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Star Trek : The Next Generation

"Anti-Sensor Ship"

(c) 1992 Edward Sutherland
All rights reserved.
Posted by: bkeener@cs.ulowell.ed


(SCENE: Bridge of United Federation Starship ENTERPRISE, serial number
NC-1701E. All personnel are at their respective bridge stations. Various
clicks, hums, chirps, whistles, beeps, etc. are merrily clicking, humming,
chirping, etc... away, giving the impression that the ship is, indeed,
functioning.)

PICARD'S VOICE : Captain's Log, stardate take-a-wild-guess. We are currently
proceeding to some inconsequential planet on some insignificant little
assignment. Since we know we're going to get distracted before we get there,
there isn't much of a point to elaborating. We have come from Starbase
Sunshine, the only hippie-run starbase in the galaxy, where we recently had
a new experimental sensor system installed.

(Claxons blare Red Alert)

REIKER : Red Alert!

PICARD : Deflectors up! Phasers ready! Arm photon torpedoes! Hoist the
         mainsail! Skibber the gibbetts!

REIKER : Um... sir?

PICARD (not hearing) : Swab the poop deck! Dillywag the fartles! Tote that
         barge! Lift that bail!

REIKER : SIR!

PICARD : Huh? What? (looks around; everyone is staring at him.) Oh, sorry.
         (grins sheepishly)

REIKER : Mr. Worf, what did the sensors detect? (pause) Mr. Worf? (pause)
         WORF!!!


(WORF, who has been snoozing peacefully at his station, awakes suddenly)


WORF   : What? Kwalar! ("shit" in Klingonese) Battle stations! (looks down
         at sensor panel, pauses)

REIKER : Well, Worf? What did the sensors pick up?

WORF   : Um, well...

PICARD : Mister Worf, WHAT DID THE SENSORS DETECT?!?!?!

WORF   : A Romulan, sir.

PICARD : A ROMULAN!!! Prepare for battle!!!

WORF : Um, sir?

PICARD : WHAT?!?!?!?

WORF   : Sir, sensors detected a Romulan farting in our general direction
         about 500 lightyears away.


(PICARD pauses for a moment, then speaks.)


PICARD : (unbelieving) Farting?

WORF   : Yes, sir.

REIKER : Maybe this new sensor system is a little too sensitive, sir.


(PICARD rolls his eyes and sinks into his chair. Suddenly, Counseller TROI
sits up, looking into space)


TROI   : Captain, I feel something!

PICARD : (sits up) What?

REIKER : What is it? Is it intelligent?

WORF : Is it unfriendly?

PICARD : Is it hostile?

REIKER :\

WORF : ] WHAT IS IT?!?!?!

PICARD :/

TROI   : Oh. It's my pantyhose. I'm afraid I've developed a run in them. If
       you'll excuse me, Captain?

PICARD : (hesitates) Um, of course, Counseller. (TROI exits bridge. Picard
         leans over and whispers to REIKER) I didn't know she wore
         pantyhose, Number One.

REIKER : That's just about ALL she wears under that jumpsuit, Captain.


(Cut to JORDI LAFORGE in Engineering. He is looking at a panel curiously.
After several seconds, he taps his communicator)


JORDI  : Captain?

SEXY FEMALE VOICE : Hi. You've reached Phone Confessions. Tell me your
         WILDEST fantasies.

JEORDI : Oops! (fiddles with communicator patch for a few seconds) Damn!
         There goes another 2500 space credits. (taps communicator again)
         Jeordi LaForge to Captain Picard.

PICARD'S VOICE : Yes, Mr. LaForge. What's up?

JEORDI : Sir, I've picked up an unusual fluctuation in the power flow in
         the matter/anti-matter chamber.


(Cut to shot of PICARD on bridge)


PICARD : How serious is it?

JEORDI'S VOICE : Not too bad, Captain, but I don't like it... It's almost
         as if ...

PICARD : Go on, Jeordi.

JEORDI'S VOICE : Sir, It's almost as if someone farted in the chamber!


(Back to PICARD on bridge. He turns to WORF, who looks smug)


WORF   : (smugly) I told you so, sir.

PICARD : (into communicator) We'll take care of it, Jeordi. Let me know if
         anything else comes up. Picard out. (taps communicator, then turns
         to WORF.) Lieutenant, send a special message to Starbase 11. Tell
JEORDI : I can't believe the... (looks over at camera) Shit! We're on!

WESLEY : (looks at camera, also) Shit!


(both JEORDI and WESLEY jump up, spilling coffee all over the engineering
console, and stash the cups)


JEORDI : LINE!!!!! (whispered line from nowhere) Thanks. Uh... Okay, Wes.
         how's that Omni-directional laser phase inverting dynamic
         multi-dimensional mega-coupler looking?

WESLEY : Not bad, sir, but I have a better one in my quarters. You see, I
         have this science project, and...

JEORDI : Okay, okay, Wes. I know. (taps communicator) LaForge to Picard.

PICARD'S VOICE : Picard here. go ahead, Jeordi.

JEORDI : Captain, we should be able to reverse the power drain soon.

PICARD'S VOICE : How soon?

JEORDI : That depends... how long until we have to surrender?

PICARD'S VOICE : Commander Higgle... um... the Commander gave us one hour.

JEORDI : In that case, the engines should be repaired in about 58 minutes,
         sir.

PICARD'S VOICE : Good. Keep me informed. Oh, and Geordi...

JEORDI : Yes?

PICARD'S VOICE : I was watching the monitor during filming. Go screw
                 yourself. Picard out. (communicator channel closes)

WESLEY : I'm almost done here, sir.

JEORDI : So am I, I think.


(cut to shot of bridge. TROI enters with her uniform on inside-out and her
hair a mess. We hear the constant sound of a communicator being activated
and deactivated.


TROI   : Reporting for duty, captain.

PICARD : Deanna... what is that noise? Where is your communicator?

TROI   : On my uniform, of course... (looks down) Oops. (reaches down into
         uniform and retrieves the communicator. The sound stops.)

PICARD : Um... Counsellor... your uniform?

TROI   : (looks down again) Oops again. Captain, request permission to go to
         my quarters and reverse my uniform.

PICARD : (sighs, resigned) Granted. (TROI leaves again)

REIKER : I'll bet we don't see her again for a while. By the way, where's
         Data?


(cut to shot of DATA's room. He is sitting at his computer console, playing
a game of "Romulan Kong", a popular video game)


COMPUTER VOICE : Congratulations. You have just cleared the 5,000,000th
                 level. Please say you do not wish to continue.

DATA   : Continue.

COMPUTER VOICE : Aw, c'mon! You're giving me a complex!

DATA   : Computer, please continue with... (communicator tweak)

PICARD'S VOICE : Picard to Commander Data.

DATA   : (taps communicator) Data here, sir.

PICARD'S VOICE : When you get the chance, Lieutenant, would you kindly haul
                 your mechanical ass up to the bridge? We ARE in trouble you
                 know!
DATA   : As soon as I clear the next 100,000 levels, sir.

PICARD'S VOICE : (shouting) NOW, YOU STUPID WALKING TOASTER!!! GET TO THE
                 BRIDGE NOW OR I'LL HAVE YOU MADE INTO A BULKHEAD!

DATA   : Very well. Data out. (taps communicator)

COMPUTER VOICE : (relieved) Whew!

DATA   : Save current game.

COMPUTER VOICE : (groans) Aw, come ON!

DATA   : Save it or DIE, computer.

COMPUTER VOICE : Oh, all right.


(cut to shot of bridge. PICARD is playing hopscotch in the center of the
bridge, REIKER is smiling into space, and WORF is making a cats-in-the
cradle with string. DATA enters the bridge)


PICARD'S VOICE : Captain's log, stardate something-or-other. The time is
                 near when we must surrender to the Romulans. Worse yet, I'm
                 only up to threesies.


(DATA sits in chair, swivels, and presses a button. Suddenly, the lights
dim, the sound of power drain is heard, and the emergency lights go on.)


PICARD :\

REIKER : ] DATA!!!!

WORF :/

DATA : I'm innocent! I didn't do anything!

PICARD : Jeordi, what the hell is going on down there?!?!?!


(cut to shot of engineering. JEORDI and WESLEY are hard at work mopping up
coffee from the main engineering console. JEORDI taps communicator.)


JEORDI : Um... temporary setback, captain. It should be fixed in a minute.
         Laforge out.

PICARD'S VOICE : WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL HAPP... (JEORDI taps communicator)

WESLEY : I think he's upset.

JEORDI : No shit, sherlock! You and your damn coffee!

WESLEY : MY coffee?!?!? You're the one who spilled it, visor-head!

JEORDI : Shut up, Mr. Wizard!


*Salutations from --Christchurch-+
*  ICE-man in      /\            |          \ | /   Mountains, Sunshine
* New Zealand     /  \/\         |  /\      - O -   Forestry, Farming
*-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^/      \!!ii,,..@-/==\---^-^-^-^-^ Beaches and Surfing


... "Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again." - I C E-man

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