Text 4106, 439 rader
Skriven 2006-05-05 07:40:16 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Bush Sunday Address
===============================
  -=> 02-May-2006 22:14, George Pope wrote in a message to all <=-

 GP> From:    Misnomeration <misnomeration@YAHOO.COM>
   > Subject: Bush Sunday Address on Iraq (off. to Presidential addresses,
   > as always

   Good to hear the F unny echo is UP-WITH the yanky news.............


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

In days long gone
When men were strong
And things weren't yet vehicular
  They'd line girls up
  Against the wall
And screw them perpendicular!

A rare old bird is the Pelican
For his mouth can hold more than his belly-can
  He'll fill up his beak
  With enough food for a week
And I'll be damned if I know how-the-hell-he-can!

There once was a Pirate named Bates
Who did the Fandango on skates
  He fell on his Cutlass
  Which rendered him nutless
And totally useless on dates.

There once was a woman from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
  Who told her man Fred
  Get up off the bed
I think I just found one more way!

There once was a man from Orleans
Who invented a F***ing machine
  Concave or convex
  It would F*** either sex
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at Keno
  She laid on her back
  and opened her crack
And now she owns the Casino!

There once was a drunk named McDuff
Who went out to get some strange stuff
  He woke up at noon
  With a F***ed-out baboon
Who kissed him and asked, "Strange enough?"

A dairyman's son they called Brock
Hooked a milking machine to his cock
  It sucked out his bladder
  And what's even sadder
His eyeballs wound up in his jock.

A central vac owner named Streeter
Inserted the head of his peter
  They found both his balls
  In the living room walls
And his dick in a pipe by the heater.

A newlywed couple named Mattick
Heard trampolines are quite ecstatic
  They yelled, "What a feeling!"
  Then crashed through the ceiling
Where he polished her off in the attic.

There once was an old lady from Heath,
Who sat on her husbands' false teeth
  OH LORD! Bless his heart
  She said with a start
He has bitten the part that he eateth!

There once was a girl from Decator
Who wanted to screw an alligator
  But no one knew
  The end of the screw
Because after he F***ed her he ate her.

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a green Austin
  He had room for his ass
  And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost them.

When I was young and had no sense
I pissed upon an electric fence
  It shocked my dick
  It shocked my balls
And made me shit my cover-alls!

There once was a man from Peru
Who took a ride in a canoe
  While dreaming of Venus
  He played with his penis
And woke with a hand full of goo!

There was an old man who said "Tush!"
My balls always hang in the brush
  And I fumble about
  Half in and half out
With a pecker as limber as mush."

In days of old when Knights were bold
And toilets weren't invented
  They'd leave their load
  Beside the road
And walk away contented

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly
  Because in their haste
  They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

She frowned and called him Mister
Because in sport he kissed her
  And so in spite
  That very night
This Mister kissed her sister.

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
  Has your east tit the least bit
  The best of the west tit?
Or is it just a trick of perspective?"

There once was a man from Nantuckett
Who got his foot stuck in a bucket
  Though he tried and tried
  He could not come unpried
So finally, he up and said "F*** IT."

There was a young woman of Glascow
Whose party proved quite a fiasco
  At nine-thirty, about
  The lights all went out
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.

A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia
  An enormous baboon
  Broke in his saloon
But he murmured, "I'm damned if I'll shavia."

There once was a guy named Dave
And to all the girls he did wave
While pleading for pleasure
His dick did they measure
and the finger was all that they gave.

There once was a hermit named Abe
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
  You must admit
  It smelled like shit
But look at the money he saved!

A bobby from Southworth Junction
His organ had long ceased to function
  He deceived his dear wife
  For the rest of her life
with the aid of his constable's truncheon.

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
  So she laid on her back
  And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

There was a young woman named Alice
Who tried dynamite as a phallus
  They found her vagina
  In North Carolina
And parts of her asshole in Dallas

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who had a dick so long he could suck it
  He said with a grin
  While wiping his chin
If my ear was a pussy I'd F*** it.

There once was a man named McNair
Who laid his wife on the stair
  The bannister broke
  So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a lady from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were brought by God
  But it wasn't the almighty
  That lifted her nighty
It was Rodger the Codger by god.


> OBQ & A: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

Q. What do you call a china woman with one leg?
A. Irene.

Q. What was Karen Carpenter's favorite low-calorie dessert?
A. A tray of ice cubes.

Q. What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
A. About 8 or 9 drinks.

Q. What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
A. Bozo the Clone.

Q. Why can't bikes stand up by themselves?
A. Because they're too tired.

Q. What do you get if you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
A. Just the pit bull.

Q. How do white supremacists tie their shoes?
A. In little Nazis.

Q. What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer run over lying
   dead in the middle of the road?
A. The tire skid marks before the rooster.

Q. Why are Delorean autos being banned in the United States?
A. They keep trying to suck the white line up off the roads!

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant, a hippo, and a rhino?
A. The Heliphino (the hell if I know).

Q. How do you keep a Pollock busy for hours?
A. Give him a card with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.

Q. What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A. A Chunk.

Q. Why don't Mexicans have barbecues?
A. Because the beans always fall through the grill.

Q. Why did the pollock proctologist use two fingers ?
A. In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

Q. Where does a polish car pool meet?
A. At work!

Q. How did Helen Keller break her arm?
A. She was driving and tried to read a stop sign.

Q. How do Helen Kellers parents punish her?
A1: They re-arrange the furniture
A2: Put doorknobs on the walls
A3: Stick a plunger in then toilet
A4: Step on her braille books with steel-spiked cleats.

Q. How many Pollocks does it take to eat an armadillo?
A. Three, one to eat it and two to watch for cars.

Q. What do you have when a Czech woman gets an abortion?
A. A cancelled czech!

Q. Why was the pollock so excited?
A. He found out he could use Right Guard under his left arm!

Q. Why did the pollock get fired from his elevator operator job?
A. He forgot the route!

Q. How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?
A. Wave.

Q. What are the Pollocks latest inventions?
A. A helicopter with an ejection seat, and a solar powered flashlight.

Q. Why did the moron wear rubbers on his ears?
He was afraid of hearing-aids.

Q. How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree?
A. Wave to him.

Q. Did you hear about the Pollock who won a gold metal in the Olympics?
A. He took it home and got in bronzed.

Q. Did you hear about the Polish terrorist sent to blow up a car?
A. He burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

Q. Do you know what the definition of "gross" is?
A. An old prostitute slowly sinking down a bar-stool.

Q. What's black and yellow and full of little Crispy Critters?
A. A burnt school bus.

Q. What is the only part of a vegetable that you cannot eat?
A. The wheelchair!

Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal
   thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. What do you call Oprah Winfree with a yeast infection?
A. A whopper with cheese!

Q. What is black and white, and red all over?
A. Two nuns in a chainsaw fight!

Q. Why does a dog lift his leg to piss?
A. To throw his ass outa' gear so he don't shit!

Q. Why did they take sprite on the space shuttle?
A. They couldn't get seven up!

Q. What was the last thing the shuttle commander said?
A. Give me a light........NO!  A BUD LI........!

Q. What did Spock and the Doctor find in Kirk's toilet?
A. The Captain's log.

Q. What's the black stuff between an elephants toes?
A. Slow natives!

Q. Why is the starship Enterprise like toilet paper?
A. They both circle Uranus and pick off Klingons.

Q. Why did Captain Kirk try to piss on the ceiling?
A. He wanted to boldly go where no man has gone before...

Q. Did you hear about the Pollock that thought his wife was trying to
   kill him?
A. He found polish remover in the medicine cabinet.

Q. What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect woman?"
A. A deaf, dumb, blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.

Q. What's Webster's new definition of the "perfect man?"
A. A guy with a 10 inch tongue that can breath through his ears.

Q. What's six feet tall and eats ants?
A. UNCLES

Q. What's worse than a pitbull with AIDS?
A. The guy who gave it to him.

Q. What's the difference between a Sorority girl and a bowling ball.
A. You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. Who's the most popular guy a nudist camp?
A. The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.

Q. Who's the most popular girl at a nudist camp?
A. The one who can eat the sixth donut.

Q. How do you screw a fat girl?
A1: Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot!
A2: Or tell her to piss and follow it upstream!

Q. What's the difference between a sigma alpha mu co-ed and a toilet
   bowl?
A. Toilet bowls don't follow you around after you use them.

Q. Did you hear about the old man who streaked the flower show?
A. He won first prize for the best dried arrangement.

Q. What do you call a woman who uses to much contraceptive cream?
A. A Spermicidal maniac.

Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Put sand in the Vaseline.

Q. What do you give an eighty year old woman for her birthday?
A. Mikey.  He'll eat anything.

Q. What does an elephant use for a vibrator
A. An epileptic pygmy!

Q. Did you know their is a serial number on a condom?
A. I guess you've never rolled it down that far.

Q. How do you know when you get really good head?
A. When you have to pry the bed sheets out of your ass.

Q. Why was Rock Hudson buried with his ass out of the ground?
A. So his friends could stop by for a cold one!

Q. What is there in common between Hellen Keller giving you a blow-job
   and Hellen Keller being in the Mob?
A. One slip of the tongue, and she's in deep shit.

Q. What do fags call hemorrhoids?
A. Speed Bumps!

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float!

Q. Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
A. He was pissed off!

Q. What's the problem with oral sex?
A. The view.

Q. Did you know AIDS is a form of food-poisoning?
A. You get it from eating rotten hotdogs.

Q. What did the polish woman do after sucking cock?
A. Pulled all the feathers out of her mouth!

Q. Why was Eve (as in Adam and Eve) considered to be the first
   computer programmer?
A. She was holding an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A. A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q. What is the advantage of being a test tube baby?
A. You get a womb with a view!

Q. Why did the condom fly across the room?
A. It was pissed-off!

Q. What do you get when you cross a fag with a patriot?
A. A man with one hand on his heart and another up his butt.

Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot and a lion?
A. Something that says "Polly want a cracker .  .  .  NOW MOTHER
   FUCKER!"




         ._ _.
 Cheers /(. .)\    )
  from    (*)____/Ý
  I       /       Ý
  C      /   Ý--\ Ý
  E-man (_)(_)  (_)  AWGTHTGTTSA

... ÜßÜßÜÜßÜßÜÜßÜßÜ ‹ DRi¥K tì màkˆ éÂhÉ© pˆ•plä ¡Nt‰R‰StiïG. ßÜßÜßßÜßÜßßÜßÜ

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
 * Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)