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Skriven 2007-08-06 02:57:00 av ROSS SAUER
Ärende: Conservative idiots
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There are some weeks, they make it just SOOOO easy...
 
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 302

August 6, 2007

A Bridge Too Far Edition

Tim Pawlenty and the "Taxes Are Un-American" Crowd (1) top the list this 
week after the awful incident in Minneapolis, meanwhile Tony Snow (2) 
and George W. Bush (3) do their best to spin the tragedy. Elsewhere, Tom 
Tancredo (5) goes nuts, Bob Allen (6) has a compelling explanation, and 
Dennis Gallagher (10) gets busted. Don't forget the key...

Tim Pawlenty and the "Taxes Are Un-American" Crowd 

Read my lips - no new taxes! After all, why should we pay taxes? It's 
not like our indestructible infrastructure is going to fail any time 
soon, is it?

Funnily enough, that's what Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-Naturally) of Minnesota 
used to think - right up until a major bridge collapsed in Minneapolis 
last week, killing several people.

Back in 2005, Pawlenty vetoed an increase in Minnesota's gas tax despite 
several Republicans voting for the measure, including State Rep. Ron 
Erhardt who according to Minnesota Public Radio said at the time, "the 
poor state of Minnesota's transportation infrastructure means it's time 
to raise a gas tax that hasn't gone up since 1988."

Then, earlier this year, Pawlenty vetoed another increase in the gas 
tax. According to Minnesota Public Radio:

Less than 24 hours after the Minnesota Legislature sent him a 
transportation bill, Pawlenty struck it down Tuesday.

The Republican governor said a higher gas tax would be "untimely and 
misguided."

Fortunately though, the governor still won't have to raise taxes to 
rebuild the bridge, because last week the U.S. House generously voted to 
send $250 million to Minnesota for that purpose.

Let's put that into perspective. $250 million is almost exactly the same 
amount of taxpayer money that Gov. Pawlenty spent last year on a new 
stadium for the University of Minnesota. It's also a little less than 
the United States is spending per day in Iraq.

So as you can see, there are far more important things to spend taxpayer 
money on than, say, making sure highway bridges don't collapse. 
Priorities, people, priorities!

Tony Snow 

If the White House learned one thing from Hurricane Katrina, it's that 
you need to deflect blame early and often. After the fatal bridge 
collapse in Minneapolis, the White House rushed out their talking points 
in order to head off the slim chance that someone might point the finger 
at them. For example, here's Tony Snow at a White House press briefing 
last week:

MR. SNOW: Well, again, the Democratic Governor of the state made the 
point that he thought --

REPORTER: Republican.

MR. SNOW: That's right, the Republican Governor, you're right, thank 
you. I was thinking Minnesota.

Er... I guess he must mean the other Minnesota.

George W. Bush 

It was no surprise that Our Great Leader showed up to get his picture 
taken in front of the collapsed bridge. Fair enough - if he hadn't gone, 
we'd all be bashing him for not caring. But honestly, I've gotta believe 
that if you're involved in a disaster these days, the last thing you 
want to see is Dubya's smiling face rolling over the horizon. "Oh great, 
George W. Bush is here! Our problems are solved! Whoop-de-frickin'-doo."

Of course, Bush and wreckage go together like peanut butter and jelly. 
I'm surprised he didn't pull out a bullhorn and start yelling at 
firefighters.


COMMANDER GUY: Ah kin hear you, the rest of the world kin hear you, and 
the people who knocked this bridge down will hear all of us soon!

NTSB INVESTIGATOR: Uh, sir, it was most likely metal fatigue.

COMMANDER GUY: Ah ain't got no mental fatigue son. We're gonna git those 
terrists dead or alive.


I mean, could there be a more dreadfully perfect metaphor?

FEMA 

Bush pledged a swift response to the disaster in Minneapolis, saying 
"Our message to the Twin Cities is, we want to get this bridge rebuilt 
as quick as possible." No doubt. And here's what he said shortly after 
Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast:


... tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout 
the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes. We will stay as 
long as it takes to help citizens rebuild their communities and their 
lives.


So how's that going? Well, last week the Associated Press noted that:

It was bad enough when Hurricane Katrina chased Carrie Lewis out of her 
assisted-living home in New Orleans. Now she fears the rest of her life 
may be spent in the isolation of a federally sponsored trailer park.

Because hurricanes Katrina and Rita destroyed so much affordable 
housing, Lewis and thousands of others displaced - mainly the poor, 
elderly and infirm - have nowhere else to go.

"I want to go home," said Lewis, 79, who now lives in the Renaissance 
Village trailer park. "They don't have places for old people in New 
Orleans yet. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to die in a little 
trailer in the middle of a field somewhere."

Thanks to Bush's FEMA, the chances of Lewis dying in her trailer have 
been drastically increased. According to a recent story in the 
Washington Post:

The Federal Emergency Management Agency since early 2006 has suppressed 
warnings from its own field workers about health problems experienced by 
hurricane victims living in government-provided trailers with levels of 
a toxic chemical 75 times the recommended maximum for U.S. workers, 
congressional lawmakers said yesterday.

A trail of e-mails obtained by investigators shows that the agency's 
lawyers rejected a proposal for systematic testing of the levels of 
potentially cancer-causing formaldehyde gas in the trailers, out of 
concern that the agency would be legally liable for any hazards or 
health problems. As many as 120,000 families displaced by hurricanes 
Katrina and Rita lived in the suspect trailers, and hundreds have 
complained of ill effects.

So don't worry, people of Minneapolis. Help is on the way.

Tom Tancredo 

Last week GOP presidential candidate Tom Tancredo decided to swing for 
the fences in an effort to catch up with the frontrunners by casting an 
appeal to the religiously genocidal wing of the Republican party.

Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo's campaign stood by his assertion that 
bombing holy Muslim sites would serve as a good "deterrent" to prevent 
Islamic fundamentalists from attacking the United States, his 
spokeswoman said Friday.

"This shows that we mean business," said Bay Buchanan, a senior Tancredo 
adviser. "There's no more effective deterrent than that. But he is open-
minded and willing to embrace other options. This is just a means to 
deter them from attacking us."

(snip)

"If it is up to me, we are going to explain that an attack on this 
homeland of that nature would be followed by an attack on the holy sites 
in Mecca and Medina," Tancredo said. "That is the only thing I can think 
of that might deter somebody from doing what they would otherwise do. If 
I am wrong, fine, tell me, and I would be happy to do something else. 
But you had better find a deterrent, or you will find an attack."

Okay, just a few quick points...

1) Are you out of your mind?

2) I mean, seriously, you're joking, right?

3) Good grief, you're not joking.

Bob Allen   

I noted in Idiots 299 that one of John McCain's Florida co-chairs had 
been arrested after cruising for sex in a park restroom. According to 
the cops, here's what happened:


In a written statement released Thursday, Titusville Officer Danny 
Kavanaugh recalled entering the restroom twice and said he was drying 
his hands in a stall when Allen peered over the stall door.

After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door 
and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered "hi," and 
then said, "this is kind of a public place, isn't it," the report said.

The officer said he asked Allen about going somewhere else and that the 
legislator suggested going "across the bridge, it's quieter over there."

"Well look, man, I'm trying to make some money; you think you can hook 
me up with 20 bucks?" Kavanaugh asked Allen.

The officer said Allen responded, "Sure, I can do that, but this place 
is too public."

Then Kavanaugh said he told Allen, "I wanna know what I gotta do for 20 
bucks before we leave." He said Allen replied: "I don't know what you're 
into."

According to Kavanaugh's statement, the officer said, "do you want just 
(oral sex)?" and Allen replied, "I was thinking you would want one."

The officer said he then asked Allen, "but you'll still give me the 20 
bucks for that ... and that the legislator said, "yeah, I wouldn't argue 
with that."

As Allen turned and motioned for the officer to follow him to his car, 
Kavanaugh identified himself as a police officer by raising his shirt 
and exposing his badge.


And just to put the icing on the cake:


When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether "it 
would help" if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. 
The officer replied, "No."

Ouch. But not so fast! According to Allen this is all just "a very big 
misunderstanding." In fact, it turns out that he has a compelling 
explanation:


State Rep. Bob Allen told police he was just playing along when a 
undercover officer suggested in a public restroom that the legislator 
give him oral sex and $20 because he was intimidated, according to a 
taped statement and other documents released Thursday.


Intimidated? How so?


"I certainly wasn't there to have sex with anybody and certainly wasn't 
there to exchange money for it," said Allen, R-Merritt Island, who was 
arrested on charges of soliciting prostitution.

"This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other 
black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a 
taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to 
be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.

Ah, the "black panic causes oral sex" defense! That should play well in 
court. "Your honor, it was the middle of the afternoon and the park was 
full of black men, which obviously made me fear for my life. I was so 
terrified that I loitered in the public restroom until one of them 
walked in, at which point I offered to drive him away in my car and give 
him a blowjob. Wouldn't you have done the same thing?"

CNN 

So, farewell Paula Zahn - and hello Laura Ingraham. Last week Ingraham 
revealed that CNN had offered her a tryout in their coveted 8pm slot. 
Ingraham follows in the footsteps of the equally fair-and-balanced Glenn 
Beck, who got a week-long trial in the slot early last month.

Lest we forget, on election day last year Ingraham "urged her listeners 
to obstruct efforts to protect voting rights by jamming a free voter 
protection hotline," according to Think Progress.

After playing a recording of DNC Chairman Howard Dean promoting the line 
to voters, Ingraham suggested her listeners call en masse:


Tell me if you think I'm crazy. This is what I'm thinking. I think we 
all need to call 1 888 DEM VOTE all at the same time.


Way to go, CNN! You truly are "The Most Trusted Name In News." Hey, 
while you're at it, why not replace "The Situation Room" with four hours 
of Rush Limbaugh?

The White House 

I noted last week that Bill O'Reilly has turned his spitballs on 
DailyKos - according to Media Matters:

During the July 30 edition of Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, host Bill 
O'Reilly criticized the decision by several Democratic presidential 
candidates to attend the YearlyKos convention, calling the decision 
"beyond shameful" and claiming that "a group of far-left bloggers has 
succeeded in frightening most of the Democratic presidential candidates 
and moving the party significantly to the left."

Yet last week the White House held a special off-the-record schmoozefest 
where Our Great Leader got to meet with some of the country's biggest 
hate-radio hosts and give them their marching orders for the rest of the 
summer. The guest list included:

Glenn Beck ("You know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 
victims' families? Took me about a year.")

Bill Bennett ("You could abort every black baby in this country, and 
your crime rate would go down.")

Neal Boortz ("When we defeat this illegal alien amnesty bill, and when 
we yank out the welcome mat, and they all start going back to Mexico, as 
a going away gift let's all give them a box of nuclear waste. Give 'em 
all a little nuclear waste and let 'em take it on down there to Mexico. 
Tell 'em it can -- it'll heat tortillas.")

Laura Ingraham ("And for John Kerry and for Joe Biden and to Barbara 
Boxer, with all those other issues that the Democrats can be grabbing 
onto, to actually be on the side of, what, Kim Jong Il and the European 
intellectuals who are attacking John Bolton, it makes no sense.")

Michael Medved (In the animated penguin movie Happy Feet "there's this 
whole subtext, as there so often is, about homosexuality.")

Janet Parshall ("I understand that Matthew was somewhat of a person who 
hung around some of the gay bars and was coming on to some people. So, 
was he looking for trouble in all the wrong places?")

Sean Hannity ("If the Democrats win -- if they win in November, is it a 
victory for the terrorists?")

Mike Gallagher (A Bush-Cheney '04 video "brilliantly put together side 
by side Al Gore's raging maniacal rant next to Adolf Hitler.")

Funnily enough, O'Reilly had no complaints about this meeting. What a 
surprise.

The Bush Administration 

The surge is working! The surge is working! Last week the New York Times 
reported that "The death of a marine in western Iraq brought the 
American military death toll to 74 so far in July, on course to be the 
lowest monthly figure this year."

On July 26, Lt. Gen. Raymond T. Odierno, the second-ranking American 
commander in Iraq, said that the lower death toll was a "positive sign" 
but that it was too early to say whether the reduction was a "true 
trend."

So let's take a look at the number of America soldiers who have lost 
their lives in Iraq this year, and reflect upon this "positive sign."

July: 80
June: 101
May: 126
April: 104
March: 81
February: 81
January: 83

Hmm, so there was one fewer troop killed in the month of July than in 
the months of February and March. Well I guess the surge must be 
working!

Now let's compare July 2007 with previous years:

July 2007: 80
July 2006: 43
July 2005: 54
July 2004: 54
July 2003: 48

The surge is working I tells ya!

Dennis Gallagher  

And finally, it's time for another round of "Guess the party 
affiliation!" The rules are simple: I give you a recent news headline, 
and you try to guess which political party the person in the headline 
belongs to. Here we go...

Queens Councilman Surrenders To Police

Got it yet? We're talking about a New York politician here, so chances 
are he's a Democrat, right? Perhaps if I give you a bit more detail on 
the crime of which he is accused, you'll be able to get it.

Queens Councilman Dennis Gallagher surrendered to authorities on rape 
charges on Friday.

It was a devastating image. Gallagher surrendered Friday morning at the 
112th Precinct. He was led out in handcuffs on the way to his 
arraignment.

Appearing before a judge, he pleaded not guilty, and was arraigned on 
$200,000 bail, much of it put up by his brother.

Outside, he was greeted by a crush of media. He labored to make his way 
down Queens Boulevard, accompanied by his wife, who held his hand 
despite charges he raped a 52-year-old grandmother.

If you guessed that Dennis Gallagher is a Republican, congratulations! 
You're right.

See you next week...

-- EarlG

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