Text 20860, 90 rader
Skriven 2007-09-30 18:33:00 av JIM WELLER (1:123/140)
Ärende: More satire food news
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Good for a chuckle...

Frito-Lay Angrily And Reluctantly Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

A press release from: www.onion.com

PLANO, TX With the recent trend of wholesome snack foods reaching
"truly ridiculous proportions," Frito-Lay announced Monday that it
would, against its better judgment, roll out a new line of healthy
fruit-and-vegetable-based chips next February.

"Here," said Frito-Lay CEO Al Carey as he disgustedly tossed a bag
of the company's new Flat Earth-brand snack crisps onto the lectern
during a meeting with shareholders and members of the press. "Here's
some crap that's made from beets. I hope you're all happy now that
you have your precious beet chips with the recommended daily serving
of fruit, or vegetables, or whatever the hell a 'beet' is. Mmm,
dehydrated bulb things. Sounds delicious."

Carey appeared visibly appalled as Frito-Lay employees distributed
Flat Earth snack samples to the audience.

"God help us all, would you look at these flavors," said Carey,
gesturing toward a display showcasing the several varieties of Flat
Earth chips, including Kauliflower Krunch, Raisins 'N Chives,
Cranberry Spinach Explosion, Rutabaga Yum, Tofu Snaps, Eggplant
Ecstasy, Broccoloroos, and Watercress. "Look at what you've reduced
us to. Weren't Sun Chips healthy enough for you, you goddamn hippie
bastards?"

Frito-Lay spokeswoman Lisa Greeley, who said that the company made a
commitment in 2004 to develop a healthier line of snacks but "never
thought it would actually come to this," described the Flat Earth
brand as "tailor-made for the small, vocal minority of health
conscious consumers who apparently can't just be content with
salads, bananas, apples, or any of the literally thousands of fruits
and vegetables already widely available."

"Our new veggie snacks combine the zesty tang of parsnip, the most
mouthwatering root vegetable out there, with the bold flavor of,
let's say, jute?" said Greeley before reluctantly bringing a Turnips
'N Radish chip to her mouth and forcing down a full bite. "It's a
brand-new taste sensation unlike anything you've ever experienced,
unless you've ever eaten sisal twine."

According to Frito-Lay's website, the new snacks contain one-third
of the fat, one-half of the calories, and one-1,000th of the
irresistible flavor of Frito-Lay's classic line of potato and corn
chips. The presence of trans-fats and saturated oils is avoided by
employing a cooking process "strikingly similar to the method used
to create particle board." Serving suggestions that will be printed
on the packaging include "definitely not adding any salt, because
then you might die"; dipping the chips in "delicious plain yogurt,
lettuce paste, or other ground-up Flat Earth products".

In January, Frito-Lay will launch a Flat Earth marketing campaign
based on the slogan, "Bet You Can't Eat Even One." Surprisingly,
however, the company is also in talks with distributors to ensure
that Flat Earth snacks are installed in every school vending machine
in the country."Oh, they're definitely going in the vending
machines," Carey said. "Everyone's going to share in this misery,
not just a handful of Naderites with spastic colons or loser kids
with no taste buds whose parents want them to grow up to be boring
milquetoasts afraid to have any fun. And don't think we haven't
forgotten you either, office workers on snack breaks and anyone who
wants to serve a big bowl of disappointment at a cocktail party." 

"If this is what you want, America, fine. You're all gonna die
eventually, anyway. Might as well be eating Cool Ranch Doritos with
cheese dip when you go.

Frito-Lay is now considering discontinuing its traditional snack
line and focusing entirely on chickpeas and sprouts, since,
according to Carey, Americans "are so scared of getting fat, and are
clearly no longer interested in good-tasting food."

"You all disgust me," said Carey, who then kicked over the Flat
Earth display and stormed out of the room.

[end]


Cheers

YK Jim


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