Text 3191, 145 rader
Skriven 2005-12-05 00:15:28 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Tight
=================
            -=> George Pope wrote to all <=-

 GP> A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the

Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this
Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me,you
won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list,
Santa:

1.    A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.    Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.    A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.  And what's with that earring
anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4.    Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5.    Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6.    A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.    A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.  How
about a systems analyst or Production Assistant?  Or better yet, an
advertising account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of
chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a
fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a
removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. LMAO

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie


> OBX-mas for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE

You will need the following:  A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the
electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add
one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the
mixer.  Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
dried fruit.  Mix on the tuner.  If the fired druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups
of salt.  Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whiskey.  Now sift the
lemon uice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar of
something.  Whatever you find.

Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to
beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.  Check the
whiskey again and go to bed.

the author is Chet Raymo


> OBX-mas for Mr. <+]::-) ("Cyberpope")

  From: Dave Andrew

<Dialling sounds>

Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You've reached Santa's Naughty Or Nice Hotline! If
you have a touch-tone phone, press "1" now. If not, please stay on the
line and an elf will be with you shortly.

<Pressing "1">

Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You have a touch-tone phone! If you are a boy,
press "1" now. If you're a girl, press "2" now. If you can't decide, press
"3" now.  If you are Michael Jackson or RuPaul, press "4" now.

<Pressing "1">

Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You are a boy! If you've been naughty, press "1"
now.  If you've been nice, press "2" now.

<Pressing "1", somewhat grudgingly>

Recording: Ho, ho, ho! You've been naughty! If your naughtiness has been
limited to dipping girls' pigtails in the inkwell, or stealing long,
lingering kisses under the mistletoe, press "1" now. If your naughtiness
involves one of the Seven Deadly Sins, press "2" now. If your naughtiness
involves one of the Ten Commandments, press "3" now. If your naughtiness
involves an offence punishable by imprisonment or castration, press-----

<Pressing "1" hastily>

Recording: Ho, ho, ho! Your naughtiness this year has been limited to
dipping girls' pigtails in the inkwell or stealing long, lingering kisses
under the mistletoe! Well, Santa's here to tell you that red-blooded boys
will be boys, and he'll consider you to have been nice this year! Ho, ho,
ho! Merry Christmas!! <click>



        -=-                          -=-
     (\  _  /)                    (\  _  /)
     ( \( )/ )     I C E-man      ( \( )/ )
     (       )    Wishes You      (       )
      `>   <'  Seasons Greetings   `>   <'
      /     \    09 December 05    /     \
      `-._.-'                      `-._.-'
 

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