Text 4547, 387 rader
Skriven 2006-07-04 05:34:01 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Happy July 4th
======================
Independence Day! (wish MY country was independent!)

(yeah, I know, so do you! (wish YOURS was)

A large variety for you. . .
from Sydes' Jokes, IIRC

Joke # 1

First US Flag

http://www.sydes.net/jokes/pics/first_us_flag.jpg

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Joke # 2

Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree
with his hatchet?"

Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with
the chain saw!"

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Joke # 3

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written
         in Philadelphia. True or false?"

Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

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Joke # 4

Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the
         Declaration of Independence?"

Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

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Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A: The Americans licked the British!

Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston
   to Lexington?
A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q: Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A: To get to the other tide!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
A: Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q: What was General Washington's favourite tree?
A: The infantry!

Q: What dance was very popular in 1776?
A: Indepen-dance!

Q: Which one of Washington's officers had the best
   sense of humour?
A: Laughayette!

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Joke # 5

Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence
         signed?"

Student: "On the bottom!"

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Joke # 6

Independence Day

The Americans celebrated their Independence Day. A
world-famous artist had been commissioned to paint a
fresco that would depict the glorious 200-year history
of the USA. When the cloth was pulled off the 100 ft
by 10 ft artwork an evil silence fell to the crowd.
The fresco depicted a prairy, in the middle of which
steamed a huge pile of dung. The scene was otherwise
filled with romping indians.

In the name of US democracy the artist was allowed
three minutes to explain himself.

"Surely you all remember General Custer's last words",
the artist began: "Holy shit! F#¤king indians all
over!"

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Joke # 7

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with
great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable
undertaking, and many of your statements do merit
serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration
as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications
for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the
document to you for further refinement. The questions
which follow might assist you in your process of
revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the
Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these
laws? In what way are they the criteria on which
you base your central arguments? Please document
with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions
of mankind." Whose polling data are you using?
Without specific evidence, it seems to us the
"opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident."
Could you please elaborate. If they are as
evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate
supporting statis tics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"
seem to be the goals of your proposal. These
are not measurable goals. If you were to say
that "among these is the ability to sustain
an average life expectancy in six of the 13
colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable
newspapers in the colonies to print news
without outside interference, and to raise
the average income of the colonists by 10
percent in the next 10 years," these could
be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Govern-
ment age? becomes destructive of these ends,
it is the Right of the People to alter or to
abolish it, and to institute a new Government"
Have you weighed this assertion against all
the alternatives? What are the trade-off
considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation
is quite extensive. Such a long list of
grievances should precede the statement of
goals, not follow it. Your problem statement
needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not
developed at all. You state that the colonies
"ought to be Free and Independent States,"
and that they are "Absolved from All Alleg-
iance to the British Crown." Who or what must
change to achieve this objective? In what way
must they change? What specific steps will you
take to overcome the resistance? How long will
it take? We have found that a little foresight
in these areas helps to prevent careless errors
later on. How cost-effective are your strat-
egies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be
responsible for implementing your strategy?
Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical
research? Who will constitute the advisory
committee? Please submit an organization chart
and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an reviewuation design. We
have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s
War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your
failure to include any assessment of this
inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity
chart, itemized budget, and manpower utiliza-
tion matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising
your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the
submission of your revised proposal. Our due date
for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten
copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

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Joke # 8

Notice of Revocation of Independence

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories including New Jersey. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Depend-
ency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium".
Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and ineffic-
ient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English
and Australian accents. It really isn't that
hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to
cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after
fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way
through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football. What you
refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that
there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no on else plays "American" foot-
ball. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if they give you any
merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new national holiday,
but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap and it is for your own good. When
we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us crazy.

11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney
pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive
with customers and not to tell you their names
before you eat.

13. All members of this British Crown Dependency
will be required to take six weeks annual
vacation and observe statutory tea breaks.

14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall
all cars to effect the change immediately.

15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg -
for your new passport and job allocation.

16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews
Bedchamber.

17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the
Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas
speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball
and instead call it the National Series of USA,
Cuba and Japan.

19. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save
The Queen"

20. All national law-enforcement will de-arm and
surrender all weapons to the Queens Colony
Constabulary and assume operating control under
the direction of the Lord High Constable of The
American Colonies and its Territories.

21. The American Armed Forces will be reorganized
and renamed as Her Majesty's Royal Guard.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).

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Q: What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
A: "Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

Q: What has four legs, a shiny nose, and fought for
   England?
A: Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a monster with a
   redcoat?
A: A bigger target.

Q: Why did the British soldiers wear red coats?
A: So they could hide in the tomatoes.

Q: What did King George think of the American
   colonists?
A: He thought they were revolting!

Q: What ghost haunted King George III?
A: The spirit of '76!

Q: Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental
   Army?
A: He was a Yankee doodler!




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