Text 981, 188 rader
Skriven 2005-01-31 00:28:44 av DAVE COBLE (1:123/140)
Ärende: The 100 Rules Of Porn
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The 100 Rules Of Porn

 1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on
it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
 2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion
of sex.
 3. All women love to swallow.
 4. Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
 5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
 6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
 7. School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people
on the face of the earth.
 8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
intercourse.
 9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more
turned on than angry.
10. When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her f*** other men,
she thinks it a swell idea.
11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the
face of the earth.
12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her
first f***.
13. Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic
hair.
14. Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents
leave their doors open while they have sex.
15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress
for umpteen hours.
16. All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17. All black guys are extremely well hung.
18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down
their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never
dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19. Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people
on the face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-
breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary f***king.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other
men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by
the end of the story.
29. Who needs condoms?
30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they
indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women
(i.e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).
31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy,
otherwise amazing nipples.
32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a tight ass and a
ravenous sexual appetite.
33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell
sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to
leap in the sack with him.
35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead
continue to completion.
36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they
may be.
37. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys... but
fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage
boys how to do it right.
38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house
for babysitters and children to find.
39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will
immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.
41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage
doing all her co-workers.
42. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage
getting gangbanged.
43. Long hair never gets in the way.
44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just
as horny.
45. And your best friend's mum looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a
good f*** in years.
46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling,
even the first time.
47. Even after drinking.
48. When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you
must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before f***king your
friend's
wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's
come like it was Diet Coke.
49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
50. Men
never lose their erection in the middle of things.
51. Women always love
having their nipples bitten right away, while they're
still warming up.
52. No one ever gets sore or cramp.
53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for
hours at a time.
54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
55. All women love facials. Really.
56. The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.
57. Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when a lesbian eats her out.
59. Two or more high school girls left alone all weekend in a big house
will invariably engage in lesbian sex.
60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately
introduced to every sex act imaginable.
61. If you're a single male, visiting married friends will involve your
f***king the wife while the husband f***s you because, you know, it just
feels right.
62. All attractive women are insatiably bisexual.
63. But all "bisexual" women really want a man. That's why two women having
sex with each other will instantly drop everything and pay all their
attention to the man who just walked in on their scene.
64. All women have a secret longing to f*** someone other than their
husband, so that they can finally see what a "real dick" feels like.
65. All married men are under-endowed, and every wife cheats with a man
whose dick is twice her husband's size.
66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone
at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to the
bar.
67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home from that bar
and tells him how a stranger just f***ed her better than she'd ever gotten
it from her husband.
68. Instead of being mad, having just learned that his wife cheated on him
with another man, a husband will get more turned on than he's ever been in
his life and willingly suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.
69. He will then begin planning her next night out where he will be able to
join her and maybe even get to watch her f*** another strange man. 70. If
the husband decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will
not actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched
in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/f***ed silly by a total
stranger. 71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who encourages
her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much he loves her.
72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with another man's
wife (presumably because their own wife is already having an affair with
another man).
73. Bosses routinely have sex with their married female employees, with no
fear of sexual harassment charges being filed.
74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.
75. After sex, no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with
the threat of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.
76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on
you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.
77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in"
his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at
most hours before the ceremony.
78. When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with
the other woman's husband over their own.
79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years
will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another
man who she just met.
80. When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very
undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and
f***s minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.
81. Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars.
82. Only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to
pick them up.
83. If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening
(keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and windowsill), he will
be treated to a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.
84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue
her strip-and-masturbation routine for him.
85. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each
other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room
and force him to confess.
86. She will then f*** him.
87. If the wife walks in while the father is f***king his 16-year-old
daughter, she will not get mad.
88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.
89. When mum/sis/aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old
son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.
90. She then calls him into her room.
91. She then asks him questions about his virginity.
92. She then f***s him.
93. It never crosses mum's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him
problems in the future.
94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."
95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.
96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the
earth.
97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the
earth.
98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically
"beastiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.
99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.
100. So are dogs.
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