Text 782, 296 rader
Skriven 2004-12-15 22:37:40 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Book
================
Funny on 12-Dec-2004 10:49
GS> --=+[ Did You Know You're A Looser If ]+=--
-=[George Pope wrote IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-
GP> Do you mean "'you're a LOSER"??
G-day George Pope, not the I C E-man CyberPope! #[:-)]
> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
YUPPIE CHRISTMAS...
by Keith Blanchard from The Princeton Tiger
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo,
Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo.
The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there.
The dependents were nestled, all snug in their beds
While Porsches and charge accounts danced in their heads
And my dove and I, watching T.V. cable stations
Had just settled down to three weeks paid vacation.
When out in the drive there arose such a clamor
My wife lost her place in a story in Glamour.
To the window I had the man run, like a flash
To make sure it was garbagemen taking the trash.
But he said, 'It's a lawyer, sir, parking his car.
I fear it's a Jetta, and in THIS front yard!
Shall I sound the alarm?' 'Yes, don't let him inside!
My ex must want more alimony,' I cried.
But though servants locked windows and barred the front door,
Our defense was as loose as a two-dollar whore.
For just as back in the Jacuzzi I stepped,
A soot-suited man from the fireplace leapt.
'I flew down the flue,' he informed, and I sighed.
'That sure puts a damper on things,' I replied
He was dressed in a suit, with three pieces and tie,
But I saw he'd forgotten to zip up his fly.
He had a long nose that resembled a dork,
And his beady eyes begged to be poked with a fork.
With only these words, 'You poor Ivy-leagued jerk!
This isn't your day!' he went straight to his work.
Beneath the aluminum tree he did crouch,
And took all of our presents to put in his pouch.
The TV's and stereos, jewelry and clothes,
All went into his Hefty, and then he arose.
He crossed the fireplace, turning his back...
And emptied our stockings out into the sack.
But just as I thought that was all I would lose,
He went to the kitchen and drank all my booze.
Then he dumped all our silverware into the bag,
And added the new VCR to his swag.
Our Waterford crystal, our Tiffany lamps,
My son's Telecaster and thousand-watt amps,
My Princeton diploma was yanked off the wall
And twenty sports jackets from out in the hall.
My antique collection, the wife's diamond rings,
He ransacked the house and took all of our things!
But when he had stacked all the bags by the door,
Well, I brought our my Doberman and said 'Listen you boor!
You've invaded our privacy - I know the law!
KILL, Charger, KILL!' But the lawyer guffawed,
And laying a finger aside of his nose
Gave a honk, and blew snot - all over my clothes.
He grabbed a dry breadstick and took my dog's life,
Then ran to the bedroom and ravished my wife!
Now, I really was peeved! 'Sir, I'll see you in court!
You can't do such things to collect non-support!'
But he laughed, 'Non-support?' as he got off my spouse.
'Tomorrow they're coming to take down your house.
And soon the policemen will drag you away.
Your own Uncle Sam's repossessing today!'
'You mean you aren't my ex-wife's attorney?'
I asked, while he loaded my gold Lamborghini.
He laughed as he dashed away into the night,
And tossed a grenade which blew out my porch light.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
'Damn, your wife was awfully tight.
What's more, 'Alimony'?? My Gawd...
Man, you're going to prison for income tax fraud.'
> OBJoke: for mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope") History of Santa.. .. .. ..
1735: Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to build a
castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the
company funds.
1739: The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world.
Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year,
Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of
the castle's great halls.
1740: Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745: Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the
castle and of his sick father.
1747: Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city
around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748: Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of
Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving
for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753: All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly
established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy
company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus
I dies, at age 89.
1755: The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his
wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and
the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757: The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by
Claus II to begin an ambitious project, that of breeding and
training reindeer to fly.
1773: The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's
major form of transportation.
1774: A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light.
He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by
the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday,
inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To
impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the
elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a
dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this,
and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777: As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to
search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor
of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of
ways to use it to his advantage.
1784: On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main
street during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a
radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over
immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North
Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in
rebellion.
1785-1792: The Seven-year Strike happens. The elves refuse to make
toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North
Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life,
becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of
his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796: Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully try to invade Norway. Over
10,000 elves are killed.
1800: Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802: After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he's
quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built,
brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804: Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves
are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826: After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and
Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus
IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841: The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the
near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints
his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make
up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the
hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will
ride throughout the world, distributing free toys to children
everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very
costly.
1847: Claus III dies.
1851: As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the
elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay
cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he'll do all
he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an
Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and
the Elves.
1856: Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay
at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed
employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well
that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867: Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his
elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time
building up the company, doesn't seem to mind; in fact, he feels
that it's good publicity.
1871: Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try
to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the
government back to the elves.
1872: Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the
remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.
1875: After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as
the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest
this, but they are successfully quieted. (It's also because of
communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881: Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets
underway. His funeral isn't a large one.
1887: In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes
industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on
the assembly line.
1893: Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor
of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for
"giving the government back to the elves."
1900: Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902: After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is
claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. Throughout the
kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back
again some day.
1906: Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves
aren't the least bit excited.
1909-1922: The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda
influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally,
and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden
sabotage.
1925: Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He's found buried
in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is
the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926: Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He
rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are
installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets
electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to
be used as propaganda for the world.
1929: Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch
attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of
Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which
warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949: Claus VII is born.
1979: Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990: The North Pole remains stable, with everything running
smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge
and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas,
but as they grow older, their parents throw them away. Then, as
the children grow into adults and have children of their own, the
toys start to surface again. And so the cycle goes on.
1991: First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993: Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed.
His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites
reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants
or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in
a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997: Anti-Claus is tracked by radar and found to live in an underground
hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002: Communism fails utterly at the North Pole resulting from the
nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth
making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was
flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of
light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated
each other.
2007: The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves.
Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is
finally achieved throughout the kingdom.
2011: It's discovered that Claus VII didn't die in the explosion, but
merely made it appear so. From there, he went to live in the
Bahamas. He's later found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi
with two and a half dozen nymphets.
* *
### Merry Christmas ###
##### Happy New Year #####
= I C E-man =
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