Text 48, 327 rader
Skriven 2004-08-09 12:58:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av DAVE COBLE
Ärende: Bostonians
==================
DC> Going to college in Boston?
DC> "Mary-mutha-ah-gawd, you gotta be wicked smaht!"

Thanks for the Bostonian lexicon -- good stuff!

In case you decide to travel far south from Boston, here's another lexicon that
might be useful:

                        LOOKING SPIRITUAL
                A Baptist Guide to Christianese.

     If one wishes to be 'in' in christian circles, one must be
aware of many things.  Since we all know how judgemental christians
are, it is imperative that one convinces others of the sincerity of
their faith.  Or, if one is already a christian, it is equally
imperative that one not show the slightest hint of weakness, and
appear at all times to be on close terms with God.

     In order to achieve these ends, sincerity is the key.  It is
only when one learns to fake sincerity that the entire church world
unfolds before them.  Given here is a simple list of helpful hints
on how to achieve these ends.

     Prayer is by far the most crucial element to looking
spiritual.  Firstly, there is a very delicate balance to achieve
when deciding how often to pray.  If one prays too often, there is
a danger of being thought of as a 'pharisee type'.  However, if one
doesn't pray enough, one's very faith is in question.  Sooner of
later, one gets in a group where everyone takes turns praying, so
it is essential to know how to do it properly.  In order to show
you how to pray convincingly, a list of simple phrases is given. 
These phrases can be combined in almost any order to provide one
with a very convincing prayer.

OUR HEAVENLY FATHER:  When addressing God, this particular method
was found to be most effective.  Others include Lord, Jesus, Lord
Jesus, and simply God.

WE COME BEFORE YOU IN PRAYER

THANK YOU FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN US:  Make sure
you check the weather before using this one.

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING US TOGETHER

BLESS OUR TIME HERE TOGETHER

THANK YOU THAT WE CAN COME HERE AND LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU: 
Especially useful in a bible study situation.

PLEASE PLACE YOUR HEALING HAND UPON ____ WHO IS STRUGGLING WITH
___:  Any name can be inserted, from spouse to distant
acquaintance, as well as any ailment from colds to cancer (cancer
is especially good here).

PLEASE BE WITH ___ : Use this for otherwise healthy people of your
acquaintance, especially those who are travelling.

BLESS THIS FOOD TO OUR BODY'S USE, AND BLESS THE HANDS THAT
PREPARED IT:  A vintage mealtime favourite.

THANK FOR THIS WONDERFUL FELLOWSHIP THAT WE CAN PARTAKE IN:  Since
nobody really knows what fellowship is, it always sounds very
spiritual.  Partake is an excellent word, and should be used
liberally.

THANK YOU FOR LOVING US SO MUCH THAT YOU SENT YOUR SON TO DIE ON A
CROSS:  A brief description of the horror of the crucifixion is
optional.  Talking about "shed blood" in this context is very
effective.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ABUNDANT FORGIVENESS THAT YOU COULD SAVE EVEN A
WRETCH LIKE ME:  This is good because it makes you sound humble.

IF IT BE YOUR WILL ... :  Any request of your choice can be
inserted, preferably non-materialistic requests.

WE KNOW THAT IF TWO OR THREE ARE GATHERED IN YOUR NAME, THERE YOU
ARE IN OUR MIDST:  This is a direct quote from scripture, and may
therefore be used even when it is meaningless.

HELP ME TO BE A BETTER WITNESS TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME:  This is
especially good, because it conveys the impression that you
actually have non-christian friends.

FILL US WITH YOUR SPIRIT:  This is to used sparingly in most
baptist congregations, but is included for the benefit of those
"liberal" churches.

IN JESUS NAME, AMEN:  Mandatory.

     Most of the above key phrases can be enhanced with the liberal
use of the words 'just' and 'really'.  For example, "I just really
want to thank you for this day." or "Just really help me to be a
better witness to the people around me."

     Even though prayer is the most important element to looking
spiritual, everyday conversation (fellowshipping) is also crucial
in successfully maintaining the illusion.  To the beginner, it may
seem that it is necessary to talk a lot about spiritual things. 
However, the experienced church goer knows that this is wearying,
and all that is necessary is to talk about daily things using
spiritual language.  Presented here is another short list of
helpful phrases that can make you sound just like Billy Graham.

BLESS YOUR HEART:  Often used to make it sound like you are
complementing someone, when sometimes you aren't, ie. "Little Tommy
fell down and broke his nose, bless his precious little heart".

I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU SHARED THAT:  Christians don't tell you
things, they share them with you.

IT REALLY SPOKE TO MY HEART:  I understood you.

I JUST SENSED GOD CALLING ME TO ...

I FELT LED TO ... :  These 2 phrases can be used to justify almost
any action that you wish to undertake.

YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL TO ME:  Say this to people who are struggling
with their insecurities.  For completeness, insert a hug*.

* Hugging is crucial for creating the illusion if intimacy.

IT WAS A REALLY EXCITING TIME:  It is unnecessary to actually
demonstrate any excitement, so this is an easy one to use.

WE FELT THE LORD'S PRESENCE:  Somebody cried.

WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TALK:  The weather was not mentioned.

I ASKED MYSELF, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IN THIS SITUATION?:  An
excellent phrase found to be extremely effective.  This is good for
dealing with controversial issues because even though people may
not actually know what Jesus would do, they will all nod in
agreement.

I JUST REALLY APPRECIATE YOU MINISTRY HERE

YOU'VE BEEN A REAL BLESSING TO US

GOD HAS BEEN USING YOU IN A SPECIAL WAY

YOU HAVE A REAL HEART FOR PEOPLE:  The previous four phrases are
very appropriate when saying farewell to someone who is leaving the
congregation, especially if they are embarking on some form of
missionary work.

PLEASE, SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART:  Reserved for people who resist the
teachings of this manual.

I WAS REALLY ENCOURAGED BY WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY:  I agree with you.

IT WAS REALLY REFRESHING TO SEE THAT ... :  Reserved for those rare
occasions when traditions are broken.

I SENSE THAT THERE IS A REAL BARRIER BETWEEN US:  A nice way of
telling someone that you really don't appreciate them.

HAVE YOU PRAYED ABOUT IT?:  This one fits well when following the
previous phrase.

LET'S BE REAL WITH EACH OTHER:  ie. You're not being emotional
enough.

LET'S STEP OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONES:  To be said just prior to
trying to extract the feelings from a quiet member of the group.

IT WAS REALLY UNEDIFYING:  The best way to say that you didn't have
a good time.  For example, if you don't find this document very
humourous, you would say that it is unedifying.

I HAVE A REAL BURDEN ON MY HEART:  The best way to complain about
life's many problems.

Once you've mastered the techniques described above, eventually one
is expected to speak in front of the entire congregation.  In order
to do so effectively, one must utilize a more advanced set of
language guidelines.  When one reaches these more advanced stages,
it is important to realize that the language changes dramatically
from one denomination to another.  For example, inclusive language
is crucial when speaking in a United Church, ie. never refer to God
as 'He'.  However, for our purposes we will concentrate on Baptist
communication.  For those outside of this denomination, we suggest
that you read one of the following references:  "How to Hail Mary"
by Sister Mary Francis of Surrey (Catholic),  "101 Hallelujahs" by
Rex Toupee (Pentecostal), and "Open Minded Human Expression" by the
committee for world peace (United Church).

     During a given worship service, particular phrases are
appropriate only at certain times.  We will try here to not only
give the right things to say, but the right times to say them.

LET US PREPARE OUR HEARTS AND MINDS TO WORSHIP THE LORD:  To be
used just after the announcements are completed, when it's time to
sober up.  This should be followed by either prayer or music for
quiet meditation.

LET US COME BEFORE THE LORD IN PRAYER:  See the section on prayer
above for the proper techniques of prayer, but this is the correct
way to lead into prayer.

LET US WORSHIP THE LORD IN SONG AT THIS TIME:  At this point the
congregation reaches for their hymnals, or if you're in one of
those 'liberal' baptist churches, Barb turns on the overhead and
starts flipping plastic.  In either case, you may insert the words
"shall we stand" in order to create the illusion of enthusiasm.

AND NOW ____ WILL READ OUR SCRIPTURE LESSON FOR TODAY:  Usually
people not otherwise involved in the service are chosen for the
"privilege" of reading the Bible.

THUS FAR THE READING OF GOD'S WORD:  The correct way of ending the
reading of scripture.

IS THERE ANYONE IN THE CONGREGATION WHO WOULD LIKE TO SHARE ANY OF
THEIR JOYS OR CONCERNS AT THIS TIME:  It is at this point that you
nod at the people who you asked earlier to prepare something to
say.

LET US NOW RESPOND TO THE LORD WITH OUR TITHES AND OFFERINGS, BY
GIVING BACK TO THE LORD A PORTION OF WHAT HE HAS GIVEN TO US:  This
is to be said immediately following the monthly financial statement
given by the stewardship committee.
AND ALL GOD'S PEOPLE SAID ...:  The congregation should then
respond with "AMEN".  Use this when it seems like the people are
getting bored by what you are actually trying to say.  Every
successful entertainer knows that audience participation is
important.

AND NOW MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU AND CAUSE HIS FACE TO
SHINE UPON YOU IN THE DAYS AHEAD, AMEN:  A very nice sounding way
to say farewell at the end of the morning service.  This should be
said immediately after singing the Doxology.

     One of the best ways to get general congregation members
involved in the service is the story for the children.  Children's
stories constitute a powerful way to look spiritual, because the
children will never question your motives.  Women should pay
special attention to this section, since they will likely be asked
to do it more frequently.

     It is important to ask the kids plenty of questions.  This has
the effect of maximizing the cuteness factor, since one of them
will undoubtedly scream out his/her answer.

GOOD MORNING/EVENING CHILDREN, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?:  This is
supposed to be to put the children at ease, but in reality it is to
put you at ease as you stand in front of the congregation.

WHAT DOES THIS _____ REMIND YOU OF?:  Almost any object can be
pulled out of a paper bag here, and no matter what it is, the
children know that the correct answer is "JESUS!", and you can
depend on one of them to shout it out (assuming that they have
spent time in sunday school).  This then defines the rest of the
children's story, because you must then go on to explain what the
object has in common with Jesus.

WHAT ARE SOME THINGS THAT YOU ARE THANKFUL TO GOD FOR?:  The
correct answers to this question are: friends, family, and Jesus. 
The kids will know at least one of the answers, and the pastor's
kids will know all of them.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MEAN TO YOUR BROTHER OF SISTER BEFORE?:  It is
important to act surprised, but pretend that you believe any of the
kids the say no to this question.

HOW DO YOU THINK JESUS FEELS WHEN YOU DO BAD THINGS?:  You may have
to prompt them with further questions like "Do you think he's
happy?" or "Don't you think it makes him sad?".

HOW DO YOU THINK JESUS WANTS YOU TO ACT?:  A good answer to this
question is: "He wants me to listen to my mom."

     It is crucial that any children's story be finished with
prayer.  This prayer is usually followed by the children leaving
for "junior church".  Again, some phrases are provided.

THANK YOU FOR BLESSING US WITH SUCH BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS CHILDREN

THANK YOU FOR GIVING US PARENTS WHO LOVE US

HELP THEM TO BE ATTENTIVE TO THEIR TEACHERS, AND NOT TO BE
DISRUPTIVE

HELP THEM TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU

HELP THEM NOT TO RUN DOWN THE AISLE ON THEIR WAY OUT, BUT TO WALK
QUIETLY:  This is an impossibility without God's direct
intervention, so it is quite important to add this to your prayer.

Also, the simpler phrases from the previous prayer section may be
used.

     The teachings of this manual will obviously take time to
learn, but we are certain that with enough practice you will be
able to convince the most scrutinizing eyes of the sincerity of
your faith.  If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.


*** AUTHORS' DISCLAIMER ***

     Our goal in composing this literature was not to condemn
people who use these phrases.  Although we have portrayed them as
being insincere things to say, we realize that this is not always
the case, especially since we often use many of them ourselves. 
Instead we hope to find humour in them, and to laugh at ourselves
as christians.  If a serious statement is to be made, it would be
that we should approach God (and church) as creative individuals,
rather than as we think others expect us to.

                    Ryan Zindler
                    Paul Etter


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(I am the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1                                                                 

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