Text 1598, 89 rader
Skriven 2006-06-30 08:47:00 av ROSS SAUER (1:123/140)
Ärende: More the GOP can do...
==============================
Hey, why not?
The GOP thought the useless "flag burning bill" was SOOOOO important...

The Pork Barrel Protection Act

By Will Durst, AlterNet

Posted on June 29, 2006, Printed on June 30, 2006

So the Flag Desecration Amendment fell a single vote short of passing in 
the Senate. And all the liberals are celebrating way too long into the 
night if you ask me. I imagine the Republicans are laughing so hard 
right now, their drool guards are spilling over capacity. Because now, 
they get to bring it up again and again and accuse Democrats of dooming 
old glory to an ignominious fate over and over. The only problem is 
flags are so the-day-before-yesterday. Might as well be wearing 
patchouli scented elephant bells.

There’s a whole plethora of American icons in danger of being bespoilt 
that Republicans can exploit. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Operation: Baseball Preservation. I don’t want to hear another word 
about these commiepinko soccer moms. If they can’t be learn how to be 
good old American baseball moms, maybe they should turn in their mini- 
vans and consider adoption.

The Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Act. No ham. No Beef Wellington. No 
turkey shaped tofu loaf. Its Thanksgiving. You’ll eat turkey and you’ll 
damn well like it. And the Detroit Lions game better be on every 
television.

Cheeseburger Anti Desecration Crusade. The only proper cheese on a 
cheeseburger is yellow. Either Wisconsin Cheddar or good ol American. 
That’s it. You can take your Mexican Pepper Jack and your Baby Swiss and 
your French gorgonzola and shred them where the sun never shines. Like 
on a salad. And it's a butter grilled sesame seed bun, not sun dried 
tomato focaccia bread.

Chocolate Simplification Act. Its chocolate for crum’s sake. It don’t 
get more basic than a Hershey Chocolate Bar. If it was good enough to 
for our brave boys in WW 2, it should be good enough for those attention 
deficit rug rats of yours.

Katie Couric: America’s Sweetheart Proclamation. There’s absolutely no 
reason why anybody should be watching Brian Williams or Charlie Gibson 
to begin with. None. It’s Katie’s world, we just live in it.

The Mandatory Rose Bowl Parade Viewing Order. Everyone should start the 
year off by watching the Rose Bowl Parade. And if it takes closing all 
the bars on New Years Eve to make sure it gets done, that’s what we’ll 
do.

Apple Pie Protection Bill. Its apple pie. Nuff said. Ordering any other 
kind is like throwing mud in your mother’s face. Can you imagine Jimmy 
Stewart ordering a slice of Turkish Coffee Chiffon Raspberry Torte? I 
thought not.

Superman is the only Superhero Acceptance Act. Did you ever hear the X- 
Men talk about either Truth, Justice and the American Way? Of course 
not.

Holiday Fruitcake Proliferation Compact. I don’t care whether you like 
it or not. This is generational thing and a lot bigger than just you or 
me. Eat it or pass it on and shut up.

The Official Veneration of Snowboarding as a Winter Sport. In America, 
we don’t give a real rat’s ass about the four man luge or whether some 
14 year old nailed her triple lutz. If HBO were smart, they’d get Johnny 
Mosely to interview that girl who celebrated too early and lost the gold 
for a six part mini series.

Pork Barrel Politics Protection Bill. "Pork is bad." "Pork is bad." How 
else you supposed to pay back contributors from your district? Bridge 
builders got to work too, you know. Who cares if there’s no river to 
cross?

Pabst Blue Ribbon Celebration Act. Screw Heineken. Pabst Blue Ribbon. 
Beer comes in brown bottles. Shampoo comes in green bottles. 

Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk 
show host and defense liability. 

© 2006 Independent Media Institute.

From Archae's Roost, Sheboygan, WI

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