Text 551, 111 rader
Skriven 2004-11-27 09:38:40 av Alan Zisman (1:106/2000.0)
     Kommentar till en text av Howie Coombe
Ärende: Re: SPAM
================
-=> Howie Coombe wrote to Jim Holsonback <=-

 Howie:

 Thanks for being so helpful and cooperative in keeping this echo on topic.

 -- AZ (co-moderator, WIN95) 

 HC> at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind
 HC> that my "fancy" is easily tickled. Rachel sent me into Publix to pick
 HC> up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the checkout
 HC> line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That
 HC> thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
 HC> entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)
 HC> I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun. So what
 HC> were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at
 HC> Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was our 18th
 HC> anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
 HC> girl. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
 HC> gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
 HC> product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
 HC> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
 HC> amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
 HC> to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
 HC> but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
 HC> prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
 HC> will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
 HC> whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
 HC> in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story
 HC> short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a
 HC> batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
 HC> disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
 HC> directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
 HC> would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
 HC> love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
 HC> and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
 HC> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
 HC> looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
 HC> electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused, just
 HC> fyi, but I have yet to explain to Rachel what that burn spot is on the
 HC> face of her microwave . . .Hooboy. Okay, so I was home alone with this
 HC> new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
 HC> two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my
 HC> Dobies Mako and Zora looking on intently (trusting little twerps),
 HC> reading the directions (that would be me, not them), and thinking that
 HC> I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
 HC> must admit I thought about zapping Mako for a fraction of a second and
 HC> thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I
 HC> was going to give this thing to Rachel to protect herself against a
 HC> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
 HC> I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
 HC> time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
 HC> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
 HC> in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
 HC> burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
 HC> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
 HC> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
 HC> ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
 HC> little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
 HC> circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
 HC> triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
 HC> way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is
 HC> almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know
 HC> me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there
 HC> alone, Mako and Zora looking on with their heads cocked to one side as
 HC> to say, "Don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one-second burst from
 HC> such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
 HC> thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to
 HC> give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. Note: You know,
 HC> a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
 HC> obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
 HC> seemed so right at the time. {Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs
 HC> to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
 HC> **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
 HC> ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
 HC> body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
 HC> waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
 HC> nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
 HC> in the oddest position. Mako was standing over me making whimpering
 HC> sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
 HC> to herself, "Do it again dumbass, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
 HC> compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
 HC> no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
 HC> going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
 HC> violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
 HC> dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
 HC> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be sure, as time
 HC> was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
 HC> had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were
 HC> on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,
 HC> right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it
 HC> had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. +/- an
 HC> ounce/two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I
 HC> think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
 HC> large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. They make a
 HC> clanging sound, and were last seen hanging from Rachel's rearview
 HC> mirror. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. NOTE TO MEN: DO
 HC> NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. Rachel's is broke now and it may be
 HC> awhile before I get around to fixing the damn thing. NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy
 HC> lots of batteries . . . think of the possibilities. This message is
 HC> provided to you as a public service to illustrate that stupid should
 HC> hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice day! Tim
 HC> ***********************

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