Text 5595, 279 rader
Skriven 2006-08-03 11:19:00 av Robert E Starr JR (6092.babylon5)
Ärende: Personal Agendas, by Al S
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"I think I'll stick my head in the station's fusion reactor. It
would be quicker, and I suspect after a while, I might even come to
enjoy it."
-Londo Mollari, identifying one of many activities that would be more
fun than reading this book...


THE PLOT

G'Kar is a prisoner on Centauri Prime. Daily, he is taken from his
cell and tortured for the amusement of Emperor Cartagia. He is clinging
to life, already greatly looking forward to fulfilling Londo's plan
and assassinating the insane Emperor - freeing his homeworld in the
process.

The plans of G'Kar and Londo are threatened, however, by a most
unlikely source. A team of Narn commandos has smuggled itself onto
Centauri Prime. Their mission is to free G'Kar. But even G'Kar
understands that this cannot be allowed to happen. The freedom of Narn
depends on G'Kar remaining a prisoner long enough to kill Cartagia!

Back on Babylon 5, Sheridan and his command staff decide that they,
too, should send a mission to free G'Kar. It's not like they're
doing anything else, anyway, what with the entire Vorlon-Shadow
situation now destroying entire planets. Therefore, the station's
second in command, the station's security chief, and the station's
doctor are dispatched to Centauri Prime on a perilous secret mission to
free G'Kar by posing as Centauri diamond merchants.

As for Sheridan, he and Delenn decide to get in on the action, too, by
going undercover in Down Below to root out a ring of toy smugglers.
After all, it might be "fun."

These are the people the fate of the galaxy depends on? Neroon is
looking more and more sensible all the time...


THE GOOD

At several points while reading "Personal Agendas" (about once every
three chapters, which translates into about every nine pages or so), I
would close the book, bury my head in my hands, and then pick up the
book and smack the back of my head with it as hard as possible.

Given that "Personal Agendas" is a very short, very thin paperback, I
wasn't able to hit very hard. I certainly could not hit myself nearly
hard enough to render myself unconscious. It must be said, however,
that I got infinitely more enjoyment from swatting myself with the book
than I did from reading it. A few self-inflicted head blows every so
often made for a nice break from the interminable agony of the
writing...

Still, roses can grow out of fertilizer, and I should point out what is
good about the novel. And there were a few isolated bits and pieces
that I briefly enjoyed. G'Kar's fantasy about restaging William
Tell with Emperor Cartagia, only replacing the apple with a raisin, was
amusing.

Sarrantonio also does a fairly good job of capturing Cartagia. We are
told of Cartagia yawning and suppressing yawns while torturing G'Kar.
The Emperor seems always bored, always seeking some new sensation or
distraction. "Bring me... amusement!" he cries early in the book, and
this might well be the character's defining quote. Cartagia is like a
child, playing with his power as a toddler might play with a tiny
bauble. It's actually quite solid characterization.

Um... Well, I liked...

(thinks hard)

No, that's really about it.


THE BAD

I'm not sure if it's good or bad that Sarrantonio did so well with
Cartagia. On the one hand, it's nice that he got one character right.
On the other hand, since the book spotlights Cartagia early on, the
reasonably accurate characterization of the Emperor raises false
expectations as to how the author will characterize the rest of our
regulars.

I will not say that the characterizations of the regulars are
unrecognizable, because that would not be true. Sheridan, Londo,
G'Kar... they are all highly recognizable - as their counterparts
from Seasons One and Two. For a book set in early Season Four, however,
these characterizations are woefully out of place.

Londo is completely his Season One self. Though lip service is briefly
paid to the arc at the point at which the book is set, this only adds
insult to injury. If Londo is desperately plotting to assassinate the
Emperor, why do most of his scenes showcase him musing about women and
liquor? It has been a very long time since Londo was obsessed solely
with "wine, women, and song." At this point in the series, Londo is in
the dragon's den, choosing every word and action with the utmost care
in order to keep himself alive (since he could be killed at
Cartagia's slightest whim) while plotting to find a way to save his
people. This is not a Londo looking to get drunk and party; that Londo
is long gone, and unless his last viewed episode of the series was
"Chrysalis," I have no idea how Sarrantonio could have failed to
realize that.

Sheridan is back to being Captain Happy, taking a break from his
responsibilities to "play spies" with Delenn in Down Below,
investigating the smuggling of toys. If the book were set in early
Season Two, this might be easier to believe. But the Sheridan who
grinned incessantly, who swooned over real water in a shower and fresh
oranges, who collected conspiracies like baseball cards, who explored
Grey Sector because it was there, and who took an effervescent joy in
any kind of discovery... Well, Captain Happy died long before Sheridan
went to Z'ha'dum. It is quite certain that no trace of him
returned. Truth be told, even in early Season Two when Sheridan was at
his shallowest, I would have had a hard time believing that he would
neglect his duties to "play spies." In the midst of the most dangerous
time in the Shadow War, I find it absolutely impossible to believe.

Meanwhile, Ivanova has her head shaved, and we are explicitly told it
will take months for her hair to grow back (and yet she has a full head
of hair in the very next televised episode. Funny, that...) Garibaldi
gets an early reunion with G'Kar that completely undermines the
emotion of their televised reunion a few episodes from now. And, of
course, in the midst of scary behavior by the Vorlons and a need to
figure out a way to stop both Vorlons and Shadows, there is no reason
at all why the station's Doctor, second-in-command, and Security
Chief shouldn't go off on a side-trip to Centauri Prime. It's not
like they're needed on Babylon 5 for anything, now, is there?

Garibaldi is even more out-of-place for Season Four than the others
are. There is no hint given that he has very recently been through a
traumatic experience. There is absolutely no trace of the paranoia that
we saw a hint of in the last episode. Lorien, whose mere presence at
Sheridan's side as the captain's "new best friend" set Garibaldi to
asking some blunt (though I emphasize, reasonable) questions, suddenly
doesn't even merit a mention.

Instead, the Garibaldi we are presented with is quipping non-stop about
James Bond. He makes constant wisecracks to get on Susan's nerves,
and basically acts like a goofball. Actually, the characterization
would not be too far off, if only Sarrantonio had named him "Marcus."
Given the nature of the undercover mission, it would also be more in
character for Marcus to be heading the mission than for Garibaldi to be
doing so. But then, Garibaldi has been the Dell series' favorite
character from the very first book. He's been the lead or co-lead of
six of the nine Dell books, and has been the only character to be
featured in every one of the Dell books. For too many of the writers,
he's been all but a male version of a fanfiction Mary Sue. It's a
good thing I like Jerry Doyle's television Garibaldi so much, because
the Garibaldi of the Dell books is a character I have genuinely come to
hate.

In my last review, of the episode "The Summoning," I took care to
praise the scene where Emperor Cartagia had one of his torturers
(sorry, "pain technicians") use an electro-whip on G'Kar to encourage
the Narn to scream. That scene was a masterpiece, a vivid example of
how brilliantly theatrical lighting, quick editing, and fine acting can
create a scene of indelible violence without actually showing anything.
That which is not seen becomes far more effective, because the worst
horrors exist in the imagination.

Al Sarrantonio was obviously also impressed by the electro-whip scene,
but he took the wrong lessons from it. Here, he tries to recreate that
scene a couple of times. However, he forgets the genius of the scene
from the episode. The actual physical violence was largely left to take
place in our minds; all we actually saw were the faces of G'Kar and
those watching him. Sarrantonio does not leave the violence in our
imaginations. Instead, he tries to top it by having G'Kar tortured
more and more vigorously throughout the book.

The first two chapters of the novel center on a scene where G'Kar is
again being whipped, this time with a conventional whip. Later, we see
boiling "blue and viscous" fluid poured out onto G'Kar's head.
Later still, an increasingly hot fire is applied to the soles of
G'Kar's feet, and we are told that "he could smell himself
cooking."

In short, subtlety is forgotten. Nothing is left to the reader's
imagination. And while these scenes are sickening, they are not
particularly effective... a problem exacerbated by Sarrantonio's
insistence on playing almost every other scene in the book for laughs.
To cut from G'Kar being cooked alive to Londo grousing about being
denied a pillow or Vir desperately plotting to avoid an engagement
would leave a bad taste in my mouth even if the humor in these scenes
was actually funny. That the humor is not funny only adds ineptitude to
the writer's lack of taste.

The book is also afflicted with a severe case of "idiot plotting." Take
the scenes involving the Narn commandos on Centauri Prime. This part of
the novel would have us believe that everyone on Centauri Prime is a
blind imbecile... simply because the story couldn't possibly work if
there was a single competent Centauri on the planet.

These five Narn warriors effortlessly evade the Centauri as they
smuggle themselves onto the planet, walk across the capital city to the
mines, and travel back and forth between tunnels and palace seemingly
at will. When they do come into conflict with any Centauri, the
Centauri are so weak and inept that the Narn defeat them without
breaking a sweat. If the Centauri were really this inept, then they
wouldn't have defeated the Narn in the first place, even with the
help of the Shadows. Hell, if they were this inept, I suspect Mr.
Morden would have told Londo to forget the deal; the Shadows would have
been better off allying themselves with the Markab (and I mean
post-"Confessions & Lamentations") than with the Centauri, at least as
they are cartoonishly portrayed here.

Later, the Narn commandos kidnap Londo and threaten to kill him unless
G'Kar is brought to them in exchange. By this point - oh, and spoiler
alert for anyone who actually cares - Garibaldi, Stephen, and Susan
have successfully (and far too easily) rescued G'Kar, who has also
explained to them some of the reasons why he must be returned to his
imprisonment. Sarrantonio makes it clear that G'Kar is aware of
Londo's predicament, and that G'Kar knows it is essential that
Londo be freed so that he, in turn, can free Narn.

So of course, G'Kar being as intelligent as he is, he goes to find
the Narn commandos, explain the situation to them, and secure Londo's
release... Oh wait, no. He doesn't. He goes back to Cartagia - even
though waiting one more day to free Londo first would hardly jeopardize
his long-term plan - and leaves Susan, Garibaldi, and Stephen
(strangers to the Narn commandos, and strangers who have been made up
to look like Centauri at that) to secure Londo's release without him.
Why? Well, I suppose it's possible that Cartagia threw in a free
lobotomy with all that torture. But the real reason is because if
G'Kar acted intelligently here, the novel's climax would lack
dramatic tension.

(pauses to laugh hysterically at the thought of dramatic tension
existing anywhere within this novel...)

Despite the short page count and shorter chapters, the book is also
horribly padded. Sarrantonio not only "tells without showing," he
compounds the problem by repeating himself. A lot. The Narn arrive on
the planet and discuss their mission. They are to free G'Kar, and not
draw attention to themselves by killing any Centauri unnecessarily.
They all regret that they cannot make the streets run red with Centauri
blood. Two chapters later, they are in the tunnels. The Narn leader
reminds the other commandos that they are not to kill Centauri
unnecessarily, lest they jeopardize their mission; however, at a future
date, they will make the tunnels run red with Centauri blood. A few
chapters later, they go to the palace for their first attempt to rescue
G'Kar. Again, they talk about how much they wish they could kill
Centauri, but agree that they must complete their mission and not draw
attention to themselves. By only 55 pages into the book, Mr.
Sarrantonio has managed to tell us the same information three times...
sometimes using the exact same words.


The writing is generally awful, seemingly pitched to about a third
grade level (my apologies for that insult to the intelligence of third
graders everywhere, incidentally). But the worst part of the novel is
that it is a book whose running plots - every one of them - are
specifically designed to reset themselves by the end. Nothing can come
of any of the plotlines, so all of the plotlines have to be crafted in
such a way that they tie themselves off with no effects or consequences
for any of the regulars. This makes Personal Agendas worse than being
merely a bad book; it makes it a pointless book.

I suppose I could keep ranting, but I find myself actively suppressing
the urge to use profanity in describing this novel. That makes this
seem a good place to stop. Suffice it to say, this is not only the
worst "Babylon 5" novel; it is one of the worst novels I have ever read
from cover to cover.

As for Mr. Sarrantonio? He should have computer, keyboard, pen, paper,
cell phone - basically, anything he might remotely use to create so
much as a single word of writing - confiscated immediately. In his
hands, pen and paper become as much a torture device for the reader as
Cartagia's electro-whip is for G'Kar.


My Final Rating: 1/10. Everyone associated with this should be deeply
ashamed.
                                                                           
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