Text 466, 110 rader
Skriven 2005-10-11 13:55:56 av The Doctor (1:379/45)
Ärende: Re: Urgent Message From John Cleese Concerning Current American Crisis 
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From: doctor@doctor.nl2k.ab.ca (The Doctor)

In article <1129010642.747592.183410@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>, robin hood
<robinhoodzorro@hotmail.com> wrote:
>Authentic Message from John Cleese
>
>[Cleese can be found at <http://www.thejohncleese.com/> -
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
>thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
>your independence, effective immediately.  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
>Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
>commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
>fancy).
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
>America without the need for further elections.  Congress and the
>Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year
>to determine whether any of you noticed.  To aid in the transition to a
>British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
>immediate effect:
>
>You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  The letter
>'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
>Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
>letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
>Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
>levels.
>(look up vocabulary).
>
>Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
>as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>communication.  There is no such thing as US English.  We will let
>Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be
>adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
>elimination of -ize.
>
>You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
>July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.  You will learn to
>resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
>The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
>not adult enough to be independent.  Guns should only be handled by
>adults.
>If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
>speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
>gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
>more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  A permit will be required if
>you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and this is for
>your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what
>we mean.  All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
>will start driving on the left with immediate effect.  At the same
>time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
>of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
>understand the British sense of humour.
>
>The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon.  Get used to it.
>
>You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
>are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
>fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
>The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
>to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as
>Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
>further confusion.
>
>Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
>guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
>English characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
>in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
>ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of
>proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will,
>in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
>American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
>twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
>nancies).
>
>Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host
>an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
>of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
>beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
>
>An internal revenue agent (i.e.  tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
>monies due (backdated to 1776).
>

If this were real then civilzation would be restored.
--
Member - Liberal International
This is doctor@nl2k.ab.ca       Ici doctor@nl2k.ab.ca
God Queen and country! Beware Anti-Christ rising! Better to serve in Heaven
that to Rule in Hell.

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