Text 6, 100 rader
Skriven 2004-07-26 15:03:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av DAVE COBLE
Ärende: New Jeans
=================
DC> Now, let's see...what has a lot of calories that is not an
DC> essential part of a healthy daily diet? Hmmm...I'll think
DC> about it tonight over a beer.

                          The "Beer Me" Diet

 FACT:  A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories,  is  almost  all
 water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

 FACT:  The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake  of  1,200
 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
 safe  two to three pounds a  week.   On  the  "Beer-Me"  diet,  that
 equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men.  A
 measurable goal.

 FACT:  The alcohol in beer is a diuretic,  which causes the water to
 flush  out almost  immediately,  leading  to  a  consistent  workout
 regimen  including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair),  fast
 walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

 FACT:  Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when  you  aren't
 necessarily  tired.  All that added rest  is  certain  to  help  any
 problems  you may have experienced in  sleep  deprivation,  counting
 calories on those other fad diets.   In addition, you may experience
 the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up,  which always
 makes  for lively conversation,  and possibly additional exercise if
 you have to sneak out and run home.

 FACT:  The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day
 of  consuming your required 12-15 beers,  you will certainly want to
 consume  some aspirin,  which is medically proven  to  help  prevent
 heart attacks.

 FACT:  On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only
 rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed  at
 least  half of the day's required beers.   This way  the  food  will
 probably  only stay in your body  a  short  time,  until  you  again
 exercise the deep knee bends,  quick walk and, this time, the "lean-
 over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

 FACT:  Beer drinking is often done in bars,  where  other  forms  of
 exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up
 a thirst,  as is chasing members of the opposite sex.  If you really
 want  to maximize your workout,  try actually walking up to the bar,
 versus  using a waitress.   To take this to the extreme,  you  could
 even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer
 to the diet plan than yourself.

 FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.  Based on these facts, let's
 run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

 CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during
 the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

 MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food and basically be a slob.

 FRIDAY:  Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up.  Go
 to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process
 (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

 SATURDAY:  Wake up (as required)  and lounge around all day, feeling
 slightly  smaller  after  expunging  any  food  that  you  may  have
 accidentally  consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky  from
 7-11).    Take aspirin.  Notice that you have absolutely no interest
 in food, anyway.

 SATURDAY  (p.m.): Restart cycle,  noticing that  your  appetite  has
 still not returned.  Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
 due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is  a
 good thing,  as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
 for the day, and you  still don't feel hungry.

 SUNDAY  (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day.   This is  a  very
 convenient  diet during football season,  but it can be successfully
 implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being
 played every day of the year except the day before and the day after
 the  Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up).   Consumption  on
 this  day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want  to
 peak too soon.  Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling
 thinner all the time.  Don't forget the aspirin.

 MONDAY:  Return  to  work,  feeling  thinner,   well   rested,   and
 surprisingly mellow.   Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
 the upcoming weekend.

 Happy dieting!!!


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