the most secret truth can be told, the Gulag Archipelago high up in
the Russian Siberia, close to the North Pole was set up to provide factory
fodder for Santa Claus!!! The reason why this truth did not come out till
now, was because of they all died, such was the working conditions in
Santa's factories.

Fact Four: Who said, beware of strange men bearing gifts?

Fact Five: In reality, Santa is really a Turk as he was born in Asia
Minor, near a place in Turkey called Kas, about 50AD, and his name was
Nick, not Kris Kringle! So the Russians took in the old man, gave him a
new identity as 'Santa Claus", made him an agent of theirs, and gave him a
RED SUIT!! (You are number One,no no, I am number Six.....)

Fact Six: So concerned where the Americans, and Sen Joe MCarthy about the
new secret  weapon of the Russians during the Cold War, they set up
NORAD, and the Strategic air Command (Motto: Peace is Our Profession).
There are have been number of 'incidents' over the North Pole in which
Fighters and Nuclear Missiles brought to DEFCON 3 because of Santa's
Flight Activities. For a long time, as much as the children of the World
did not know it, but he posed a serious defence threat to the North
American Continent during the '50s. That is why all American defence
assets turned towards to the North Pole.


So, Friend, at Christmas time, WATCH THE SKIES, WATCH THE SKIES!!


> OBX-mas for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

            T H E   N I G H T   B E F O R E   C H R I S T M A S
            ---------------------------------------------------

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
        Were empties and butts left around by some louse.
And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care,
        Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there.

My guests had long since been poured in their beds
        To wake in the morning with God - awful heads.
My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap
        And me - I was dying for one more nightcap.

When out from the lawn there came such a smell
        I sprang to my feet to see what the hell-
Away to the window I tore like a flash
        Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
        Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe.
And what to my wondering eyes should show up-
        But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck.

With a little old driver who looked like a hick
        I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick.
Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came
        And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name.

On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night
        You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White.
Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall,
        Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul.

So up the roof went reindeer and truck
        But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck
And then, in a twinkling I heard from above
         A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove.

And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear
        Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear.
He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants
        And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants.

His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
        And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy.
He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back
        And a breath that would blow a train off the track.

He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right
        But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
        And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk!

Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose--
        He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace
        He fell over his feet and slid on his face.

But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight --
Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight!


> OBX-mas for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

'Twas the night befo' Kwanzaa, and down in the 'hood
All the homeys was hopin' the crack would be good

The workshoes were hung where they'd never be used
Since the welfare system is so much abused

With Kwase Mfume and Schmoke at the Hall
Waiting around for Clinton to call

I in my workclothes sat back with a case
After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced

After the tenth, I was totally waxed
And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed

When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I slipped as I zipped with a half empty bladder

Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
A fat old black man - a gold ring in his ear

He said, "I'm Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead"
"So git yo' white ass on back into yo' bed!"

"For Farrakhan rules, and Bill is our man,"
"So out of yo' pockets, and into our hands!"

"Your money in taxes, empowerment grants,"
"Your lucky I don't take those baggy-assed pants!"

  PIPE SMOKING:  You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an
apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a
witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled
his head like a wreath."
  According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and
cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times
the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers
of the mouth and esophagus.
   Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it.
Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.

  STRESS:  Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could
certainly put one on the emotional hot seat.  And anxiety can surpass
even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems.
  On this point, though, we have some good news:  A medical news
service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" --
is one of the best stress-busters going.

  SOOT:  We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney,
an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches.  But creosote flakes on the
chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems.
  Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his
people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when
they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

  RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY):  Cards and letters by the bagful
arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've
noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least
four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle,
santa@cyberspace.com.
  We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this
caution:  too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the
hands, wrists and arms.

  DEER MITES:  Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer
means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a
veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood.  Watch out for itchy rashes, and
keep the deer out of your bed.

  FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA:  You usually bundle up, and that's good.  A
Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North
Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common.  Exposure to such
conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

  MALL THUGS:  You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you
already know things are getting a little tough out there.  Try not to
walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

  MEMORY TROUBLE:  It's been said that you make a list, then check it
twice.  Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?

  SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER):  This time of year, there is
virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can
trigger depression in some people.  Maybe a full-spectrum light would
help keep you jolly.

  VIRAL INFECTIONS:  A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath
the mistletoe last night.  You know this is colds and flu season, don't
you?

  SLEIGH ACCIDENTS:  We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that
sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get
hurt.  By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure
to cover the load.

  JET LAG:  Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that
travelers face when they cross through several times zones.  And few
travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.

  SKYJACKERS:  OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.

  Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more
fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good
boys and girls every Christmas.
  But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your
insurance company decides to boost your rates.  Which reminds us:  You
DO have insurance, don't you?

Sincerely,
Jack Brown
Seattle Times staff reporter



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