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Skriven 2004-12-28 08:45:02 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av Sean Dennis
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OBStory for Sean
The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter VIII
From: I C E-man
Nigel walked in the aforementioned purposeful manner towards Ivywood,
the place where he'd make his millions. Leaving the action-packed
lavatorial scene behind him he strolled along Moonshine Boulevard. After
a while the night began to close in and Nigel realized that he had
better find a friendly haven for the night. In the distance Nigel
spotted a large, lonely sign - "MOTEL", with an arrow pointing towards a
large white building. When he reached the sign he saw many small
stickers plastered all over it - "WANT A GOOD TIME - 0393322505",
"SLIPPERY SAUCY SUZY - yours reasonable rates, ask at reception",
"Fred's Taxi-cabs - Handy when you're pissed", "Pedro's Taxi-cabs - It's
1p cheaper than Fred's", etc.. As Nigel entered the reception at the
motel he noticed that the place definitely lacked style, but Nigel liked
its honest qualities - it was very cheap and Nigel was knackered. At the
desk were two slumped figures. At first sight they appeared to be male
but after close inconspicuous inspection Nigel realized that one was
female - she had the word "SUZY" tattooed on her fore-head. My god she
was ugly, Nigel thought to himself - but he was desperate ...
...For a good Shower, Shit and an even better Shave - the three S's,
almost good enough to rival Sleeze, Slags and Sex - but tonight or at
least for the moment it just had to be the former three S's. Suzy handed
over the key to his room. "Number 27 darlin'", she growled licking her
totally unsensual wart infested lips in an almost successful attempt to
cover the fact that the dentures she wore were quite obviously someone
elses. She screwed up her face and attempted a wink as if to say "your
room hunky, 12 midnight", but Nigel had already turned his back and was
walking towards his room. He opened the door to his room - SHOCK!
HORROR! - it was the pits. Nigel Mansell had just driven in for a tyre
change closely followed by Nikki Lauda (I thought he had retired). Nigel
shut the door. Oops, it was number 25. He eventually found his bed and
after taking everything (including his utility belt) off he lay down on
it reflecting on the past, brooding about the future and his goal. The
bathroom door was slightly ajar so he piled in and set the bath running.
Nigel sank slowly into the warm relaxing water and shut his eyes. There
was an weird PLOP and another and another but Nigel did not notice the
spiny jellymorphous 8-tentacled green tits swimming out of the cold
water tap and towards his ....
Nigel thought that the plops were due to some baked beans he had eaten
earlier (missing from the narrative, in fact he hasn't eaten once and
has only just gone to the bog. He must be some sort of super-hedgehog).
The green tentacles reached out for his testicles (must be something to
do with Fatlegsmason, an attraction to gonads and genetically altered
bodily parts are the trade mark of that infamous villain). as the
tentacles brushed lightly against Nigel's sensuous thighs he sighed and
uttered "Ahhhh, Nancy." The tentacles moved up and suddenly wrapped
tightly around his balls."NANCY!! BE GENTLE WILL YOU!!!". A stiff tug,
"ARGGGGGGG!!!!", Nigel eyes flicked open, "OH SHIT!!!!", exclaimed our
super-hero, "I've been grabbed by the balls with a green tentacle from a
mutated breast." (You can't get much more bloody ridiculous a plot than
that, can you?!). Nigel's super-brain went into over drive as he thought
of a way out, they flicked around the room looking at:
The toilet, no, no good
The loo roll, useless
The towel, no, hopeless
The bathroom cabinet, no, closed
The shelf, ah promising, now if I can just reach my utility belt......
Nigel stepped from the bath. Every inch he moved caused his bollocks to
be pulled tighter and tighter (I like a bit on tension in the plot) the
tits pulled harder in an attempt to ruin our hero's family life. Nigel
removed a zippo lighter from his belt, reached his can of spine spray
from the bathroom shelf, pointed it at the tentacles and (doing that
neat little trick you can do with a zippo lighter, flicking it alight on
you thigh) he lit the spine spray to produce a billowing fire ball which
he used to burn away all the gelatinous tentacles and associated
breasts. As the smoke cleared Nigel said "AH that's saved my bollocks,
I've burnt away all the tits, lets have a look at my love-plumbs". Nigel
looked down at his precious luggage to see...........
That, although relatively intact, they were blackened and charred. " OH
NO", nigel exclaimed tragically, "even if they work, who can I attract
with these ?" ( presumably he had forgotten Suzy ). "OH BUGGER", he
shouted in capital letters. At this, a strange happening occurred, a
certain testicle who was mentioned in the previous paragraph
( unfavorably, court proceedings will follow ), appeared, as if Nigel
was the higher power ! He explained to Nigel, "Whenever somebody lights
a can of Studio-Hog, with a Zippo lighter, and then says the magic
words, 'Oh Bugger', I appear. What is your problem". Nigel tearfully
pointed at the aforementioned testicles ( Even super-heroes cry under
these circumstances ! ), and Fatlegs smiled, and waved a hand. In a
strange fashion nigel's 'love-plums' returned to their natural
colouring, and even seemed to expand. Fatleg's explained that this was a
natural side effect, due to the magic, and that they were now +1
testicles, looking like love-plums of a particularly good year ! Nigel
breathed a sigh of relief as Fatleg's vanished as if summoned by an even
higher power ( +2 testicles ? ). The door to his room burst open as ...
Dingo Skidneys strolled in, in a conversational manner. "Put your
testicles away and look out of the window!", he demanded peremptorily.
Then he climbed into the wardrobe with his ubiquitous harem of lusty
ewes and slammed the door shut. Nigel sprinted to the window, but in his
haste he did not notice that the window was open and he tripped over the
sill and fell...
... head-first, plunging towards certain fate. Then ... 'clunk, 'click,
'clunk Nigel's gyrocopter-backpack automatically roared reassuringly
into action. Nigel levelled out and began to ascend. Then suddenly the
007-like- 70's style copter spluttered ... the diesel engine couldn't
cope with Nigel's unfeasibly large testicles (Long Live Viz) - the
copter wasn't designed for such majestic sex pips. Nigel soared towards
the ground. Swift thinking was vital, but Nigel was exhausted. He
reached inside his hefty utility belt and pulled out a small, compact,
leather-bound book entitled ...
'How to fix your gyrocopter-backpack in one easy step'. Nigel, being
a total super-hero, didn't need to read it but he placed it in his
'Book-reader' device on his utility belt. Two seconds later, a robot
was released from his belt, who then proceeded to fix Nigel's gyro-
copter. Saved! As nigel again spiraled back up into the sky, he looked
though his window and noticed SUZY looking though all of his stuff. He
wondered...was she a detective? was she a spy? or was she just very
ugly?
THE END
* *
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