Text 3514, 182 rader
Skriven 2006-02-16 08:09:42 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av ceri@twmba.net
Ärende: Re: 
===============
 Echo: FUNNY
 Date: 12-Feb-2006 15:06
 Read:" <g> "
 ceri@twmba.net Put A SMILE on All's  DIAL #[:-)] 

 ceri@twmba.net, Have you read these ones. . . .


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed
away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her
shipped home for $5,000; or you can bury her here, in
the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to
ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I
just can't take that chance

**************************************************

Q.  What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft
and her nails so long and beautiful?

A.  Nothing, nothing at all.


****************************************************

(Sent this one out but different, well a little.....)

Sadie is arrested for shop lifting.

During her trial, which her husband Sidney attends,
the judge asks her, "How old are you?"

"I'm 60, your Honor," replies Sadie.

"And what did you steal?" he asks.

Sadie replies, "A can of peaches, your Honor."

"Why did you steal this can?" asks the judge.

"Because I was hungry," replies Sadie.

The judge then asks, "And how many peaches were in the
can?"

"Five," replies Sadie.

The judge then says, "OK, I think five days in jail
would be appropriate."

But before the judge can pronounce sentence, Sidney
suddenly stands up and asks him, "Is it OK to give the
court some more information?"

The judge replies, "Yes, I suppose so, if you're
brief. What is it?"

Sidney replies, "She also stole a can of peas."

***************************************************

Moshe tells Abe one day, "I'm having an affair with a
married woman called Freda."
Abe replies, "Mazeltov. I've been in the same
situation myself so I'm in a good position to give you
a piece of valuable advice."
"So tell me this advice, already," says Moshe.
"Well," replies Abe, "You must keep your affair a
secret under pain of death. Only you, Freda and every
one of her best friends must know."

***************************************************
Abe says to Moshe, "Another strange thing about having
affairs with Jewish women is that within minutes of
you making love to them, they feel this compulsion to
phone their daughter."

****************************************************

Rabbi Rabinowitz is going on holiday to Israel.
He arrives at the Airport and goes to have his luggage
checked in.

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.

Rabbi Rabinowitz replies, "Listen, if it was without
my knowledge, how should I know?"

****************************************************

Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe. After two
months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in
Court.

The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"

"I'm 40 years old, your Honor."

The judge replied, "Please answer my question
honestly. How old are you?"

"I'm 40 years old, your Honor," answered Sadie again.

"Well," said the judge, "you're not being truthful.
It's written down here that you were born in August
1940 and that means you're over 60."

"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I'm not counting
the last 20 years with my husband."

"Why not?" asked the judge.

"You call that living?" replied Sadie.

**************************************************

Murray Bernstein from the Bronx wins $5 million in the
NY State lottery so he and his wife buy this million
dollar mansion out on Long Island replete with 2 live
in maids, a gardener, a chauffeur, and a British
butler and invite some friends over. One of the guests
asks the butler what his name is and the butler
replies (Queen's English): "Well madam calls me
shipwreck".

The guest runs over to Murray and asks what kind of a
name is shipwreck and Murray answers (thick Yiddish
accent): "Vats mit shipwreck ? He's de voist
butler in da voild. Ve call him SHTICK DRECK !"

**************************************************

Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a
check up.

After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one
side and said, "I have some very bad news for you.
There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind
has completely gone."

"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's
been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50
years."

**************************************************

Sarah Feinstein, as usual, is telling her husband Sam,
all the latest gossip she has heard in the
neighborhood.

Sam can take no more of this and says, "Enough
already, you are killing me with all this gossip.  I
can see now what will be on my tombstone -- 'Here lies
Sam Feinstein, yentaed to death'"




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