Text 560, 117 rader
Skriven 2004-11-18 05:06:38 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av Cindy Haglund
Ärende: F unny quotes
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All-Time best quotes


1. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house. " Steven Seagal

2. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job.  But if you  ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. " Jeff Foxworthy

3. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time. " Robin Williams

4. "If a woman has to choose between catching  a fly ball and saving
infant's life, she will choose  to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base. " Dave Barry

5. "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman

6. "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should
treat! it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice.  There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. " Bob
Ettinger

7. "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim. " Paula  Poundstone

8. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study:  Uh,
duh! " Conan O'Brien

9. "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a slow
learner. " Lynda  Montgomery

10. "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner. " Roseanne

11. "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of p! eople in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the pover ty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west. '" Richard Jeni

12. "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all  the impersonators
would be dead. " Johnny Carson

13. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. " Paul
Rodriguez

14. "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
and that's the law. " Jerry  Seinfeld

15. "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in
a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall
people burn  slower? " Warren Hutcherson

16. "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. "
Oscar Wilde

17. "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not  ready for an
institution yet. " Mae West

18. "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . But I repeat  myself." Mark Twain

19. "Our bombs are smarter than the avera! ge high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait. " A. Whitney Brown

20. "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet, " Robin Williams

21. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself. " Roseanne

22. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,  and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
'" Dave Barry

23. "If you can't beat them, arrange to have  them beaten. " George
Carlin

24. "When I die, I want to die like my  grandmother who died peacefully
in her sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. " Author
Unknown

25. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of  tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on  the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children" Author Unknown

26. "Oh,! you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a s upport
group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. " Drew
Carey

AND THE WINNER OF THEM ALL: Truly one of the All-Time best quotes:

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he
thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have
harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on
America.

His answer:

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to
arrange the meeting."

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