Text 3962, 552 rader
Skriven 2006-04-22 07:29:24 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: A story
===============
The LoserUsers
Written by: The Trash Compactor
Introduction:
Inevitably, I'll be asked this question, so let me address it now.
"Why did you write this file?".
The answer is simple. After being subjected to losers for 20 months
of BBSing, it sometimes becomes difficult to cope with them. Much the
same way you'd feel if you lived close to the gay populace of San
Francisco, seeing these people becomes a matter of fact. There's not
much you can do to prevent it... So what do you do about them? You use
them as a topic for generating humor, although of course they themselves
generate quite a lot of humor without any prompting whatsoever.
This file is dedicated to the sysop who has suffered many months of
facing the reality of the cranial capacity of the average "Joe Public"
out there, and is close to packing the whole thing in out of utter
frustration.
I want to stress that this is in essence a "war" between LoserUsers
and sysops, and the sysops must not give in! It _is_ possible to defeat
the LoserUser, and this file will hopefully help some poor soul out
there who's suffering from the LoserUser Blues... I may not be much of
a psychiatrist, but I know what I've gone through and what has given me
the strength to continue. Thus, what follows is a comprehensive
"LoserUser Manual" if you will, touching on just about all the topics
concerned with those mindless fools who log onto your system day and
night. Sit back and relax folks, cause this could take awhile...!
Heartfelt thanks go to:
- The LoserUser who designed the credits at the top of this file.
- LJS for inspiring me to write this.
- Inspector Gadget without whom I'd have been unable to write this
from an experienced point of view.
- To the pre-pubescent Rodent who has supplied me with much humorous
aspects on the average 15 yr old (actually, he's a decent guy and
undeserving of the critique, but how can I resist?)
- Several sysops around town who have shared experiences with me
leading to a few examples of losers in this file.
- All the LoserUsers of T.O., without which this file could never
exist.
* Disclaimer *
This file contains no proper names, in order to protect their
identity. Any names which in some way, shape or form, resemble
real-life people is purely co-incidental. If this file is offensive to
some, please be reminded that it is intended as a source of humor only,
and no intention of direct criticism is intended. The author can in no
way, shape or form, be held responsible for damages incurred, directly
or indirectly, as a result of this file, whether they be physical,
psychological or otherwise. Parental discretion is advised as the
material that follows may be offensive to some.
Part 1: The Types of LoserUsers.
In the BBS community, you can usually fit losers into one of the
below categories... More likely than not, the loser will fit into
_several_ different categories simultaneously. A brief description of
the categories follow:
1) The BBS loser.
This guy is your typical brainless loser. Most losers fall into
this very general category.
2) The "Leech".
This is the guy who is obsessed with the acquisition of "wares".
He will do anything in his power to increase his library. That
usually includes sucking download areas dry, hence giving the term
"leech".
3) 64-Syndrome.
This is a general disease suffered by some people in the community.
While based around the Commodore 64, the disease also affects
various other users, including Atari and Radio-Shack users. These
people seem to have been somehow adversely affected by the nature of
their computer (although that doesn't necessarily mean that they
would not have shown "loser" symptoms had they bought an Apple or
IBM). More often than not, this disease is just a more precise
manifestation of the first in the list, with the difference that
they cannot comprehend some very simple and standard BBSing
concepts.
4) The "hacker".
This is an unfortunate category, which really does the term "hacker"
no justice, yet is the only appropriately technical term which I can
think of. These people like to think of themselves as hackers, but
a much better term is "pest". They incessantly try to crash
BBS'es.
5) The non-decrepit user.
These people aren't full-blooded losers, but generally, these are
the people who log onto BBS'es and never post a single message; if
it weren't for the userlog, one would find it hard to believe just
how often they call and tie up the system.
6) The Non-sysop.
This is perhaps the most serious of the types of losers. These
people, for one reason or another, decided that they wanted to
become a "sysop" (I use that term loosely!). Not even the
psychiatrists can figure these people out, but I will take my shot
at it.
All these types of users plague BBSes in their own way; some groups
are more prevalent than others in various situations. It is very
important that you note the various percentages of types of losers who
frequent your individual system; based upon these facts, only THEN can
you form a battle-plan.
Part 2: The Traits of a Loser.
We will take the groupings one by one, and discuss the signals
prevalent within each category. There are many things that will give a
loser away, and its virtually impossible to cover them all, however I
will try...
Type A. The BBS Loser
The most important part of the general BBS loser is that he(she?!)
has absolutely no brain whatsoever. This lack of grey matter expresses
itself in many ways, and thus there are perhaps more examples of
something that indicates a LoserUser in this category than any other.
Unfortunately, the lack of a brain precludes these social outcasts from
being able to understand (much less perform) many of the basics of
BBSing.
Firstly, these people cannot understand instructions. Now, perhaps
you cannot quite grasp the severity of what this means! Think of all
the places in a BBS where people are asked to follow rules, both
explicitly and implicitly.
a) Logging on for the first time, it is the norm for users to be
subjected to some sort of a message which they cannot interrupt,
outlining the "rules" of the BBS. Apparently, LoserUsers never read
this message, and use their ignorance as a crutch when a sysop gets
pissed off at their failure to comply with the regulations of the
system.
Sysop: What the hell is wrong with you, you moron? Didn't you read
the RULES?! It says "No Aliases". Can you understand that, or are
you saying that your name is REALLY "Psycho Clam"?
Loser: Hello?
Sysop: YES!! Can you read?
Loser: Ya
Sysop: What did the rules say about aliases?
Loser: I dunno
Sysop: Why not?
Loser: I didnt see nothin on aliases
Sysop: It says "NO ALIASES". Wouldn't you say that that means that
you can't read?
Loser: Well I didnt see it ok
Sysop: Obviously. If you must, call back and log on again. This
time try to read the rules.
* Connection terminated *
b) Losers seem to have EXTREME difficulty entering their phone numbers.
How this is so difficult has always and continues to baffle me.
Remember, don't let it bother you. Its all a part of the LoserUser
scheme to drive us into the asylum THEY used to be in. Here's a classic
example:
BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
Loser: (hits return)
BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
Loser: (hits return)
BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
Loser: 000-0000
BBS: Incorrect format
Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
=--> Sysop interrupts...
Sysop: What's your problem? Do you know what a phone number is?
Loser: Ya
Sysop: Do you know what your phone number is?
Loser: 545-6754
Sysop: Ok, so enter it. And remember to enter your area code.
BBS: =--> Chat ended
Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
Loser: 545-6754
BBS: Incorrect format
Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
=--> Sysop interrupts...
Sysop: Holy shit! Do you know what an "area code" is?
Loser: Ya
Sysop: So put in your area code! Now what's your phone number?
Loser: 545-6754
Sysop: With your AREA CODE!
Loser: 416-545-6754
BBS: =--> Chat ended
Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
Loser: 545-6754
* Connection terminated *
c) Perhaps one of the most common displays of the inability to read
comes in the posting of messages. How many times have you seen people
try to end a message with "done", "/e", "/ex", "/es", ".s" when it
clearly says that you should use "/s" to "send" the message? Even worse
is the guy who after trying 2 or 3 of the above, just starts hitting
<Return> until the message is full. These messages are hard to read as
the text scrolls off the screen before you have a chance to read it all.
But then again, being written by a loser, it's probably to your benefit
that you couldn't read it.
Then, of course, so often messages posted in a conference deal with
some topic which plainly should be posted in some other conference.
Again, these losers just don't seem to understand that the title of the
conferences should somehow give them an idea of where to post something.
Then, there's the loser who posts the same message on 3 different
conferences, just to make sure all the losers read it (losers often
aren't even aware that the other conferences exist, let alone what
they're for).
d) Now, invariably, sysops find themselves chatting with losers. This
is perhaps the single most difficult and taxing chore of running a BBS.
A solid loser can drive you to drink at the best of times, and force you
into a state of temporary insanity at worst (to date, thank God, we
still don't know of any sysops who committed suicide following a chat
with a loser). Firstly, losers must be taught that it is "chat"
protocol to leave a blank line between what they say, to indicate that
they are finished saying whatever and are now waiting for a reply.
Chatting with a loser is so boring and frustrating because of the speed
he's typing at, without making the sysop decide whether or not the gumby
has finished typing. Next, understanding a loser is sometimes a
difficult chore. The loser seems to have his own vocabulary.
Essentially, they use many words which are obvious misspellings of
regularly used words. The only theory I've been able to come up with
that accounts for this bizarre behavior is that they do this to cover up
the fact that they make spelling mistakes every 5 or 6 words, so this
way you're never sure if he misspelled it, or whether its just another
part of his regular "vocabulary". Remember that losers (based on the
number of times they select the main menu as their command) have a hard
time remembering the 20 or so options available to them on the BBS, let
alone the English language. Chatting with one of these people is
similar to talking with a caveman (or Arnold
Schwartzenegger; only difference is that Arnie's smart... He carries a
gun with him so no-one bothers him, and he never logs onto a BBS). What
is really disturbing are situations where you heap sarcasm and criticism
on a loser, and he doesn't even realize it! An example:
Sysop: Good day. What did you want to ask me?
Loser: Wow, are u the sysop?
Sysop: No, I'm the zit on your face.
Loser: Iv never talk to sysop be4. This is awesum!
Sysop: Whatever. What do you want?
Loser: How do i get more acces to the BBS?
Sysop: If you contribute, call regularly, and prove yourself worthy
of a higher access level, you'll get it.
Loser: So what button do i push?
Sysop: What?!
Loser: How do i get acces?
Sysop: You don't.
Loser: Howcum?
Sysop: Cause I said so.
Loser: Ok. But like can i get more time on the BBS?
Sysop: No.
Loser: Oh. U r a k00l d00d thow cant i get to do more stuff?
Sysop: No. Listen I have to split. Talk to you later.
Type B: The Leech
This is the newest victim of a highly contagious virus that is
spreading throughout the land of micro-computing; I refer to it as "NWS"
or "New-Wares Syndrome". You might wonder why I use the term "victim";
I must stress that it is a VIRUS. Many losers catch it, it might be the
AIDS of computing. Again, you must be a loser in order to catch it, and
once you've got it, it sort of dwells on you for awhile before
eventually leveling off at a certain plateau and finally receding. This
NWS cycle may last anywhere from one to six years, depending on the
individual.
Simply put, the virus affects the central nervous system of the brain,
which results in some form of insanity when the person is faced with the
possibility of obtaining new software for his computer. In the very
early manifestation, the bulk of interest lies in games; later more
advanced strains of the virus cause the person to place more interest in
utility programs, some business application software, and other
miscellaneous material. Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching cases
is the person, who in his crusade for new wares, decides to put up an AE
or CatFur line in the hopes that it will bring new wares to him (these
people have many things to learn about users and their willingness to
upload!). NWS feeds on the ego/power trip of the individual who things
he's a big "stud" whom everyone (other LoserUsers) admires and looks up
to. They will do almost ANYTHING to obtain that new ware. This
includes sending literally tons of e-mail asking various other
LoserUsers if they want to trade, and giving them their latest list of
"tradeable" commodities. Funny thing is that very little ever comes of
these messages, because the person who receives it merely sends back a
list of his latest wares. More often than not, because they are on an
ego-trip, they disdain trading with someone they don't know, because
they firmly believe that they have more wares than the other person,
and thus don't want to "give up" any of their "super-wares" to get
something else. The net effect is that it wastes a whole pile of disk
space and nothing else. Usually a post on the "wares" conference is as
much a statement of position as it is a request for new wares.
Of course, this person displays symptoms of NWS in other places
besides just BBS systems. Generally they are high school students
(12-19 yrs old), and as such, the school they attend is the major
source of their wares. They have no scruples, and will engage in
radical tactics, such as stealing disks belonging to a rival
ware-monger. The school is their showcase for new wares; they derive
ultimate satisfaction from being the first person in the school to boot
up a new ware; they claim (naturally) that the game (it's usually a
game) is "totally, super-awesome, absolutely incredible, F***ing
amazing", etc. Rivals of course try to play down the significance of
the ware, and just boot up their latest ware on the nearest possible
computer and try to drag away some of the other guys audience. Contacts
are meticulously made and kept; NWS sufferers seem to sacrifice their
ego-trip for a select number of people, referred to as "contacts", who
get them the majority of their new wares.
An advanced "leech" will, if he has enough status, become a member
(or, heaven forbid, even START) a user group. (Some people refer to
them more accurately as "LoserGroups".) This group is usually truncated
to a three-letter acronym for an equally useless long version of the
name. These groups represents the ultimate plateau in the complete
ware-monger. There is only one thing better than knowing "the coolest,
most awesome dood from the states", and that is being part of "the
coolest, most awesome usergroup" in town. The only good thing about the
members who actively participate in these groups and widely publicize
their participation (by signing all their messages, even e-mail, with
the insignia of their awesome group; especially on software they have
acquired, in an attempt to make people believe they "cracked" it, and
also on any wares uploaded to AE/CatFur lines).
Now, eventually, the people who suffer from NWS and have some amount
of cranial capacity begin to transform. The first sign is the
down-play of the significance of games. Instead, they turn to the art
of placing their aliases on the various software packages that they own.
After they have mastered this, and placed their name on a sufficiently
great number of software packages, a very few people progress to the
next stage of computer literacy. Some (gag) will actually begin to
program (in BASIC of course). A fewer number still will become
"crackers" and a very minuscule number will become machine language
programmers, leaving only bad memories of the "ware-monger days".
An unfortunate part of the NWS virus is that in some cases it directly
leads to the sufferer becoming a "sysop". Of course telecommunications
is an excellent method of acquiring new wares. Because of this, some
develop the idea that if they set up a BBS or AE/CatFur line, that new
wares will come to their front door. These systems are indeed to be
avoided. Fortunately, this stage eventually wears off, and the system
goes down, allowing intelligent people to heave sighs of relief.
Type C: 64-Syndrome
These are the users who have been misled by some salesman that they
do indeed own a computer. They can be some of the worst losers you will
encounter on a BBS because they are ignorant even though they don't
think they are.
Most C-64 users stick to C-64 BBS systems (thankfully), but those who
venture from their own territory have a habit of terrorizing other
systems... Now, before I get myself into really hot water, let me tell
you that there are exceptions... Not ALL C-64 users are "losers" (Come
on... Amongst those thousands of people, SURELY there must be at least
one?!). There are a number of C-64 users who are ignorant, and freely
admit it. Others just sit back and "observe" rather than participate
(thus becoming another type of loser, the "nondescript user"), in some
cases fortunately for the rest of us. Some are just out exploring and
are
in some awestruck state of mind that is consistent with a 10 year old
getting an autograph from Mr. T. But it is the others that we must
be concerned about; the C-64 owner who has been brainwashed to such a
degree that one would think he's a KGB implant. These people seriously
believe not only that they own a computer, but are proud of it and even
worse are completely convinced that their computer is "the best".
Firstly, there's been a rumor circulating that 95% of C-64 losers
were previous residents of mental institutes. There is no truth to
this. It is the direct fault of their upbringing, and thus the blame
should lie completely with the parents (after all, if it weren't for
them, we wouldn't have to put up with the slime...). It is a simple
fact that most C-64's are bought by misinformed parents of 12 year
olds, the victims of equally ignorant salesmen. The child, subjected
to this machine in early stages of development seems to be vulnerable
to some form of brain damage, especially in cases where the child was
forced to justify and defend his machine against others.
As these people mature, they seem intent on sticking to their opinion
others still; new breeds of the loser-sysop are being discovered almost
every day.
Part 3: How to deal with LoserUsers
Each type of loser must be dealt with differently. Of course, in
some cases you must take into account the personality of the individual
in coming up with a suitable course of action. Telling a loser "F***
off, asshole" isn't necessarily ALWAYS the best way; in fact, the key is
not to show frustration. In some cases, that show of frustration is
exactly what they were after. (These are the people for whom the term
"asshole" is most appropriate, but life is tough sometimes, and this is
precisely the person you shouldn't call an asshole... Just make him
feel like an asshole.) Dealing with a loser can be hilarious, it can be
frustrating, or it can be tragic; it all depends on how you approach
things. So, hopefully what follows will give you a few pointers on how
to deal (and cope) with the various types of losers.
Type A. The BBS Loser
- Realize that the guy has no brain capacity whatsoever and lead him
into a contradiction of what he himself has said. Then conclude that
he is a loser and log him off. If he has an explanation, he'll be
back, and he's NOT a loser, he'll be understanding. If the guy then
begins to bother you more consistently, delete him and announce your
case to some other sysops. After that, the only satisfaction (and
laughs) you'll get out of the guy is to relate your tales of his
actions to other sysops. More than likely, you'll find that you're
not the only one who has been plagued by the slime.
- Unless you're sure that someone is "pretending" to not understand
something, be patient after awhile... After all, there are more and
more people out there buying modems every day. If the guy doesn't
understand something that's obvious, tell him once... If you have to
tell him twice, tell him "Think of this as a learning experience.
This is how you use the BBS..." and then promptly hang up on the guy.
If you notice that this causes people to call back, you'll find that
leaving the phone off-hook for 10-15 mins afterwards usually ensures
that the next call won't be the same useless fool.
- If a guy can't read and is obviously of the age 12 or thereabouts,
the best thing to do is ignore the guy. If he posts a gay message,
delete it. If you heap sarcasm on him, he won't understand (he may
actually think you are complimenting him, and then think that you are
a "cool dood"). If you just call him names, he'll probably just
start bothering you more. There is absolutely no satisfaction in
criticizing someone who can't understand the critique, so leave him
be; eventually he'll crawl back into the hole he crawled out of...
For a particular nauseating person, arrange "problems" with his
password from time to time.
- If some gumby uses a gay phone-number when he logs on, just log him
off. This includes the homosexuals who use numbers like 967-1111.
- Above all, if you have the chance, modify your BBS program so that
every user has a "loser" flag in his record, and further modify your
program so that it will always tell a loser that the sysop is not
available. NEVER print a message at log-on announcing that the sysop
is available for these people. Avoid flipping your lid after the
shithead has tried to "C)hat" 10 times in a row, being told each time
that the sysop is not available... Flipping your lid usually causes
you to break into chat, which is what he wants and what you're trying
to avoid. If you're finding it hard to contain yourself, leave the
computer for 10-15 mins and do something else, like watching TV or
some other similarly useless activity.
Type B: The Leech
- The worst problem with these losers pops up if you run an AE/CatFur.
The guy will call every hour or two to see if there's something new
on the wares-line. The best way to combat this type of person is to
limit the number of times (say per week) that a user may go to the AE
line, or even better, impose a weekly time-limit.
- The only other problem you're likely to have is their constant
posting of "wares" messages, and the incredible amount of e-mail they
send to fellow ware-mongers. The best thing to do is delete the
messages. 9 times out of 10 the guy won't even notice that his
messages are missing and he never gets any replies from his e-mail
(he probably wouldn't anyway).
Type C: 64-Syndrome
- The easiest way of staying clear of this type of loser is to
prejudice yourself against all users of several computer types.
However, there ARE people (even C-64 owners) who are intelligent and
worthy of your respect.
- The recommended way of dealing with these losers is a technique
called, "identify and crucify". If a C-64 user hasn't started a
"war", posted a number of useless messages, etc, then leave him be.
As soon as he does so, you have an excuse to arrange an accident in
the area of the disk that holds his password.
Type D: The "hacker"
- These are the guys you just laugh at.... For guys who like logging
on under a sysop's name, breaking into chat and saying, "Hi loser.
How's it going?" can be useful... Or perhaps "Have fun, loser"...
Usually they hang up. If not, it's probably a friend trying to be
funny.
- If a guy is stupid enough to try hacking while in the BBS, and under
his own identity, well, he should receive your full scorn. Sarcasm
and laughter are your best weapons. Remember that a hacker is trying
to be a "cool dude", and laughing at him is a widely-accepted signal
that you are a failure... And if there's anything the hacker can't
stand, it's being a failure (probably because he has been a failure
throughout his life).
- What's particularly infuriating to the hacker are situations where
he's been kicked off a BBS, and calls back under another name and is
almost instantly chatted by the sysop saying... "So you're back
again so soon eh? Treat some other system to your presence you
awesome dood..." and then remove him from the system...
- Perhaps the best weapon against these neanderthals is to pass along
word of their activities to other sysops and users alike. It makes
for a humorous conversation piece, and destroys any credibility the
guy might have had left.
Type E: The Non-descript user
- Here, it is best to be tolerant. Eventually, these people get bored
and are never heard from again. After all, they never DO anything on
the BBS except for look at the main menu, and maybe a quick-scan...
In most cases, they'll call about 20 times and then fade off into the
sunset.
- Another method which has been tried here and there is to include a
"posting regulation" in the rules of the BBS (ie: post 1
message/month or lose your password). Historically, this method
doesn't do what it's intended to do, which is to scare people into
posting messages. If it worked, in fact, the system could very well
be inundated with useless messages from these people; if the person
has nothing to say, but posts a message because he's essentially
FORCED to do so, what are the chances it's going to be an intelligent
message? Not very high... However, you can use such a rule to
justify the deletion of people. In most cases the people will call,
discover that their password doesn't work, and will never call again.
Type F: The Non-Sysop
- These losers are quite frequently also "hackers" and if this is found
to be the case, you should treat him as such. In addition,
criticizing his BBS can also be useful.
- Usually, the problem with these people is that they are forever
posting stupid messages on every "BBS News" conference in town to
call their "amazing" BBS, etc... The best thing to do is to delete
these messages whenever encountered. Most importantly, it is your
responsibility as a sysop to be sure that these slime do not get
access to special "sysop" conferences, where it's not unusual to find
anecdotes of the losers stupidity.
Summary:
It is impossible to properly cover all aspects of the LoserUser;
there are so many different manifestations, you might as well make it
your sole aim to become the chief executive officer of Apple. However,
there are a few points which are helpful to remember when publicizing
your BBS. Remember that losers don't just appear; they are (as gross as
this sounds) actually _attracted_ to your system.
a) Publicize your system only on mature systems. If you leave messages
about your BBS on boards who are best known for their "war board",
you can only expect to gain losers as a result.
b) Do not have your number displayed in "prominent" magazines such as
Computing Now and Toronto Computes. Mention here usually brings you
as many "losers" as intelligent users, and more likely than not, the
majority are losers.
c) Remember that the best publicity for a BBS is word-of-mouth. If
your system is good, people will find out about it.
d) It is a good idea to NOT allow new users to simply log on. Some
techniques include making them answer a questionnaire, making them
mail in requests for a password, or just allowing them to leave
their name and number and perhaps a piece of feedback explaining who
they are, etc. Allowing people to log on as new and instantly have
access to several features is just begging for losers to log on.
Well folks, that's about it. I've said my peace, but I don't rule
out "sequels" to this file. I leave you with a parting shot... It is
nearing Christmas, a time at which students everywhere are fairly
bored...
On the 25th, a pile of people will be getting modems... That means
more users (and losers) for our BBSes. Also, it invariably means some
new BBS systems will go up on Dec 26th... You know, all those "Freds"
whose mommies bought 45Mb hard drives... so be on the lookout for them.
. . . . o o o o o
_____ 0
____==== ]OO|_n_n__][.
[________]_|__|________)< Cheers,
oo oo 'oo OOOO-| oo\_ I C E-man
+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+
... Cool! I figured out the Sysop's passwor$>@7& NO CARRIER
--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
* Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)
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