Text 976, 100 rader
Skriven 2005-01-30 04:23:00 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: How long do you have?
=============================
                 BRUCE'S GUIDE TO LIFE EXPECTANCY

  Due to each individual's unwillingness to adhere to the following
guidelines, this Guide is totally meaningless.  After all, you may
get hit by a truck tomorrow.

  Begin with the number 76. (This is how long you would live if you
had no contact with anyone/thing your entire life.)

If you're a white male                                        -  3
If you're a white male supremacist                            - 15
If you're a black male                                        - 10
If you're a white female                                      +  3
If you're a black female                                      -  2
If you're an Oriental                                         +  3
If you're unsure of your race                                 -  5
If one of your grandparents lived past 85                     +  2
If one of your grandparents lives with you                    -  3
If either parent died of a heart attack before age 50         -  4
If you caused either parent to died                           - 20
If you're a lawyer                                            - 15
If you're a dangerous criminal                                - 10
If you exercise strenuously 30 mins, 5 times a week           +  4
If you do 2 - 3 workouts a week                               +  2
If you have had a heart attack while exercising               -  7
If you smoke 2+ packs of cigarettes a day                     -  8
If you smoke 1 - 2 packs of cigarettes a day                  -  6
If you smoked dope in the '60s                                -  2
If you took lots of drugs in the '60s                         -  5
If you don't remember taking lots of drugs in the '60s        -  0
If you're overweight by 50+ pounds                            -  8
If you're overweight by 30 - 50 pounds                        -  4
If you can't see the scale over your stomach                  - 10
If you have high blood pressure                               -  3
If you drink heavily                                          -  1
If you can't remember if you drink heavily                    -  5
If you've received a speeding ticket in the past year         -  1
If you've received a DWI in the past year                     -  5
If you don't know the person under your car at 3 AM           - 10
If you sleep less than 5 hours/more than 10 hours a night     -  4
If you sleep with someone other than your spouse regularly    -  7
If you sleep with someone else's spouse regularly             - 10
If you sleep with Lorena Bobbitt                              - 15
If you live in an urban area, a small town or small suburb    -  2
If you work up a sweat on the job                             +  3
If you work at a desk                                         -  3
If you work with a computer                                   -  7
If you like working with a computer                           +  2
If your computer don't like working with you                  -  9
If you have a FAX machine at home                             -  2
If you use a cellular phone                                   -  5
If you have a phone in the bathroom                           -  3
If you're over 65 and still working (your crazy, but)         +  3
If you're over 75 and still working (your weird, but)         +  2
If you're over 95 and still working (your lying)              +  0
If you finished college                                       +  1
If you have a graduate or professional degree                 +  1
If you didn't graduate high school (you can't read this)      -  2
If you earn $50k+/year (stress)                               -  2
If you're a dumb blonde (no stress)                           +  5
If you wear expensive jewelry in public                       -  7
If you are basically happy                                    +  1
If you easy going, laid back, relaxed                         +  3
If you intense, aggressive, easily angered                    -  3
If you are a postal employee                                  -  2
If you are a postal employee who owns an assault rifle        -  9
If you know a postal employee who owns an assault rifle       - 15
If you a member of a gang                                     - 50
If you know a gang member                                     - 30
If you live with a spouse or a friend                         +  5
If a pet (other than a cat) lives with you                    +  1
If a cat lives with you                                       -  3
If you keep poisonous snakes or other dangerous animals       - 10
If your mother-in-law lives with you                          -  5
If you live with children (for each year of each child)       -  1
If you're 30 - 39                                             +  2
If you're 40 - 49                                             +  3
If you're 50 - 69                                             +  4
If you're 70+  (what do you care?)                            +  5
If you have a terminal disease (why are you taking this?)     - 70

 Simply total the numbers which apply to you and subtract from 76.
If your current age exceeds the result, you should die; now.
If the result is less than 0, you should not have been born.
Bruce's Guide is purely for your entertainment. If there is any
similarity to your actual life, you should consult a shrink.




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